Having sex for comparison

[flowerapple]

Can you start with writing stories or imagining simple, healthy fantasies? Or try touch and intimacy in your head? What happens when you imagine holding hands, hugs, kisses, looking into someone's eyes? Is that a nice experience, or do you begin to feel the glimmers of a flashback?

I do try that, and it's like you said, I begin to feel flashbacks coming. That's why I've decided that it wouldn't make sense to even try to have a relationship with someone because I just have too many problems. Plus I wouldn't want to burden someone with all my problems because it wouldn't be fair to them. That's why I'm thinking with this I would get to avoid putting myself and the other person through all of it, and just skip that part, and maybe that will change things for me.

But I do get where you're coming from. I spoke to another friend of mine about it to see what she thought and she basically said the same thing everyone else here is saying. I know she is right and I know you guys are right too. But I'm just really desperate right now, and for once would want to experience something that would be considered normal where I wasn't forced by someone, or by myself.

 

[Mach123]

I do try that, and it's like you said, I begin to feel flashbacks coming. That's why I've decided that it wouldn't make sense to even try to have a relationship with someone because I just have too many problems. Plus I wouldn't want to burden someone with all my problems because it wouldn't be fair to them. That's why I'm thinking with this I would get to avoid putting myself and the other person through all of it, and just skip that part, and maybe that will change things for me.

But I do get where you're coming from. I spoke to another friend of mine about it to see what she thought and she basically said the same thing everyone else here is saying. I know she is right and I know you guys are right too. But I'm just really desperate right now, and for once would want to experience something that would be considered normal where I wasn't forced by someone, or by myself.

I hope this helps you but I realize long ago people are lonely. So don't feel bad. You are not a burden and you are not going to "put your horrible self all over some poor person."

You say to a prospective heartache "I'm a mess" and hopefully they say "so am I" and you keep each other company awhile and see how it goes and try and relax.

And that's it, and the chips fall where they may.

I've never been casual about it but, it's nice to have company. It's work. It has advantages.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm just really desperate right now

I don’t think that desperation sex is going to give you what you’re looking for.

I think maybe it would be a better idea to try and accept where you are right now instead of try to be like everyone else.

The chances of having a normal type “first” experience may be quite small given the trauma you have endured.

It actually took me quite a few years until I started having normal-ish sex and it wasn’t for lack of trying. It didn’t start happening until I was with someone who loved me and knew how to help me when I had meltdowns in the middle of sex.

I think for people like us, it’s not just about having sex, it’s about having sex with people who can truly make us feel safe. (Friends don’t really rise to this level of safety.)

 

[blackemerald1]

Agree with Eve.

And if you really want to ruin a good friendship have sex with them.

 

[EveHarrington]

And if you really want to ruin a good friendship have sex with them.

Excellent point.