Have I Misunderstood " Hypervigilance"?

[jadebear]

If you are abusing them... then trauma therapy is useless during that time until they are under control to use stage only and stable.

I'm sure you're probably right about that.....no, I know you're right.

I guess I do need to quit making excuses and get my shit together.....don't I?

 

[anthony]

I guess I do need to quit making excuses and get my shit together.....don't I?

I don't think you need me to answer that.

I will add though... if your therapist tells you that its ok to be abusing any of these substances during trauma therapy, then you need to get a better therapist, because their just taking your money and pissing in your pocket so you keep coming back and paying them.

A trauma therapist should be telling anyone in such a situation the same as I am here. If their not... you may want to seek a few more opinions from other experts in your area... because someone is lying to you, and its not me. Therapists are not created equal when it comes to trauma therapy.

 

[Nicolette]

Jade, I'm going to be honest with you as it's like listening to my sister reading what you write.............

You know the answers yet you keep looking for some other angle to delay the inevitable being that you either take this seriously and do something about it or sit here posting the same stuff, with the right angle, and the right answers but refusing to digest them. There is little difference to what you do here and on the PTSD forum.........you keep finding issues to discuss which stop you from actually acting.

Sorry, it is tough love, but I do care and I see what is going on as I have watched it for 20 years with my sister.

Time to either do something about it or stop going around in circles trying to put it off IMHO.

 

[jadebear]

Normally I would get mad if I read something like that Nicolette....but how can I get mad when it's the truth?

I know I have spent too much time just talking and not doing. I hate how things are and how I am, I know the things I need to do, yet when it comes right down to it, I don't make the changes I need to.

Deep down I'm afraid to make the needed changes in my life. What if I do all the work and nothing gets better? Then that makes me a failure.....again, as usual, as always. I feel like I can't really change things until I'm 100% certain that I can and I'm 100% certain that they will work.

Saying that I'm *trying* to leaves the failure option on the table. Then if it doesn't work, well, I don't feel so bad about it. I'm afraid of failing because that just proves that everything I have been told about myself is true. That little voice in my head says why bother, you're too stupid, you're too crazy, you're useless, you'll never do anything right, you can't do anything on your own, etc. And as much as I try to not listen to it, I still do. I don't want to fail, yet I can't succeed if I don't do the things I need to. So I end up making no changes at all.

What if I make all the changes I keep talking about and they turn out to be all wrong and things are even worse? I don't mean drinking/drugs....I know those need to be changed, I'm talking about everything else. What if the changes I make hurt other people, am I really worth taking a chance on hurting others? What if I terminate the relationships I need to and I end up completely alone? What if something happens to those people, how is that going to make me feel?

I'm not even sure you will understand what I'm trying to say here.....and it's sounding like even more excuses....
What it boils down to is I'm afraid to make the needed changes because I'm afraid of #1) change itself and #2) I'm afraid of failure.

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi Jade,
I hear what you are saying and I totally understand what you mean. I seriously think you need to think about yourself first. I don't know what it will take you to believe that you ARE worth it.
I personally would see it as more of a failure if you didn't at least try to make things better. Most of your 'what if' scenario's above, are based on other people, and their reactions to a change in you. None of us can control how other people will behave, so it's not really worth considering. None of us can predict the future, but we can try to change ourselves and our future.

If you hate the way things are now, how much worse can they get? Or how much worse do things need to be, before you feel you can make changes?

Also the way you describe it is very 'black and white'. Either you stay as you are, or you are 100% better. It doesn't work like that, and if you try to make too many changes, or tackle lots of difficult things all at once, then there is a very good chance that you will fail. I would imagine it would be sensible to make small gradual changes, over a longer period of time, than to push yourself way too hard, trying to deal with everything all at once.

 

[krystina]

Hard discussion. I will think about it and get back to this one.

 

[Nicolette]

All I can further add Jade is I get your thinking as I used to be like you but to a lesser degree. Again I will say what you write is my sister all over.

The proof is in the pudding - I am much better and healthier than my sister - the only difference I see is I faced those "what if's" and got to a point where I realized if I didn't do something nothing would ever change. Yes it was scary and it was hard believing I was worth more than what I was.

I agree there are risks in change but if you don't change you risk going down with the sinking ship. Again, you can't control what others do and how they react BUT if you don't do something you'll end up stuck in that vortex of self doubt.

P.s. Thank you for not getting mad at me and being honest with your reply.

 

[jadebear]

P.s. Thank you for not getting mad at me .

Alot of times the truth hurts and that's what makes me mad. I'm tired of being mad all the time and I'm thinking maybe I should start taking/accepting advice and opinions instead of thinking I know it all.....

 

[jadebear]

Most of your 'what if' scenario's above, are based on other people, and their reactions to a change in you.

I didn't even really notice until you pointed it out.

I do tend to base my entire life around my family(husband and kids)....I don't even really know how to have my own life....yet.

 

[Nicolette]

.I don't even really know how to have my own life....yet.

It's pretty easy Jade (Not!). Just think of it as an angry bull. Grab the shitty thing by the horns and let it know who is boss! :praying::lmao:

 

[jadebear]

. If you can't go to trauma therapy and come home, expecting and knowing you are going to have fall-out, and not be able to fall-out... you are then harboring and building within negative emotion, which only hinders further trauma work. .

Then please tell me how I'm supposed to 'fall-out'. Please. Because t I can't deal with how intense the fear is and how I'm feeling right now.

 

[Nicolette]

Then please tell me how I'm supposed to 'fall-out'.

If I saw and understood right, for Anthony this was going into the bedroom, being in cold sweats and sometimes sleeping for days without functioning anything close to normal. That's how he was when he was overloaded dealing with his ex trying to see his kids and other legal stuff.

I would sit there with a face washer wiping him down from time to time (which he slept through) but otherwise I left him alone. I was just concerned about him getting fluid into his body due to the amount he was sweating.

Fall-out can be different for everyone. I'm sure Anthony will correct me if I am wrong but I think he means you need to have the time and space to deal with and mentally process all that happened in therapy and be allowed to be in an environment which does not add to your pressure. If you want to sit by yourself and watch tv it should be ok, if you want to crawl into bed be able to do that without expectations of getting out and cooking dinner etc.

That's just my take on it. I will share one thing though, when I was going to therapy I had to get up and go to work the next day and carrying on like normal and not sit and cry all day like I felt like doing which was a problem. Me having too much on and external pressures was the reason why my therapist told me to come back and see him when I had less on my plate so I could deal with my trauma. You need space to deal with what you discovered in therapy and let your mind really digest it and not go to therapy and come home having to be like normal which means 'shoving back down what you just pulled out'. Does that make sense?