Hate Feeling The Blame...

[Deleted member 1860]

So anyway, I've got this guy in my life. To say I've put him though hell would be an understatement. Really, I wonder why he's willing to give "us" another chance considering how psychotic I can be at times.

So after this last go round, I got him to admit that he misses the way we used to be. Admittedly, I do too. So he pretty much tells me that I need to change, or else things will go nowhere with us, and it will pretty much be the end. Well damn, I know I have my issues, but it's hard to hear someone say something like that to you. It's hard when you know you've been working on changing, but because others don't see instant success, they think you're not trying at all. (I got this same sort of crap from another ex of mine, so I'm not sure if it's that people are blind to slow changes, or that I wasn't changing fast enough, even though I was indeed trying.)

And the damn thing is that I know he's right. I know I need to get my spitfire emotions in check. I know I need to stop my knee-jerk reactions. I know it is destroying things between us. It's just hard to take on so much blame, KWIM?

And then there's the part of me that feels so guilty for putting him through hell and back. He didn't deserve a lot of the crap that I threw his way.

 

[piratelady]

I think emotional changes are the same as gaining or losing weight. You know if you are slowly gaining weight you don't see the changes every week or so, it is only once you've gained several clothing sizes (or lost) that you like "Oh wow!" - you see yourself every day, as do those around you. I think emotional changes are the same, we don't really see the small changes until they've accumulated into a big change.

Maybe a conversation with him is in order. Tell him that you are working on it, maybe point out how far you've come, and that you will continue to change, but it takes time. Growth and healing don't happen over night, no matter how much we or our loved ones want them to.

 

[Nighthawk]

Really never thought of it that way PL thanks for the visual. I guess just like weight even if we lose or gain we still have ups and downs as well.

 

[saffy]

HI scaredoflonely

I understand what you are saying.

I think though that it takes two to make a relationship not one, and if something needs changing to get it back to like it used to be then that must come from both sides surely. He is also an adult and has stayed with you out of his own doing, no shackles I assume. ;)

I think that it is a bit of a cop out for him to demand such a thing from you at this time. He must also have changed.

Maybe talking about what it was like or good times you have had and what you used to do, and the feeling you both got from it, might help. Like piratelady said, it is easy to get stuck in a 'rut' of negative emotions and forget any positive ones.

I hope you two work things out :)

best wishes
Saffy