Having A Hard Time Returning To Work... Is It Even Possible?

[MomIsTheBoss]

I work in a correctional centre. My journey with PTSD started after a severe assault at work. I was off work for close to 2 yrs, seeing a psychologist regularly.
I would not return to my original workplace but was willing to try working in another centre with a different population of inmates.
What was originally supposed to be an 8 week gradual return to work is now going on 16 wks. I absolutely hate every minute of it. I have actually taken 3 wks off during this 16 wks, 1 of which was around the anniversary of my incident. I never took any medication the whole time I was off of work, but since starting back, I am on 3 different meds to try to keep my symptoms and anxiety at bay. I'm pretty miserable but feel stuck.
I won't get paid near the same wage anywhere else, and I'm in the middle of moving my family to where the new centre is, as 3 hrs of commuting on top of 10 and 12 hr work days can't work for long.
I don't know if I'll feel better once my move is finalized and I'm not driving all those hours every day (I developed an intense fear of driving about 2 wks into my return to work, which has settled somewhat with meds)
I've seen a few jobs I would like to apply for in my new city but I don't take posession for another 7 wks, and I can't risk anything not letting the mortgage go through. I'm willing and able to take a pay cut to work a regular low stress (I think anything other than a jail to me would be low stress) mon-Fri 9-5. I have 5 kids at home full time and 2 step children part time and I honestly think I bit off more than I can chew.
I guess I just have to suck it up and keep going for the next 7 wks and hope I can do it? I should also mention I have 7 wks vacation time to use up. Maybe if I was hired for another job I could take my "vacation time" and begin at the new employer, while still being an employee of the jail for mortgage purposes?
I am sorry for rambling I hope this made sense.
I am so saddened by going from so much passion about what I do to being absolutely miserable at even the thought of putting on my uniform

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

That type of environment will probably trigger you now. I suggest trying to find a much more peaceful job, or seek disability benefits.

 

[scout86]

Did you like your job before the incident? Personally, I think life is too short to spend it doing something you hate and dread, no matter what the reason.

If you loved your job before, and want to feel that way again, it seems like your therapy needs to focus on that. Changing how you feel about work "now" back to how you felt about it "then." I'm not saying this is easy. I think it's possible. My work includes a potential for getting physically hurt. I've had lots of incidents where there have been close calls. (As in "I'm not dead, so it was only a close call".) These aren't PTSD causing incidents, but pretty often, in similar circumstances, I have vivid memories of stuff. (Like I can almost feel that horse's hoof as if brushes across my cheek when he nearly kicked me in the head every time I get in the same position with a similar horse.) It's a little creepy, but that's all it is because I know it's a memory of something that's over, it's not happening NOW. All it does is motivate me to do all I can to keep it from happening NOW. I think it's possible to do that with traumatic memories too, and I think it's what they call "processing" the memories.

On the other hand, what was it you liked about your job before this happened? Are there other things that could provide the same thing without causing the dread?

You mentioned medication, are you getting any help with this beyond medication? ('cause it seems like it would be useful)

 

[Justmehere]

It is estimated that 33% of correctional officers have PTSD from the workplace and up to 50% have PTSD symptoms. Jail is literally where predators are locked up. I think it is amazing you have done as well as you have so far.

It's great that you are working on a return to work, and part of the purpose of a gradual return is to figure out what is going to work out the best for you for the long haul.

Sleep deprivation usually increases PTSD symptoms and I don't know how you are making it through the day with such long commutes! That's rough.

It's really smart to consider work outside of the jails. I know it's not what you originally planned, but it's so wise to consider other options and begin to figure out what this new chapter of life will hold.

Take the long view as much as you can. As you know, therapy and missed time off a work costs a lot - and going back the the jail setting may just continue to spike up PTSD symptoms over and over again.

You could continue to just hang on for the next seven weeks but you already seem so fried and exhausted.

Your kids need their parent to be as healthy as possible, and they need this just as much as basic food and housing.

As far as how to work out the mortgage issues - I would suggest calling a mortgage broker that you don't have a pending application with, and informally ask them about the situation. They may know of a creative solution to look into.

Please remember to take care of you most of all. You have a lot of pressures on you, and that makes it all the more important to listen to what you need. It's like the emergency drills on airplanes. We have to put in our own mask first before we put it on anyone else, including children.

During those drives, maybe it would help to listen to relaxation tapes or work on deep breathing.

It's all about lowering the amount of stress in your cup, whatever job you are in. If there is even someone you could stay with for one night a week in the new city just to get caught up on sleep, that may help you pull through during the rest of the week.

Or perhaps you could use some of that vacation time now. Instead of 7 weeks straight, what about taking 1-3 day a of vacation time a week to recover and rest and apply for new jobs.

 

[MomIsTheBoss]

Thanks everyone. I'm trying really hard to just hang in there and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I worked in a youth facility and am now working with adults. It's a very different world, my coworkers don't understand, and almost 4 months later, I'm still learning the ropes. I've made some small mistakes that could have ended very badly (any mistake can in this occupation) and I've really taken them to heart, where as before I would just shake it off and call it part of the learning curve.

I need to go in for a 10 hr shift today and my mind is already trying to make excuses about why I can call in. This is NOT healthy for me, and the second this mortgage is secured I'm out, even if it means working at McDonald's until I find more suitable employment. The problem is making it to work for the next few weeks (might be able to fast track it so it's more like 3 wks vs 7 wks)

 

[Friday]

I love it when making a decision lifts that weight... But sometimes being a short timer is fiendishly difficult, even more so than the stress of needing to make a decision. Counting Sundays is sometimes all I can do to get through the time.

Cheers to hoping your mortgage secures post haste & you can use your vacation time to job hunt :)