Hating Myself For Being A Broken Mom

[ladee]

I always pay attention to the first thing I think about when I wake up. Today, it was memories of when my son (who is now 46), was around 1 1/2 years old. Two memories. I had a 'special cabinet' for him in the kitchen. It had pots and pans and plastic spoons and lids. He could play with these things when I was cooking. It kept him occupied and I could still keep an eye on him.

I looked around to check on him and he had something white in his mouth.... long story short, he had gotten ahold of tablet I had put out for roaches... I do not know how it got there. It was his cabinet. I always made sure it was clean and safe. Off to ER we go. They did not know how much he had ingested, so had to pump his stomach... I was not allowed in there when they were doing this. I do not remember anything but them taking him out of my arms and taking him back.

Next memory. Had taken him in for a check up, he was about three. As we were walking out, the dr kind of scooted him in the rear, playing. He turned around and told the Dr to not kick him in the ass !!! Oh lord, but everyone laughed.
.
So many memories of when he was little. He was an awesome child. Was reading by the time he was four, had a natural curiosity about so many things.

But , there is also so much I do not remember. I was a teen mom. Had a typical abusive childhood myself, so was not wanting the same for my son. But I also did not know I was sick. Did not know what to do when the depressions hit. Did not know what to do when the rage would come over me in waves...so much I do not remember....I do know I always put him in his crib and went outside when the rage was present.. I did not want to hurt him.

To make this shorter, I did not know what was WRONG with me. I have been a total failure as a mom. Or at least what I wanted to be as a mom. So much I don't remember.

It was not until about 30 years later that I was diagnosed with PTSD. Will save all the in between gory details for when, and if, I ever get the courage to do a diary.

So many days, , I HATE myself , hate hate hate the me that can not get it right. I can not undo the past, but seem to keep repeating the present. In regard to being so confused about what is real and what isn't. He can make me crazy with guilt. I don't know if he does it on purpose, or it is just me not being able to forgive myself..... I only know, I have got to get back into therapy for this. Me hating and not forgiving myself is not doing anyone any good. He is such an awesome man. He apparently raised himself. No that isn't true. I did give him the best I had. It was no where what he really needed... but I couldn't give away what I did not have.

I have to stop this viscous cycle. I so hate myself. I had no business having a child.

 

[Anarchy]

A friend says that her T told her that she hopes eventually we'll heal the hurt of traumas that have been following humans all of our existence

I discovered " what was wrong with me" late too.

You did the best that you could, with the resources available. That's nothing to be guilty about.

Does your son know about you having PTSD?

Would you be able to share your worries with him?

 

[blackemerald1]

Oh @ladee such a history to wake up to every day!

Yes you need help, I think to get to the point where you leap/limp out of bed without the past blinding your future.

You had a child, when your own inner child was broken.
How many times I have seen this in life only to see the broken child repeat the pattern & inflict their own damage on their own children. Oblivious to the circle of pain they are inflicting or, in some cases not caring though they knew better. I have had the task of obtaining a lawful judgment to take these children away from such parents, sometimes for ever.

You mention what you did when things overwhelmed you. You kept BOTH of yourselves safe. That is wonderfully kind & responsible parental behaviour!

Maybe, you could not give ALL of yourself to him, that now in hypercritical self hindsight, you had wished you could have. But it sounds as if you gave the best parts.

But hey, he is a person, an adult, responsible & happy for his own life now.

You did what you could, as you could. Be a proud mother because there are plenty plenty of women out there who don't deserve the name "Mum or Mother". That's not me judging them, that's the children, social services, foster parents taking in more & more damaged children, LE, Courts & general decent human beings making that call.

Go get yourself some kind of professional assistance for your own inner broken child.

Every loving, caring mother has those types of accidents happen, healthy happy kids are amazingly resilient even to getting their stomach pumped? One of mine had his pumped twice straight after birth. He has a lead lining for a stomach now!

You raised a baby boy into a successful man. That is all any loving mother dreams of doing. Yes you had every right to raise your child & YOU did!

 

[void]

I always pay attention to the first thing I think about when I wake up. Today, it was memories of when my...

The following is said gently and with compassion::):hug:

Did you break yourself?

I'll bet you didn't.

So you hate yourself for being broken, but YOU didn't break you...did you?

I suspect (like the rest of us) that some one (1 or more abusers) damaged you...so you are actually hating the victim(ie. you).

Many of us hate ourselves, we need to stop.

If I showed you a 20 year old woman who had been abused every day of her life, would you HATE HER?!?!

No! Of course not!

You would hate the POS :mad:that abused her, right?

Let's both...you and me...stop hating ourselves, ok?

@ladee May you find peace.:hug:

 

[Stickler]

My mom was outright abusive to me as a child due to untreated trauma and depression. Worse, she was in denial just enough that my dad was able to fly under her radar and hide the really heinous stuff.

...I recently forgave her...well...like 2012 or so. Worked through my hurt.
She is sorry for it. She always loved me, she was just messed up. She changed, apologized, made a lot of amends, got on meds.

She feels a lot of guilt and I wish she'd let herself of the hook, quite frankly. It interferes with our relationship now. I can't talk about stuff that I am still wrestling with.

If he needs something from you to forgive you, maybe try to give it to him? Maybe he already has. Maybe you need to talk about what hurt him so he can let it go.
if he isn't interested in all that, tell him how much you love him, appreciate him, and the good stuff about him.

..just my thoughts, take or leave as useful to you.

 

[Crow]

You have such a deep well of compassion dear @ladee. My wish is you can find the courage to accept some of that self compassion into your body and mind.

He'll realize how much you love him and will appreciate all the effort you gave to give him a good childhood. It may take a few more years but it will happen.

Hugs to you.:hug:

 

[Nevermore]

Oh ladee! I can relate - not in the case of my own child because I don't have one, but in the rerunning of history. What I did wrong what I forgot to say or do , the ways in which I was damaged but didn't know - the worthlessness of me since my partners suicide. Hah I haven't said that word here before. So hard to say.
He developed bad addictions and I pushed him out of my life. I go over and over and over it in my mind )-;
My own mother feels this about me. She was more negligent than abusive. She also had a mental illness. I have harboured a lot of resentment for my mother, and when shd talked of her guilt it just annoyed me because then I had to comfort her. And it made me feel like we were tied together.
I wanted to be set free from the past not chained up in it
I always just needed to know she loved me and was behind me now, if not then. Most of all I would love to see my mother address her own hurt and her own issues - that would seriously change my world. Even now!
Life is messy for most of us and we all make mistakes. It's not a matter of undoing them, it's how to learn the lessons of those mistakes. It sounds like you're doing that!
Your son will make his own mistakes! forget the guilt - just let him know you love him. As you so clearly do!! tell him all the good things you see in him. You can help him to forgive you! That's a great gift.
maybe you can help him see how he can overcome his own guilt and mistakes. We all have both!
i know how heavy guilt feels especially when it's the person you love most in the world )-:

 

[Justmehere]

Ladee,

I carry deep guilt for not recovering faster myself. It absolutely haunts me. My heart goes out to you.

You actually did a lot of things right in the memories you outlined in your post, please don't overlook that.You took steps that some parents without PTSD wouldn't take. You have a very kind and nurturing soul, and I have a feeling you did better than you think you did, and your son, he may have issues, but every child does, even with parents without PTSD. I do not say this to minimize your struggle, but only to encourage you that maybe you will give yourself any of the tremendous amount of compassion you show others around here.

You were a young mom, dealt a bad stack of cards, and you did the best you could with what life gave you. You didn't give up, and even now, you are working on now recovering. I'm proud of you.

 

[ladee]

Thank you all so much. I needed to read and see and feel how others see this.

@Anarchy, yes he has been told I have PTSD and other things. I should change my screen name to Alphabet Soup !!! Why is all the crap wrong with us in such large black letters ?????

I think he feels like @jojo88, that he had to 'take care of me' when I tried to talk to him about some of this. Somewhere along the line, he took that job on.. I will never know how much I manipulated for that to be so, or he just did it. His and My memories are very different. I 'took care' of both my parents from a very early age, and swore that my child would not get stuck with that job....

@jojo88, when I read your post, I just cringed inside, knowing that must have been what he felt when I first made amends to him. I got clean and sober when he was 14. That was a hard time for all of us... mom wasn't medicated !!! Oh NO !!!

@Stickler, he says he has forgiven me. And I know he loves me, as I love him more than anyone on this earth other than my granddaughter, his daughter. But we still have so much friction. So much unresolved stuff on his part. Refuses therapy, for himself or both of us together. I get so confused. Am I taking care of myself when he is angry and doing his passive aggressive thing with me, or do I need to 'mother' him. He is 46!!! And I do feel he is responsible now for how he feels and what he chooses to do to be happy.

@CrowFeather... I hope so. He spent all summer in Ft. Worth. when he came home, he was awesome to be around.. no dirty digs, no arguing, ( I refuse to argue with him, no one wins), kind and caring.... I even asked him what happened while he was gone, he chose not to share that with me. Ok, no problem. but as time went on, things are back to the way they were.. He is a binge drinker, and when he gets abusive, I go no contact with him... If he wants to try and work out things from the past, I would be all for that, but will not let him bully or emotionally abuse me...like you say, maybe one day.

@jojo88, your post really resonated with me. I do not need him to take care of me. I do not need him to make things better, or tell me what he thinks I want to hear... what I want is for him to leave me alone when he is angry with me, won't tell me why, so how much of this is him playing head games, and my own guilt and truth... I resent that we can not seem to move forward.

@Justmehere ... a lot of times, that is what I tell myself. He has made a few mistakes along the way also, and has things with his daughter that HE will have to face one day. I did the best I could with what I had.

@void, no I would not hate a young mom who had been abused. And no I didn't break myself, but I do feel I broke him, and this viscous cycle goes on and on..... And that is part of the reason I posted to begin with... I have got to let' this burning mattress' go !!! Referring to something @Stickler posted today. So as soon as I can, getting back into therapy... so much is guilt of still feeling like I can't reach him....And I need to accept that is about me, not him. He is a grown man, responsible for his own healing. tho I would absolutely be there for him if he said he wanted me to be.

I hope I didn't miss anyone in answering. You have all helped me to get a much healthier perspective on how I feel about myself in regard to him, now I need to go add this to my 'gonna get better' list. Thank you from my heart. I felt safe from my very first day here. That is because of all of you. I don't feel safe many places. Good things to think about and shuffle thru... and make that appt when I can get some money together. Thanks again. Warrior Sisterhood :hug:'s to all of you , if you accept them.

 

[Nevermore]

(((Hugs))) ladee! I didn't mean to make you cringe!
I really loved/love my mum. She had a crap time in life herself. What I was meaning to say is her guilt and my resentment kept both of us trapped.
You're right not to accept the anger.
It does become a trap.
I just wanted to feel my mothers love. I was just saying the things id love my own mother to do.
Guilt and blame don't help any of us - and I've had my own share of guilt. Your son would too. That's what I was meaning. We can all help each other get a big more free

 

[ladee]

@jojo88, and ironically my sons name is Joe !!! No sweetie, I knew exactly what you meant. Maybe it is different with girls and their moms as opposed to boys and their moms... And he doesn't know I feel guilty. I don't share that with him. especially if he is playing games...too much ammo for him to use.He won't LET me love him. He has too many rules. Not boundaries, but rules... and they are subject to change. It is just too crazy making for me. Too frustrating... So I will do the only thing I can do.. get on the road to self forgiveness.... thank you for sharing your own situation. Helps me to see both sides.:smug:

 

[Nevermore]

Hes missing out then, ladee! But it's easy to get stuck in victim mode (I did for a while) and not good for him anyway. You've got the right ideA - get on with your own healing and let him stand on his own two feet.
It's not just family for me, I have trouble with intimacy everywhere. The more I love someone the more fraught it can all get - harder to be easy going, harder to forgive.
I have felt guilty for being the broken daughter!
One thing I will say - in my life, because my mother could not be there for me emotionally, I became a pretty self sufficient fortress. Trust is my biggest issue!
Your son sounds similar with his rules. He probably doesn't dven completely understand himself.
It wd be painful for him too.
Let him know you understand. It takes time.
In the meantime just work with yourself. He will notice!
My mother remarried a different kind of man to my father and she has changed as a result. She understands these days and it's made a big difference to me.
she has taught me a lot. As you say he will face it himself w his own daughter. Don't despair!