Relationship He basically told me goodbye.

[Sighs]

@Friday - Where can I buy your book? Seriously. Your explanations and analogies are awesome. :hug:

 

[Justmehere]

Dating is all about finding who you click with and you who don’t, and who can stick it out long haul and who can’t. This one... has been clearly ruled out.

Even the best of breakups can hurt like hell. There is much to grieve and learn from relationships that don’t work out, but don’t stop there. Don’t just look to the past, look forward.

You are now free to find someone who can better meet your needs in a relationship. That’s a good thing about all of this.

When someone finally lets go of what they have been tightly grasping and trying so hard to hold on to, their hands are now open. For something new.

 

[Hojay]

I'm a little late to this and everyone is probably long over it, but I want to address your analogy @Friday. First, I LOVE the analogy, because it simplifies the variables quite nicely. Also because it applies well to what I go through with my own sufferer--accidental hits with toy trucks, angry hitting back with his own toy truck.

But I want to stick with @B.J.'s situation here, and in that I think the analogy is spot on, but also a little flawed in how it actually played out on his playground.

BJ slipped, fell, hit his ex in the face with his truck. Ex said he doesn't want to play with him anymore. BJ was taken aside (on here) and was told about what happened, why the ex decided he didn't want to play anymore, and was asked to take responsibility. Which he did. So over the course of a few months, the ex kept quiet, reaffirmed that he doesn't want to play anymore, but that he forgives BJ for what happened. Alright, BJ is still here trying to come to terms with what happened. In the process, he found out that some of what the ex was doing wasn't at all related to PTSD (another good reason to be on here--learning about what PTSD is and what it isn't.) BJ came to the conclusion that his ex was only playing with him in the first place because of BJ's nice toy trucks and that BJ's accidental slip and fall with the toy truck seemed to have been something of a convenient excuse to stop playing with him. In addition to that, months after the accidental hit, (which BJ acknowledged, took responsibility for, and apologized for,) the ex comes swinging with his own toy truck out of left field.

So now...we're supposed to tell BJ he needs to think a little more about having accidentally hit the ex with his truck? Or maybe it would be more helpful to advise him to focus on the fact that the guy he accidentally hit with the truck was ALSO pretty bad news in general? To think that advice would somehow absolve BJ from having made his own mistakes is black and white thinking.

I find it morally repugnant to feed into blaming the supporter.

I find it morally repugnant to relativize abusive behavior (the ex taking advantage of BJ, dumping him under somewhat false pretenses, and then retaliating in a disproportionate manner after BJ already acknowledged his actions,) and to ask supporters to take some of the blame for that erratic behavior. It's one of the reasons people stay in abusive relationships: the blame-shifting they experience from their abusers. Read, "the only reason I'm treating you like this is because YOU did XYZ. If you complain about this treatment YOU are not taking responsibility for YOUR mistakes."

It doesn’t do anyone any good, IMO, to be encouraging the kid who accidentally fell and hurt the other kid “It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want to play with you, it wasn’t your fault, so you don’t have to apologize, & he has to play with you... or he’s a terrible person.”

But this isn't what happened here. Nobody on this forum ever told BJ that he did nothing wrong (he gets it,) that he doesn't have to apologize (he has,) or that his ex not wanting to play anymore makes him a horrible person (whole threads have been dedicated to explaining to BJ why someone with PTSD would react as the ex did.)

That said, and maybe I'm on a bit of a crusade here, but I don't think it does sufferer's any good either to not have their behavior called out for what it is sometimes: abuse. Which there is no excuse for. PTSD or not. Supporter mistakes or not.

 

[anonymous]

abusive behavior (the ex taking advantage of BJ, dumping him under somewhat false pretenses, and then retaliating in a disproportionate manner after BJ already acknowledged his actions

I'm not trying to pick a fight here and maybe there was more to it than this but is this really abusive? I don't think you mean sexual assault when you say "taking advantage".

I'm not sure the break up was anything more than a break up (I would be pretty damn cranky if my partner spoke to my workmates about my mental health without my permission or knowledge) and the retaliation might be childish but in the ex's view not disproportionate. I think labelling what seems to me to be a pretty run of the mill relationship gone bad for various reasons without either party being a monster as abuse minimises domestic violence.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

'm not sure the break up was anything more than a break up (I would be pretty damn cranky if my partner spoke to my workmates about my mental health without my permission or knowledge) and the retaliatio

Pleas don’t take this as a retaliation to your post. For the record, I found out that he took hearsay and used it against me for his benefit and to dodge guilt. He just didn’t have what it took to maintain a healthy relationship with me, nor wa educated enough to maintain a healthy relationship with him. It only lasted for seven months. If a person can walk away from not only a relationship, but also a friendship of several years, then they were never my friend to begin with.

 

[Hojay]

I think labelling what seems to me to be a pretty run of the mill relationship gone bad for various reasons without either party being a monster as abuse minimises domestic violence.

Thank you for pointing this out, anonymous. I actually completely agree with you. The last thing I want to do is minimize domestic violence, so I apologize that that is exactly what I've gone and done here. Though I don't believe that domestic violence is limited to physical or sexual abuse, this is not that--or at least none of us know enough about the situation to make that call. I'm sorry if my "worst case" scenario brain caused any harm or frustration here.

So for the sake of having to call it something, I'd call this ex's behavior toxic. In that, I still stand by the rest of my post. I disagree somewhat that this situation reads like a run of the mill relationship gone bad--sadly, I don't know of many PTSD breakups that could be labeled that way. Maybe it's just my read of the situation, but the issues and dysfunction seemed to have started long before B.J. confided in that friend, along with many other things that came to light after the breakup (including some weird retaliatory meddling on part of this ex long after the relationship was over.) So I still think it's a bad idea to relativize this sufferer's toxic behavior by pointing out B.J.'s honest mistake as a variable to mitigate it.

But this all may just boil down to our respective supporter/sufferer views on B.J.'s actual mistake. As a supporter, not suffering from PTSD, I obviously "get" what a big deal it is to divulge a diagnosis to a third party, but in the grand scheme of relationships on this planet, it can hardly be called "bad boundaries" or "toxic." At this very moment, there are probably thousands of people confiding in a friend about what their partner did, didn't do, said, feels, how he can't get it up, or is bad in bed, or has Mommy issues, or is so depressed he can't take care of the kids, or cries like a baby when Dirty Dancing comes on. It's all private information. We all confide in those close to us, we need to, we're human. It's not, objectively speaking, a capital offense. So that is the perspective I am coming from as a supporter. With all due respect for a PTSD sufferer's right to privacy, breaching it, as harmful as it may be, is not the same as maliciously meddling, undermining, and keeping toxic ties long after the relationship has ended.

I apologize if this is a long post. And, really, it's not my situation at all, but as a supporter on here, I think it's important to keep things in perspective and try to not be harder on supporters than these situations already are.

 

[anonymous]

He didn't confide in a friend. As I understand it, he spoke to his partner's work supervisor. I would probably break up with my partner if he went to my boss and revealed a mental health diagnosis and suggested ways for my boss to manage me. I would probably see that as maliciously meddling and undermining my career. (I don't have PTSD. Just a fiery temper and if you cross me once that will be the last time.)

 

[EveHarrington]

Thank you for pointing this out, anonymous. I actually completely agree with you. The last thing I want t...

Confiding in a friend is completely different from “confiding” in an employer. Ratting someone out to their boss can result in joblessness, homelessness, and death if the persons career and reputation are tarnished/ruined/destroyed. It’s a VERY VERY VERY serious matter. VERY!

 

[Justmehere]

If a person can walk away from not only a relationship, but also a friendship of several years, then they were never my friend to begin with.

That’s a really high bar. Unless someone is married to me, and has promised “until death do we part” - I assume genuine friends and partners may make the choice to leave, even if we have been together for years. I don’t condition my longer relationships on life long commitment - unless that specific spoken commitment has been made.

I don’t consider a whole relationship to not have been a real friendship at any point in time just because it ended. It’s great to have life long friendships and etc... but I don’t expect it when it’s not a commitment people have made.

To do otherwise would leave me very lonely.

 

[Hojay]

He didn't confide in a friend. As I understand it, he spoke to his partner's work supervisor.

Confiding in a friend is completely different from “confiding” in an employer.

Okay, I think we all just have very different reads on what happened (I mean, it's the internet, what do any of us know really, no? :) ) From what I understood the OP confided in a person who was primarily a friend, but also a work colleague of the sufferer. My interpretation was such that the conversation took place for the OP to find some support as well as provide information that could help the work colleague understand the sufferer's behavior. (For all I know, this person was considering letting the sufferer go before the OP explained what was going on.) Either way, I didn't take away that the OP talked to the sufferer's boss, a complete stranger, to stir some drama.

I don’t consider a whole relationship to not have been a real friendship at any point in time just because it ended.

I agree with this

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Okay, I think we all just have very different reads on what happened (I mean, it's the internet, what do any of us know really, no? :) ) From what I understood the OP confided in a person who was primarily a friend, but also a work colleague of the sufferer. My interpretation was such that the conversation took place for the OP to find some support as well as provide information that could help the work colleague understand the sufferer's behavior. (For all I know, this person was considering letting the sufferer go before the OP explained what was going on.) Either way, I didn't take away that the OP talked to the sufferer's boss, a complete stranger, to stir some drama.


I agree with this

BINGO! I was actually (without knowing any better) trying to save the bastard from potentially losing his job. As stated, it’s the internet; we were the only two involved in this scenario. He’s taught me so much since this has happened: not to trust people too soon; no matter how long you’ve known them, I’m now more aware of mental illnesses, I’m now keeping people at a distance, I’m hardened inside; can’t be easy-going any longer. I’m too hurt to fall in love again! This will NEVER happen to me AGAIN!

 

[Deleted member 44240]

BINGO! I was actually (without knowing any better) trying to save the bastard from potentially losing his...

Thank you so very much @Hojay for who you are.