Hate Myself, Hate My Life.. Love My Abuser?

[EmmaOwl]

I'm crushed right now. My older brother, who abused me throughout baby and toddlerhood, that I forgot and had recovered memories........ that I thought I was evil to dream up those things, until I straight-out asked and he confessed. He actually acted as a support! Until he and his wife systematically removed themselves from my life. My brother "M" stated that he could not listen to my problems ad his wife's, so my phone calls started to go to voicemail. We maintained tenuous relationship. I visited once in a while and we did continue to exchange holiday and birthday gifts.

I got no gift this Christmas. Who cares, it's a $25 amazon gift card. But I DO care. I feel ripped to pieces, I feel like I"m going to throw up, I don't know how to get from one minute to the next.

 

[Justmehere]

It's common to feel bonded with a sibling and trauma bonding can make it even stronger. It can feel life and death to loose the support of an abuser - it's so confusing and can be powerful to go through... but it gets better.

I'm sorry for what he did when you were a child and how he has walked away now. If he was a kid when he acted out he could have been acting out what happened to him and it may have reached a point where his own stuff was stirred up he couldn't be a listening ear anymore.

I hope you can begin to reject his message from childhood and now that you are not worthy of being supported and loved in safe and healthy ways. Because you are worthy of that.

I lost relationship with my brother through different circumstances and it was hell hard at first. It's still painful now, but it got a lot easier.

:hug:

 

[EmmaOwl]

It's common to feel bonded with a sibling and trauma bonding can make it even stronger. It can feel...

Thank you. I should have known this was coming, but .. It's weird, I sort of don't want contact but I still wish he'd say, "Oh, tell Allie I love her" or "miss her" or something, when he speaks to other family members. Intellectually, I know that's an unrealistic hope.

I'm sorry you've been through such pain. Thanks for your support, and for sharing that with me. I will try to remember it will get better. Most things do. Or go up-and-down at the very least.

When I wrote that post, I felt like I was going to die. I was exhausted and in physical pain, too, so it was a triple event. I still have that feeling, but reading your encouragement and now, I've gotten some (non-nightmarish!) sleep, so that's a decent step up from last night. Thanks again for the support You're kind :)

 

[Justmehere]

I'm glad things are not quite as bad today, sleep helps! I can relate to so much of what you have written about the pain. It is so hard. Hang in there! :hug:

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I'm crushed right now. My older brother, who abused me throughout baby and toddlerhood, that I forgot...

Allie D me and my sister were both sexually and physically tortured; we have no relationship now; I cry and feel like she is dead. Therapist said that I may trigger her and that may be why she wants nothing to do with me. She lives a wealthy, lavish lifestyle and we are worlds apart in this way. I may never fit in her world; and I am slowly but steadily learning to try to let go and to try to build new relationships with healthier people. She has had no therapy and she drinks. Plastic surgery on her face; she is now barely recognizable perhaps her intent (on her FB page).

I only know that we shared a hell together, and now that hellish chapter of our lives is over and I must move forward in recovery, or the pain will try and destroy me. The pain may never go away, yet I believe that with time and raw determination to move forward without her (we are only 1 yr. 7 mths apart in age and they use to dress us like twins) and know that perhaps one day we will be able to initiate relations again and perhaps not. Like the quote: Pain will come with time, and time will heal the pain. To move on in peace protecting your sanity Allie D. I believe your heart will heal, your mind will heal depending on what we do with time; and we don't heal the past by living there, I have been told that we heal our pain of the past by living in the present, precious Allie D which is a very hard thing to do for us with ptsd beloved one. You are never alone. Jade