- Post starter
- #13
@Solara this all makes sense but a little gnarly for me to sort out. I'm most triggered by my body and my own feelings. Like, "Today I feel sad...I hate you!" or "Today I feel good...I hate you!" Pretty much anything that covers me having a self.
And while I know it's not unheard of, I kind of hate to admit that if I have to be angry at anyone, I am angry at the parent who was less hurtful, more nurturing, but ultimately a bystander and then sucked up by mental illness and just seemed to stop caring about me at all. I am really angry at that parent. But the messages probably came from the other one. Maybe it's that the somewhat nurturing parent made feelings and just being me okay sometimes, so with this parent disappeared I'm only replaying stuff without the kinder buffer messages. I've written off all the good feelings and good messages because I've lost my connection to them perhaps.
Anyway, it's really clear where the hatred came from and it's really challenging to be angry at that parent. I don't feel it. I think of that parent and feel angry at myself. I think it was ingrained so early. We live far away and messages aren't the same anymore. I don't feel so self destructive in their presence either. But sometimes. My self injury started with beating myself with rocks...I was a teenager and it really felt like I was trying to take charge and parent myself...punishing myself for something normal, like eating.
Doing some reality checking today. Also things I just like to do, to pull me out of this a bit. I fair so poorly in the human world. That makes me hate myself. Well, great that I'm sick and hanging out indoors with little projects.
And while I know it's not unheard of, I kind of hate to admit that if I have to be angry at anyone, I am angry at the parent who was less hurtful, more nurturing, but ultimately a bystander and then sucked up by mental illness and just seemed to stop caring about me at all. I am really angry at that parent. But the messages probably came from the other one. Maybe it's that the somewhat nurturing parent made feelings and just being me okay sometimes, so with this parent disappeared I'm only replaying stuff without the kinder buffer messages. I've written off all the good feelings and good messages because I've lost my connection to them perhaps.
Anyway, it's really clear where the hatred came from and it's really challenging to be angry at that parent. I don't feel it. I think of that parent and feel angry at myself. I think it was ingrained so early. We live far away and messages aren't the same anymore. I don't feel so self destructive in their presence either. But sometimes. My self injury started with beating myself with rocks...I was a teenager and it really felt like I was trying to take charge and parent myself...punishing myself for something normal, like eating.
Doing some reality checking today. Also things I just like to do, to pull me out of this a bit. I fair so poorly in the human world. That makes me hate myself. Well, great that I'm sick and hanging out indoors with little projects.
