He Just Showed Up

[Casey_03]

The really screwed up thing is that I only recently started therapy to deal with all his bullshit. I've had probably 4 sessions, and it's really helped me be able to access the anger that I was stuffing down and ignoring. It's also helped me realize what a terrible person this guy is. I have finally begun to see the full scale of his abuse.

 

[Sideways]

So to keep it documented, it becomes "No, please email me so I have time to consider and make arrangements." Then hang up. Lock him into having to email you to communicate. Consistently hanging up after the same message, without engaging him at all, leaves him little choice.

And if he does turn up, perhaps expand it to "No, you can't come in, and if you don't leave I will call the police", and be prepared to follow through. He can tell the police he's the father, but you have the birth certificate.

Toss out polite completely.

 

[shimmerz]

Instead, he keeps trying to trip me up and get me to say something bad.

Yes, and this is where I would say that what Ragdoll mentions is of utmost importance.

"No" is a complete response, don't be afraid to use it.

These types of people rely on getting an emotional response out of their targets. So use very few words at all times. Straight, direct, factual.

 

[Casey_03]

Yes, I wish I had someone around who I could ask to act as a third party in this situation and just call him and explain that he can't do this without notice. Maybe I could pay a lawyer here just to make one phone call.

 

[Friday]

And yet I will feel guilty if I don't let him see the baby.

Feeling guilty doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to do.

Just like the two casual social interactions; Putting yourself & your needs & wants above someone else's, right or wrong, makes you feel guilty. You know what? Sometimes your needs & wants come first. Period. And that's just and fair. Even if what's best for you isn't what's best for everyone else. And even if what you need & want isn't what someone else needs or wants.

Sure, knights in shining armor coming to our rescue, or other people cheerfully looking out for our best interest, or other people not being dicks? Happen. But most of the time? We have to be our own heroes, our own advocates, and our allies.

Priorities.

They're a good thing.

Your first priority, as a mom, is to your child. Your next priority, is to yourself. Stalkery Asshole? Soooooooo far down on the list it's laughable. You are not responsible for him. Full stop.

 

[Ronin]

Plus, all the bullshit he kept trying with forcing you to put his name on the kid's birth certificate, isn't that alone illegal?

Not sure how the law defines manipulation with documents / coercion surrounding them and I wouldn't be too surprised if there's nothing even remotely resembling that, but I'd keep in mind the sum of shit he's doing might very well paint him as a criminal scum he is, even if he relies on 'nothing against me'.

 

[Casey_03]

@Friday Very true. And if his sole intention of this visit was seeing the baby, he should have notified me in advance. The fact that he didn't makes me think he is just trying to screw with me. If I had not been so thrown off by his phone call, I probably would have said we're currently out of town.

 

[shimmerz]

just call him and explain that he can't do this without notice.

Oh, if I could get back the time in my life where I attempted to explain shit to people like this guy.

He gets it Casey. He doesn't need it to be explained to him hon. As a matter of fact he engineered it. And he wants you to explain, to use your energy on it, to beat yourself up and agonize over it.

Don't waste any resources on this guy. Not money, not time, not mental processes.

 

[Casey_03]

Everything he does is meant to demonstrate that he's the one in control. Even now, when I texted and asked why he didn't give me warning, he could've easily responded and said, "Sorry, I should have" or something to that effect, and it would have de-escalated the situation. But instead he chose to ignore my message, because once again, he wants to demonstrate to me that he's in charge and everything he says is what goes. In his world, I don't even have the right to ask that question.

 

[shimmerz]

In his world, I don't even have the right to ask that question.

You shouldn't actually have to ask that question.

 

[Ronin]

because once again, he wants to demonstrate to me that he's in charge and everything he says is what goes.

Ignore & block as much as possible.

He gets none consideration, none of his needs matter.

 

[Friday]

Another way to look at it all along the same lines of the above: If your best and most beloved friend in the entire world hopped on a plane, flew internationally, and showed up at your doorstep without notice? You might drop everything and do whatever it is they want to do. But more likely they'd never ask that of you. They would expect you to have work, and bills to pay, and daycare, and responsibilities that you can't just drop because they show up out of the blue. But, because you love and adore them, you would probably rearrange your life as best you can to make the best of the situation.

Enemies? Don't rate the kind of effort we go to for friends.

- You are not obligated to rearrange your life for this man.

- You are definitely not obligated to go above and beyond what you would even of for a friend... For an enemy.