Have I Blocked Something Terrible Out From My Past?

[Res]

Erin, yeah, that does help.

I figured that I'd probably remember eventually. I just thought that I was already healed and had remembered everything, until my mother told me the story about failing classes in middle school. Then I knew that there were still some areas that were blocked. But, I'm at least happier than I've ever been in my life, and a lot of my memories have come back to me, and I've stopped repressing emotions and memories. So I've healed a lot. I feel human again. I guess I haven't healed completely though. It's good to know that it will happen someday though, when things become more stable and my body thinks I can handle it.

I've sort of thought I've had a sex addiction, or at least am completely obsessed with it. But when I look at the typical story of a sex addicted woman (needing sex so badly that she'll even cheat on her parter or something along those lines) I think that I can't have that, since the only way I impulse on sex is with my boyfriend. I would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. But if I can't have sex with him, or go without sex for so long, I do tend to obsess about something sex related (whether it's watching videos of To Catch a Predator or just talking to people about my fetishes or looking at lots of porn). At the moment I'm obsessing about having sex with a woman (I'm bi-curious) and am also hoping to find a willing one to have a threesome with. My boyfriend is encouraging of this, since he'd like to have a threesome as well, and we've been talking about doing something like this for ages. But as soon as we have sex again, the obsession ends and I feel no need to actively pursue it. By the next day I'm horny again though, and the search is back on. Many times I also feel like a nymph... Like today we had sex three times and although I orgasmed a lot (around 20 times?) I was not satisfied until I was so soar that we couldn't do it again (and probably shouldn't do it for a couple more days). I'm not sure if this sounds like I have an addiction or not, still. Something else to consider is that sometimes I turn into a completely different person it seems. It's like a switch is flipped and I'm out of control. I'll do anything to get it. While other times I don't really want it, but make my boyfriend turned on enough anyways that we end up having it.

I have not been tested for OCD. And I doubt I have it. The only obsessive symptoms I have are usually me obsessing over a medical problem of mine. Sometimes I can be anal about other things though, but my boyfriend seems to have more symptoms of OCD than I do, and he hasn't been diagnosed with it. Should this be something that I should talk to my psychiatrist about though?

Thanks.

 

[Res]

Pixie, it's comforting to know that other people have gone through this (although it's sad that they must). And it's good to know that I'm not the only one obsessing over this either. I really hope that you find some answers someday.

sonya09, I too feel guilty about my rape paraphilia. I mean, I know that people get raped in real life, and it's a horrible act of crime! But when I watch a movie and someone gets raped in it (or almost raped) I get so turned on. It used to be that even the idea of me actually getting raped would turn me on. I'd masturbate to fantasies of it, but than I had that scare at the gas station and don't like the idea of being raped by anyone other than my boyfriend anymore. I still masturbate to fantasies of it, but my boyfriend is always there, or it's another person being raped by some random dude. Any sort of rape fantasy (that is not reality and don't not involve in the person dying) turns me on though, as long as I'm not in it, I guess. It doesn't matter how disturbing the scenario, I love it.

My mother once found that I'd made a video of sexual positions on an online game called WOW, and one of the positions I called "Rape" because the person was not consenting to it. And she had this long discussion with me about how I should be scared to even think about rape! But I generally am not... I felt so bad and like something was wrong with me. The only way that I can even achieve orgasm while masturbating is to think that a girl is being forced to do something. She can never be willing or enjoying it. She needs to be in pain... humiliated... And she needs to be raped by a man. I think it's so weird that this is what turns me on. I never thought it was normal. I mean, many women have rape fantasies... but to this extent?

 

[Pixie]

The below may trigger. It explains the association between abuse and this specific symptom...

I have been thinking about this discussion a lot and it reminded me of a discussion recently that I participated in elsewhere (not on this forum). It is not unusual for a survivor of sexual abuse to suffer this symptom. To quickly explain, when the body is aroused during abuse, the body is simply responding as it is designed to do during (ahem) stimulation. Unfortunately, where this arousal occurs as a result of a sick, twisted perp and is coupled with pain, rape, humiliation, torture etc... the "normal" processes by which the body learns to respond is broken and re-wired to only be aroused with these things.

For those who have not been through this, it is a very difficult thing to understand and comprehend. The victim lives with the shame and humiliation at the body's response to these things which in actual fact, are the legacy given us by those who used the vulnerable for their evil designs. It is one of the things that is rarely discussed, even in forums specifically for survivors of childhood sexual abuse as the shame runs deep.

Res, I would suggest that you may find out in time why you are wired the way you are. I am not suggesting that the above is the ONLY way this re-wiring can happen but there will be a reason honey and a therapist should be able to help you find it.

Rell

 

[Supression_fail]

I'm the same way. I got bullied, raped, name called, neglected, ect ect. And yet me biggest arousal triggers and being bit, my hair being pulled, being thrown around, pinned down, things that happened with the trauma in my life. Anything nice said to me doesn't hold anything near the weight of a flaw being pointed out, or something I didn't do, ect. Like I can't be fully happy and need to be degraded to feel whole. As I'm sure there's others here who feel the same way. And if someones doesn't do it for me, I do it to myself. All we can do it try to work through it and reprogram in a more healthy way I think. I also feel the need for constant sex. We might confuse that with someone caring for us when they might really not. I'm usually the one getting denied in my relationships. lol.

 

[tiredmomma]

Personally, I wanted a full scope of psychological testing, firstly to know what my personal demons are, and secondly to know what they are not! PTSD is such a multi-faceted disorder, it really can manifest in so many different ways! Knowing my test, for example, can back negative for OCD, made me stop worrying over whether I had it or I was just a perfectionist, and knowing I was just a perfectionist helped me gain control over those behaviours because I knew it was just my own fussiness and not a disorder in itself.

Pixie I think that it IS very important knowledge you've posted. I think that the issue this addresses is probably the most concerning to a lot of abuse survivors. I just wanted to back up your post, we definatly learned about this in psych class, in essence it is how any fetish is born, there are lots of studies with lab rats you can research if you wish to learn more.

Res - have you talked to your pyschiatrist about your sexuality concerns? Or perhaps have you considered some blood work at your doctor's office to test for any hormones etc that may be out of whack?

Erin

 

[Res]

Erin, I haven't talked to my doctor about how sexual I am because I actually like the way I am. I like how perverted I am (but than again, I tend to get turned on just by knowing that a person is sick and perverted). I'm worried that if I talk to a doctor about this, they'll try to change me, when all I really want to know is what caused this. Or maybe ways to control my urges when they can't be satisfied. I would really like to talk to a doctor about this stuff though. I'm just really afraid that they will force me to change the way that I am somehow.

And as for hormone testing, I'm pretty confident that my hormones are out of wack. I used to have PMDD, and would be sick for half of the month just because of hormonal issues. Now I'm on Yaz though, and I don't have PMDD or PMS anymore. But I can tell that I still have a very high level of some hormone. It explains why I orgasm so easily (I don't need physical contact to orgasm sometimes, if I'm turned on enough) and why I have such a high sex drive. I mean, I have a higher sex drive than anyone I've ever met... And by far more fetishes than anyone as well.