Have You Achieved Healthy, Balanced Love?

[LizBeth1]

Hi all,

I'm confronting the fact that I don't know if I have ever really been "in love" so much as more experiencing need fulfillment from what was missing in my childhood -- seeking out things like protection, support, etc. but I notice there are fragments of me that are very "needy" towards the other person in terms of feeling safe and protected, and often those needs do get met. Then there are other parts of me that actually condemn the person for seeming weaknesses.

I seem to have a tendency to choose partners who are "safe" in some ways but also have weaknesses perhaps so that I can feel secure, feel "stronger" than they are in certain situations. I can totally see how this is a result of my upbringing -- I wasn't protected at all and everything was about survival. Like many of us here, I was not shown what healthy unconditional love is, so I'm realizing I probably do not demonstrate that in relationships either. It seems to be all about safety, security, reassurance, etc. and I really hate that this is the reality.

I used to get involved in relationships in which I was the rescuer and the other person was needy. I bore all the responsibility for that person's emotions. Now the tables have turned and I feel like I'm on the other polarity - I'm with someone who is like I used to be, a chronic giver who has trouble voicing his own needs. He likes giving, but now it's apparent how lopsided things are and that I've relaxed into being the "receiver" without giving back very much. Thinking about reciprocating what I'm being given right now makes me feel exhausted. That sounds horrible but it's just the fact of the matter. Possibly because I'm still carrying trauma from being the "overgiver" in past relationships.

I can't seem to get to the healthy middle ground; it's always one extreme or another!

Do you have this experience? What did you do about it?

Thanks...

LB

 

[anthony]

Have I achieved healthy, balanced love? Yes... finally, I can unequivocally answer yes to that question.

Saying that, it took a whole lot of life experience, two prior marriages, crap loads of one night stands and relationships in-between... but experience shone through.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Yes I have healthy balanced love . It took many years thirty six . But we love each other and we are very good together. We really love each other. We care for each other. We want the best for each other. Now I am a caregiver for my husband who is sick. I do all of the responsibilites. It took alot of love to get us to where we are today.

 

[maddog]

In no way have i achieved anything even remotely resembling healthy balanced love... and so I suppose I'm responding not to the intent of your post, but to part of what you wrote which really resonated with me.

I too used to be a chronic and compulsive "giver" in relationships, and this included any form of relationship, intimate or otherwise. Helping and supporting others was, for a long time, the only thing that felt real and worthwhile in my life and my ability to do this felt like the only thing I could tolerate or accept about myself and the only way in which I could achieve any sense of satisfaction or self worth at all.

And then the floodgates opened, the protective mask of denial and numbness shattered once and for all, and PTSD and all of its symptoms took over my life. And now suddenly I find I seem to have become a chronic and compulsive "receiver" in relationships, seemingly unable to give anything back to those who are supporting me, and feeling exhausted and overwhelmed and almost intimidated by the prospect of even trying to. Needless to say my sense of self worth has taken a beating in line with this pendulum swing, and I'm not really sure how to understand what's happening, let alone what to do in order to try to tip the balance back to somewhere nearer normal.

Right now I know I am far from healthy enough to be engaging in any sort of intimate relationship, so I'm sorry if this response has somewhat hijacked your thread, but I just wanted to acknowledge this aspect of what you wrote, and to validate and empathise with it as someone who is struggling with the same recent shift.

Maddog

 

[Loner]

Yea, but I wouldnt say it was romantic. Can't say I ever really felt romantic with my dog.

I have moments where I feel healthy balanced love for myself.

I get the feeling you mean romantically though. Perhaps its worth looking into that thats what you define real love as being.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I've never achieved a healthy loving relationship.

When I have been in friendships with women, I tend to be drawn towards 'fixers', people who will tell me who I am, what my problems are etc. And I will show them all my weaknesses and insecurities to please them. But it doesn't lead to balanced healthy friendships.

In intimate relationships I have gone for people who appear strong, intelligent or have overcome adversity in some way. I think I look for someone who will be reliable and capable of handling the situation when bad things happen. But I want to show them that I'm also reliable and capable when bad things happen.

It has a tendency to lead to controlling or abusive relationships. I think maybe people who I think are strong are perhaps those who need to show their strength over others.

At the moment I'm aware of how incapable I am at judging relationships rationally. On top of this I tend to dissociate if I feel frightened, which puts me more at risk in the wrong company.

So for now I avoid forming relationships of any sort. But it is something I would like to improve.

I'm hoping that trauma CBT will help me learn how to form and maintain healthy relationships. But it's something I've never done. It feels so alien that I wonder if I ever will be able to.

 

[intothelight]

I think that "falling in love" is one thing, but staying in love is a conscious active choice, and to keep a relationship healthy involves two healthy individuals, time, and effort.

I am finding as I get better, the relationship with my husband is improving. It is a work in progress, and some days are more balanced than others. But relationships are dynamic and change is always happening. Just as long as it is changing for the better overall.

 

[LizBeth1]

Yes, sorry all - I meant in a partnership, yes, romantic - most of you presumed correctly. Maddog, I am where you're at. Thank you for the validation.

I'm still learning and going through those moments of shock at my own behavior sometimes when he relays stories back to me where it's only then that I realize how dissociated I was during an interaction. Even though it can be productive to make those discoveries because you become more motivated to stay focused, it can also feel devastating to find out how dissociated you were later on - and how impossible it is to be there and give equally when you're dissociated. It can make me feel helpless to surmount the lopsidedness and the lack of fairness my CPTSD has created in our relationship. It's also hard to feel remorse if you really were not present at all during an interaction and instead a wounded inner child was the one interacting. Little children are very self-absorbed and aren't really all that able to feel empathy for the adult they're interacting with... there's the natural expectation of a small child to be the prime focus of the adult, and the natural child-adult lack of reciprocity. When I become present later on, and get back into "adult me," I realize "adult me" was never present and therefore has trouble feeling empathy for what that interaction did to him. It's awful to feel so disconnected from myself and therefore disconnected from empathizing with him at times. My T reassures me that I should not worry about the lack of remorse so much, as we're progressing on a path and that path will rectify itself eventually when I'm better integrated.

I'm glad to hear many of you have succeeded at balancing these issues in your close partnerships.

 

[p-no]

It is very difficult, I imagine, to give what you have been receiving. You wrote yourself that

I'm with someone who is like I used to be, a chronic giver who has trouble voicing his own needs.

Doesn't this mean that he is giving too much also? And do I get it right that when you say reciprocating makes you feel exhausted you are referring to this "chronic giver who has trouble voicing his own needs"? If so, you would try to reciprocate too much because you are being given too much (not balanced either).

I have come to find that for me I must develop first into the person I want to be in a relationship (balanced giver and receiver) and then find someone who is already a balanced giver and receiver himself. It's not only becoming one, it's finding another one "that fits" on top of it. The "right" choice of a partner.

I read somewhere that a partner should always be the cream on top of the piece of cake. The cake (life) is still very good without any cream, but somewhat better and special with the cream (partner) on top (no pun intended).

Not that I've succeeded in actually having a healthy balanced relationship with a partner, but I'm working on becoming a suitable partner and finding one "that fits", too. My first vital lesson was to learn that no partner (if not a healthy balanced one) is better than "any" partner (of the kind I used to have). That has changed a lot around for the better.

Applicants, please send PC :D (just kidding)

 

[LizBeth1]

You're so right, prime-no! Yes, it's not just lopsided because of me ;) He is very kind, but can be overaccommodating and a bit self-suppressing, and has trouble asking for what he needs until some time after the fact. From a quantum physics perspective, it makes sense that we magnetized one another.

I agree that the work is in being the change that we want to see. Spiritual texts will tell us that love is two people being independent conduits for something higher -- not needing each other to feel complete, but complementing one another's autonomy.

Of course getting there is another experience ;) Thanks!

 

[NIKI]

Yea, but I wouldnt say it was romantic. Can't say I ever really felt romantic with my dog.

:roflmao::laugh::roflmao: