Childhood Have you ever thought about contacting old teachers and asking them if they knew?

[Fadeaway]

I have a teacher from the 4th grade. I have never gotten over my bitterness towards him for a lot of things. It was clear he hated me and and made my home life situation a hundred times worse. There is a lot I am not going to bother typing out but the best lesson he taught me was trying in school is a waste of time because trying had still results in punishment.

Anyways, I used to sit in his class every day trying to mentally will him into seeing something was wrong. I would try to come up with ways to try and tell him without actually saying anything, but it only got him angry and frustrated with me.

I have wanted to confront him for years, for some reason, I could never let it go. My bitterness only grew as I got older. Clearly there is a lot more to this story. Well, I have finally found him online, and no I am not sure if I should follow through with it. I want to ask him if he knew the abuse I suffered due to the notes he sent home, but chances are, he probably doesn't even remember a student from nearly 30 years ago.

Wondering if I am alone in this? and looking for some encouragement to do so.

 

[scout86]

I've wondered things like that, yes. Not so much about school as about family members who may or may not have witnessed, wondered about stuff.

He may or may not remember you. I know some retired teachers and they DO remember a lot of their students. He may or may not have had any clue what was going on in your life. (And the idea that he hated you may, or may not, be a cognitive distortion, BTW.)

Personally, there are a couple of people I now wish I'd been able to sit down and talk to before they died. But I didn't and they did, so that door is shut. The one thing I'd suggest is ask yourself, beforehand, what your goal is. Do you want to get information and have a conversation? Do you want to punish him for making your life more complicated than it already was? Something else? Because how you approach him is going to have an impact on what kind of response you get.

 

[Lucycat]

I have never wanted to confront teachers but I have wondered how nobody knew. I was a textbook case. Went from outgoing to introverted in a flash and there was no comment.

Easy to see this with hindsight, but when I read the red flag lists on child protection guidance today I do wonder about just how simplistic it all is.

 

[Bozo]

Yes. I knew some of my teachers knew something was wrong.

My 5th grade teacher used to ask me to do things so I wouldn't feel so bad. Nice guy.

 

[Sideways]

I’ve been thinking of contacting a couple of teachers about whether they knew. Slightly different in my case, because the abuse was happening at school, although I kind of assume they didn’t know. The police recently established that my best friends didn’t know...

But even having tracked down a couple of teachers who I think might have been well-placed to have possibly known, I haven’t yet contacted them because I’m not sure what I’d do with the information. Would it be helpful, or just distressing? Idk.

 

[deeplyloved]

When I was in elementary school, there were a couple of teachers who asked me questions and didn’t like my answers. But they talked to my parents and I can only guess they like the answers my parents gave. I was beaten, as a result, for bringing shame on the family and “lying” to teachers. In high school, i always lied to worried teachers and they believed my lies.

 

[Friday]

So it's not just contacting old teachers to find out of they knew... It's contacting maybe the only teacher who hated you, and even if he didn't hate you, made your life miserable.

Like confronting an abuser expecting remorse/an apology?

If you've decided that's a futile thing to try get from your abusers, it makes sense why you'd want to go to the next class of assholes down the list. Also just as likely to backfire as looking for validation/acceptance/consolation from an abuser.

While it makes sense that you'd want the people who hurt you to be the ones to do that? It makes infinitely MORE sense to seek out good things from good people, rather than from enemies and assholes.

Just on a pragmatic basis, they're far more likely to do that. But even assuming the best case /snowflakes chance in hell scenario (abusers and assholes have utterly changed); who do you really want to bring into your life to be providing love/acceptance/validation/consolation/etc.? A good person whom adores you, or enemies & assholes?

 

[Sideways]

@Friday - that was a very rational reply. I can’t speak for @Fadeaway but it’s definitely very helpful for me

 

[bento]

If he knew about how you suffered, he's a toxic ahole and I'm w/Friday, why bring that
into your life? If he was just frustrated with you and had no idea of the consequences
or just dumping on you due to some other kind of other pressure, well
he's an asshat of a teacher and again, why would you bring that into your life? These types
don't play well with others and don't care how their actions affect people's lives. (And they're
so much worse if they're harming a child)

But it could be something else entirely. I was abused by several teachers in elementary school
and I later found out that my momster was calling the school constantly and basically verbally abusing my teachers!! And my teachers thought I was going home and making up outlandish
stories about them to deliberately get them into trouble. Well that definitely put another spin on things! I found out about this in a roundabout way. Not sure if I asked them directly that they
would have copped to it. Perhaps there's a dim chance your case might fall into this category?

I also was targeted by a teacher in high school. He sent home several letters that got me into
deep deep doo doo with momster. Later I ran into him by chance and found out that he was
motivated by genuine concern and obviously had no idea how mentally disturbed my adoptive parents were. He was in the middle of getting reamed out by admin for piling on another
student. So I found out that how he treated me (basically hard core haranguing and laser
sharp focus on rules) was how he treated everyone. He was just seriously old school. He
was I think from Austria and had learned an exacting teaching style.
Don't know if this fits with your situation either. Just offering some alternative possibilities.

If your hope is that an abusive teacher will genuinely apologize, I would brace yourself that the likelihood is about as good as the snowball in hell scenario. Btw, I've been apologized to a
number of times by abusers in my life. In all cases, without exception, these apologies were
either extremely short-lived sentiments offered by abusers when they were down on their luck
or disingenuous manipulations to avoid consequences. At best, a hollow "triumph" for me,
at worst, just more trauma. If someone has really harmed and is genuinely sorry, they will seek you
out to make amends. Just my two cents with my experience with trying to extract apologies
from asshats and other assorted dildos.

 

[nowthisisme]

I'm actually in the process of locating my old teachers. Like @Ragdoll Circus my abuse happened mostly at school.

I know for SURE the principal knew and most of the teachers as well. One of the girls told her parents and they made a huge problem at school but no one ever reported it to the police, they all swept it under the rug and they just asked the abused to leave the school but only after he finished the year. It pissed me off remembering this!

The abuser hurt me the most at his house AFTER he was exposed.

So I am beyound angry at the school, I can't believe, I just can't understand how they can just ignore this. If just 1 teacher reported it then I wouldn't have been raped. What happened at school was nothing compared to what that asshole did to me at his house.

So yes i am looking them up and when i am ready i am going to raise hell on them.

SORRY .. this really upset me. I'm trying to channel my anger but lately it's all focused on the school ...

 

[New]

I agree with Friday. If he was an an angry person then and made your life harder I don’t think he would tell you even if he did know or suspect something.

I could be wrong though. Some people really tend to soften up as they get older and maybe just maybe it would be the closure you both could benefit from.

I would just hate for him to hurt you more. Do you think you could handle that? I’m rooting for you either way.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I have a saying..... To ask why, is to open the door for more abuse.

I think that instead of seeking answers that will only hurt and delay a persons healing, your energy is better spent working on your trauma and healing. The saying, once a cheater always a cheater, can also be once an abuser, always an abuser.