Having Trouble Letting New People Into My Life...

[J_trustno1]

Sorry for posting a question for my selfish reasons but I really need help.

Anytime a new person (especially a guy) tries to enter my life I end up getting on the edge and wanting to kick them out of my life. I do this so that I reject them before they reject me so that it doesn't hurt me. Secondly, I don't trust men because I feel they only want to use my body, then abuse me and leave me. All these examples relate back to my childhood (there is a pedophile in my childhood, abusive father and narcissistic brother of my mother). I'm afraid of letting any male know me too well because I know that I'll be hurt in the end.

I've had few horrible relationships with guys in the past and they all berated me, made fun of my body shape when I was not even that overweight, some made fun of my height, and most of them wanted to use my body but when they couldn't get it, I was dumped within a month.

About a few weeks ago, a friend of a friend tried approaching me and we went on our first coffee date this weekend (btw this is my first date in my entire life). The guy is well educated, treated me well, has a good sense of humor and is average looking. My problem is that he's 2 years younger but then again he seems like a nice person and he does not care about the age difference. However, I have been trying to cut him off and about to tell him to stop messaging me because I just don't want to be hurt or dumped again. This shit and fear is taking over my life again. I have been avoiding guys for years and pushing them away because I feel that they will be like the abusers of my childhood and like those three horrid men.

Please help me, because it's not that easy to let anyone into my life.


One more thing: I have very low tolerance people and their habits especially hygiene. He doesn't have a bad hygiene or anything but I worry about living with his family (according to my culture) and doing the house work. Argh,, I'm just horrible and cold. I've always hated the house work.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm so happy you've met someone! Kudos to you!

I know it is hard, but please try to not push him away. Maybe let him know that you like to take things slow? That way he knows upfront that you want to take your time to get to know him, and there is a bit less pressure on you as well.

As for the housework thing, is this a given? I don't know much of anything about your culture, but I guess what I'm asking is if moving in with the family is a definite thing. PTSD is stressful, and if I'm lucky enough to find a partner one day, it will be JUST him....no kids, no parents, no weird best friends that can't let go....Nope, won't live with any of them. (I need my space!)

 

[Fadeaway]

I think you are surrendering too much emotional control to this person too soon and are looking too far ahead. You need to take some control over the situation. By doing that I mean take it one date at a time all the while telling yourself that YOU can break it off at any moment you choose. Dating does not equal commitment. It is a way to get to know someone and yourself better.

Look at it as a learning experiment that may or may not result in you finding this person compatible You won't know though unless you take time to get to know him. Go into each date with the only expectation that you will learn something from it. Whether it is that you learned things you like or dislike about the person or even dating techniques for the next guy you date.

All the while keep your eyes out for red flags. If you see traits that remind you of your abuses then you have the power to end it. Constantly remind yourself of this. I think if you realize the power your have, I think you'll find it easier to let good people in and keep bad people out without pushing the good ones away and becoming vulnerable to those who aren't so good.

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks @itsKismet for your kind words :hug:s. He hasn't mentioned anything about the relationship part yet but we are treating each other like friends and see where things go towards.

Thanks @Fadeaway :hug:s. When we first met this Sunday, the thing which offended me was when he said "I don't look like my facebook photo". I thought he meant I was not good looking and I was planning to never meet him ever again. However, he then told me by messages that he's sorry if he offended me and he was actually nervous that they forgot all the things he prepared for. He told me that I look prettier in real life. Now I don't know what is real in this. I am going to see where this turns up. He does want to meet me again though but I don't know if I should be happy about it or not?

 

[SnowJo]

Sorry for posting a question for my selfish reasons but I really need help.

Anytime a new person (espec...

Take things slowly. Be happy to be friends and take your time, your feeling ok is really important. Love isn't feeling out of control... its feeling cherished just the way you are, and you need respect, time, patience and just take things slow... reassure yourself that you have time... don't be afraid to set limits... this will prove to yourself you are not a victim anymore and you have choices and are an adult with a different life today. You're way ahead of me btw,,, I won't even go for coffee, I've had some folks chase me for 5 years and still couldn't even go jsut for a coffee. but you know what, I am ok with that, because that's where I am at, maybe one day I will want to go for a coffee... maybe :-)

 

[J_trustno1]

@SnowJo : Aww thanks :) :hug:s. This means a lot and yes you're right about taking it slow and seeing where things end.