eleuteriathanatos
New Here
As in the thread title.I feel stuck in a rut,in a situation I know I need to get out of,but I lack the means and support to do something concrete in order to overcome the issue and put my mind at peace.Like...you know you gotta fix your life,but you don't know where and how to start going about it.
What's also hurtful is having to keep it bottled up,being a completely socially isolated pariah and lacking a positive influence/someone who could provide genuine empathy. Also having to put up with my family,i.e. dumb,insensitive,self-centered parents who weren't the abusers per se (at least with regard to what's troubling me now),but were the great enablers,i.e. they saw me in a position of economic/social/psychological vulnerability and didn't endorse me materially or emotionally,though they could have done so.Brother who's a psychological thrall of said parents,fearing emotional backlash from them if he dares not comply with their every whim and expectation,as such also emotionially stunted and not great help.
Any attempt at communication or search for empathy will be met with tactical silence,gaslighting or 30-minutes long meltdowns in which my hysteric mother laments how I'm slowly killing her (considering she has been telling me this since my early teens,I probably haven't been doing that good a job at it).
Aside from the issue that triggered my trauma )not getting into tthe specifics,but the (in)action of my parents felt like a massive betrayal),I always find myself contemplating what would be the most ethically appropriate position to adopt with my parents,should I live to see a brighter day:outright ghost them?Phase out and slowly but steadily establish clear and tight boundaries?As for the the former,I find myself thinking about how better off I'd be,since in the here and now,having them around me and feeling like I'm surrounded by emotional "ghosts" drains me,but at the same time I get the occasional reminiscence aboyt the occasional good or not so bad time,and I end up thinking about how cutting ties could to some extent hurt them,though my scruples in this regard are probably more than they deserve.
In short...I'm quite fked up :D
But the rant was in order.
What's also hurtful is having to keep it bottled up,being a completely socially isolated pariah and lacking a positive influence/someone who could provide genuine empathy. Also having to put up with my family,i.e. dumb,insensitive,self-centered parents who weren't the abusers per se (at least with regard to what's troubling me now),but were the great enablers,i.e. they saw me in a position of economic/social/psychological vulnerability and didn't endorse me materially or emotionally,though they could have done so.Brother who's a psychological thrall of said parents,fearing emotional backlash from them if he dares not comply with their every whim and expectation,as such also emotionially stunted and not great help.
Any attempt at communication or search for empathy will be met with tactical silence,gaslighting or 30-minutes long meltdowns in which my hysteric mother laments how I'm slowly killing her (considering she has been telling me this since my early teens,I probably haven't been doing that good a job at it).
Aside from the issue that triggered my trauma )not getting into tthe specifics,but the (in)action of my parents felt like a massive betrayal),I always find myself contemplating what would be the most ethically appropriate position to adopt with my parents,should I live to see a brighter day:outright ghost them?Phase out and slowly but steadily establish clear and tight boundaries?As for the the former,I find myself thinking about how better off I'd be,since in the here and now,having them around me and feeling like I'm surrounded by emotional "ghosts" drains me,but at the same time I get the occasional reminiscence aboyt the occasional good or not so bad time,and I end up thinking about how cutting ties could to some extent hurt them,though my scruples in this regard are probably more than they deserve.
In short...I'm quite fked up :D
But the rant was in order.
