I haven't talked to my sufferer in a few days. I was texting good morning and good night but i stopped. I got tired of one word answers. I know he's depressed and is answering so I won't worry but I don't care anymore. I'm depressed too. I hate the holidays and my daughter moved out. All I do is go to work to pay bills. I'm lonely and tired. So, I stopped checking in. I hope he's ok, but if he can't talk to me then so be it. He says he has no one to talk to but he does. He's much closer with his sister than I am to anyone. I'm so sad and he has no idea. He knows very little about me and my family. I don't have ptsd or clinical depression, but I am lonely because I don't have family or friends. A while back he told me I have him, but I don't. There's just no point to any of this.
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Relationship Haven't Talked To Him In A Few Days
- Post starter Glara
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You might not have PTSD or clinical depression but that doesn't mean your feelings are any less important than his. By the sounds of it you could use a little care at the monent too. I'm coming to realize that supporters do it really tough and it makes me question how I've treated my own partner as well. If you do want to stay in the relationship it is going to take work and commitment from you both. He needs to be willing to put in his share too. If he won't that speaks for itself
Justmehere
Sponsor
:hug: @Glara
D
Deleted member 27524
Hugs Glara! D has been MIA for almost 4 days. He tested positive for the flu and said he was freaking out. A few other things happened and I could tell he was super stressed.. I miss him so much and I wanna say something but I'm refraining. If you need to talk inbox me:)
illusionist
Diamond Member
It is hard for you...your priority is yourself, so make sure you concentrate on YOU. In my situation the best thing is to leave me to it. A message saying "I'm here for you, the door is open, and this is still your home" was sent to me by my partner.....nothing else or no other communication. I contacted when I was ready, came back and made the agreement that my behaviour of running away was not healthy for either of us. It still takes work, I'm struggling with it now, but realise I'd be damn selfish if I did. My thoughts go out to you x
- Post starter
- #6
@richter scale I believe he'd answer because he was answering, but he was just saying hi or hey. He was only answering so I'd know he was alive. I'm worried about him but I'm also not dealing well with the holidays and my daughter moving out. He used to give me so much attention and I miss him and I feel like maybe he's not interested anymore. He lives far away so it's not like we can see each other much. All we have is phone and text. I'm so conflicted with worry and sad.
illusionist
Diamond Member
If my partner had continued to text I think I would have answered with one word because a part of me knew I would come out of it but the strongest part, at that time, didn't care.......I was in too much of my own turmoil......selfish, if you like. I can't dress it up, I didn't care.
I adore my partner and did before that episode, he's my world. But somehow I blocked out all emotions for him and all the positives I left behind. He could have came to me and stood in front of me and I would have felt nothing. A couple of weeks later after I'd dealt with what I needed to deal with, my emotions for him came flooding back. Felt like I had space in my head and heart for him. This has been my behaviour a few times.
I do not know if this is how he is feeling, I can only try to explain my experience.
You have to put yourself first, try to concentrate on yourself. If and when he does come round, you MUST tell him how you feel. If you want him in your life you need a firm, loving hand...boundaries. You are in this relationship as well you know! X
I adore my partner and did before that episode, he's my world. But somehow I blocked out all emotions for him and all the positives I left behind. He could have came to me and stood in front of me and I would have felt nothing. A couple of weeks later after I'd dealt with what I needed to deal with, my emotions for him came flooding back. Felt like I had space in my head and heart for him. This has been my behaviour a few times.
I do not know if this is how he is feeling, I can only try to explain my experience.
You have to put yourself first, try to concentrate on yourself. If and when he does come round, you MUST tell him how you feel. If you want him in your life you need a firm, loving hand...boundaries. You are in this relationship as well you know! X
- Post starter
- #8
Thank you so much @richter scale, it helps to hear you explain it that way. I kinda feel like that's how it is for him too. I was texting every day to make sure he's alive but so long as he goes on Facebook I know he is, so I stopped texting. I don't want to force him to text if he's not feelin' it. I really appreciate you describing what it's like for you.
@Glara - First of all, if you'll accept them from a complete stranger: :hug:
Yours is a crazy hard situation to be in, absolutely no doubt about that. Supporter's fatigue is real, the thoughts of giving up on them are real, the doubts about everything they ever said or did are real.
My vet hasn't written or said a word to me in weeks now, and I'd have to lie to say I haven't gone through every possible feeling in the book, from worry to rage, from determination to resignation, from doubt to realization and from love to hate and back.
I've got PTSD myself, but our coping mechanisms are so very different, one of us might as well be healthy for all the "good" that is doing us.
What I'm finding to be most exhausting about it all is the questions that will occupy a supporter's brain pretty much 24/7.
"Is he alive?", "Why can he talk to others but not to me?", "Was it all a big joke to him?", "Does he even remember I exist?", "Was it something I did?", "Is there anything I can do?", "I want to help, why won't he let me if he claims to love me?" - all that jazz that might apply to a "normal" relationship, but not (necessarily - I guess it CAN work in some cases) to one with a damaged soul.
Sad as it may be, there isn't a whole lot anyone can do. These battles with their own demons are something no one but them can face.
It took me longer than it should have, given our circumstances, to understand that, and a LOT of talking (on here as well as to my therapist and a select few friends) to find the most likely answers to all those damned questions keeping me up at night.
I guess all I can do is echo what has been said here before: You need to take care of yourself now. His fight is nothing you can help him with, no one knows his battles like he does, and no one else can fight them for him.
Just the other day, a mutual friend of ours (my vet's hospital-buddy's wife who had to learn the hard way how to handle a PTSD-sufferer herself) told me my guy was fighting for his life like a madman because he needs HIS life in order to get OUR life. It's pretty much all I heard about how he's really doing at this time of the year that tends to be hardest for him and many others.
She also told me that I should try to see getting cut off completely as a compliment in a really twisted sort of way. Many sufferers don't pull away from everyone, but only those they don't want to disappoint, those they want to be strong for, those who got too close to their most vulnerable spots.
They know, somewhere beyond the raging battles with themselves, that they're hurting those they love, but there isn't a damn thing they can do about it, so the only thing they CAN do is spare their partners the pain - and slam the door on the reaction they believe they deserve, which would be the message that they've been given up on.
Does that make any sense at all?
Anyway: YOU need to think about YOURSELF now.
Spoil yourself in any way you can. Spa (even spa-days at home), long walks in the cold (screaming your frustrations out into the world, if there is a place nearby where you can do that without having people staring at you), hobbies, maybe join a club or a support group to meet new people if you can, a cup of coffee somewhere you've always wanted to go but never did - that kind of thing. You've got to get your strength back up, physically and emotionally, because you, too, are in a battle, and it's not going to get easier with time.
Reading your messages, though, I do get the impression that you know it'll be worth it in the end. You held on for so long, this is not the time to give up now. He knows you care, he knows you are there for him, and that will stay with him through it all. Now all he needs is time to regain his footing and become the best person he can be - for the best version of you that YOU can be.
Me, I've decided that the best thing I can do is to dive head-first into my own war, kicking my therapy into overdrive, while my guy is fighting his, and if the fates allow, we'll both win and head on into a better, at least slightly easier future eventually.
Try not to let this tear you apart. It's the hardest thing in the world some days, especially in a time of the year where everyone around seems to be all unicorns, rainbows, love and happy families. It's enough to drive a girl insane, but this, too, shall pass.
Keep yourself distracted if you can (music is my drug of choice), hide in the corner and cry if you need to, rage when you want to, rant when it becomes too much. PTSD is one hell of a beast and an unbelievable burden on sufferers and supporters alike, love is not the cure-all Hollywood would like us to believe it is, but even the eternal pessimist in me does believe in happy endings sometimes.
Take care of yourself, first and foremost. Don't give up on yourself or your guy. Give it time, for both your sakes - and please forgive me for this novel. :oops:
Keeping you both in my thoughts and my fingers crossed for you. :)
~Owl
Yours is a crazy hard situation to be in, absolutely no doubt about that. Supporter's fatigue is real, the thoughts of giving up on them are real, the doubts about everything they ever said or did are real.
My vet hasn't written or said a word to me in weeks now, and I'd have to lie to say I haven't gone through every possible feeling in the book, from worry to rage, from determination to resignation, from doubt to realization and from love to hate and back.
I've got PTSD myself, but our coping mechanisms are so very different, one of us might as well be healthy for all the "good" that is doing us.
What I'm finding to be most exhausting about it all is the questions that will occupy a supporter's brain pretty much 24/7.
"Is he alive?", "Why can he talk to others but not to me?", "Was it all a big joke to him?", "Does he even remember I exist?", "Was it something I did?", "Is there anything I can do?", "I want to help, why won't he let me if he claims to love me?" - all that jazz that might apply to a "normal" relationship, but not (necessarily - I guess it CAN work in some cases) to one with a damaged soul.
Sad as it may be, there isn't a whole lot anyone can do. These battles with their own demons are something no one but them can face.
It took me longer than it should have, given our circumstances, to understand that, and a LOT of talking (on here as well as to my therapist and a select few friends) to find the most likely answers to all those damned questions keeping me up at night.
I guess all I can do is echo what has been said here before: You need to take care of yourself now. His fight is nothing you can help him with, no one knows his battles like he does, and no one else can fight them for him.
Just the other day, a mutual friend of ours (my vet's hospital-buddy's wife who had to learn the hard way how to handle a PTSD-sufferer herself) told me my guy was fighting for his life like a madman because he needs HIS life in order to get OUR life. It's pretty much all I heard about how he's really doing at this time of the year that tends to be hardest for him and many others.
She also told me that I should try to see getting cut off completely as a compliment in a really twisted sort of way. Many sufferers don't pull away from everyone, but only those they don't want to disappoint, those they want to be strong for, those who got too close to their most vulnerable spots.
They know, somewhere beyond the raging battles with themselves, that they're hurting those they love, but there isn't a damn thing they can do about it, so the only thing they CAN do is spare their partners the pain - and slam the door on the reaction they believe they deserve, which would be the message that they've been given up on.
Does that make any sense at all?
Anyway: YOU need to think about YOURSELF now.
Spoil yourself in any way you can. Spa (even spa-days at home), long walks in the cold (screaming your frustrations out into the world, if there is a place nearby where you can do that without having people staring at you), hobbies, maybe join a club or a support group to meet new people if you can, a cup of coffee somewhere you've always wanted to go but never did - that kind of thing. You've got to get your strength back up, physically and emotionally, because you, too, are in a battle, and it's not going to get easier with time.
Reading your messages, though, I do get the impression that you know it'll be worth it in the end. You held on for so long, this is not the time to give up now. He knows you care, he knows you are there for him, and that will stay with him through it all. Now all he needs is time to regain his footing and become the best person he can be - for the best version of you that YOU can be.
Me, I've decided that the best thing I can do is to dive head-first into my own war, kicking my therapy into overdrive, while my guy is fighting his, and if the fates allow, we'll both win and head on into a better, at least slightly easier future eventually.
Try not to let this tear you apart. It's the hardest thing in the world some days, especially in a time of the year where everyone around seems to be all unicorns, rainbows, love and happy families. It's enough to drive a girl insane, but this, too, shall pass.
Keep yourself distracted if you can (music is my drug of choice), hide in the corner and cry if you need to, rage when you want to, rant when it becomes too much. PTSD is one hell of a beast and an unbelievable burden on sufferers and supporters alike, love is not the cure-all Hollywood would like us to believe it is, but even the eternal pessimist in me does believe in happy endings sometimes.
Take care of yourself, first and foremost. Don't give up on yourself or your guy. Give it time, for both your sakes - and please forgive me for this novel. :oops:
Keeping you both in my thoughts and my fingers crossed for you. :)
~Owl
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- #10
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