He Passed The Lie Detector Test

[lisamarie]

The more important thing is that something happened to you. If I were you, I try not to worry too much (easier said than done I know) about what exactly happened, and focus more on what effect it has had on you, and try and heal from those effects. You don't need to know exactly what it was in order to start healing from it.

No, I totally agree, and no offense taken. Valid feedback. Its hard to let go of "investigating" but I am going to have to do it for my own mental sanity!!! Because I have truly been driving myself nuts. In a WAY, it doesn't matter who did it. Like, in terms of my own recovery from this. I KNOW SOMETHING HAPPENED, that isn't the issue. I guess it would be helpful to me mentally to know who did it so I could put a picture to the experience, you know? And like have someone to "blame" and also so that I could publicly take a stand that he is a pedophile and should be kept away from children. (I still know he will never be around MY children.)

I also think many of the comments in this thread regarding your parents possibly being in denial and being manipulative of you have some validity. I would suggest at least taking a break from having contact with them, and see if you feel differently about these things in a few months.

I agree, and I am just going to have to work really, really hard on being assertive and setting a boundary. I think it is best for my mental health to have some distance. My mother is mentally draining on me, and there are some days when I am just too unstable mentally to deal with her crap. And I shouldn't have to. I live outside of her house, she doesn't pay my bills, I don't ask her for anything....and haven't for years and years, like, actually, probably at least five years I haven't asked her for anything. So I can actually do what I want. The dynamic in our relationship (that I have allowed) just doesn't feel that way.

It might make some sense that if your stepfather abused you your mind would want to believe it was a stranger because that would be less traumatic than it being someone who was supposed to protect you. The simplest explanation for that memory is that it was correct, your step father did take part in abuse, and your parents have an interest in denying it. I'm not saying thats absolutely the truth, but its the simplest explanation and I think has the greatest chance of being the truth.]

Yes, I agree. The reverse makes MUCH more sense. Especially since I did love my stepfather as a child. It wasn't as if we had a poor relationship. In contrast, he was the parent who let me do what I want, who bought me extra stuff, who was lenient....like, I wouldn't have had a reason to believe he did that if he didn't.

Thank you so much for your excellent feedback. :)

 

[nimkekaa]

While I was still in contact with my parents though, I could never trust myself to know truth from confusion because I was constantly hearing the manipulative things they would say on a regular basis, and believing

in my gut instincts was complicated because it was all tied up in a desire to believe that couldn't possibly of done those things, they loved me, etc, because I just wanted that stuff to be true so badly.

That describes me exactly. I was not able to truly believe what I knew to be true until I wasn't seeing them because when I saw them I only let myself see the things I wanted to. The good things only.

 

[Philippa]

That describes me exactly. I was not able to truly believe what I knew to be true until I wasn't seeing them because when I saw them I only let myself see the things I wanted to. The good things only.

I just got chastised all the time for NOT only seeing the good stuff. They all think I only see the bad, but that wasn't true. I just didn't pretend the bad wasn't there, so therefore I was 'ugly' and 'negative', when I think I was being well-rounded and not just seeing what I and they wanted me to see.

 

[p-no]

I just got chastised all the time for NOT only seeing the good stuff. They all think I only see the bad, but that wasn't true. I just didn't pretend the bad wasn't there, so therefore I was 'ugly' and 'negative', when I think I was being well-rounded and not just seeing what I and they wanted me to see.

So ditto.

 

[Philippa]

The more I think about it, how can they expect that it would not all evolve to this point, where I no longer have contact with them? Gaslighting me for years and years, hoping that I will just fold and agree with them that I am the problem. I guess they figured I would eventually give in if they all just kept it up...but I never did. I always told them the truth. I would think they'd be happy to see the back of me, for not sustaining their self-deceit and lies all this time.

 

[lisamarie]

I have taken a break from investigating for a couple days. But I just can't let go of what I think happened. Like, I've been trying not to think about THAT part of it but it is very hard. I just can't let a lie detector test determine my sense of the truth, you know?

I specifically asked my mother to give me some "distance" of "a few days"....she has no respect for boundaries, so of course she has already called.

I think one of the craziest parts about all of this is her FLAT OUT DENYING (and sounding like she believes it) that I never went to the school nurse and never laid on the couch with my stepfather naked....I swear that I remember those things.....I don't know if she's in denial about them, repressed the memories, or is (I don't even wanna think this) protecting her own a** because, as someone said to me, it would be very difficult for her to admit that she had evidence of him doing anything wrong because then that makes her a "bad mother" for not having done something about it.

And THIS is why I need distance from my mother.....to figure things out on my own without being coaxed into pitying her....I mean, among other reasons, obviously.

As other people have said, this lie detector was paid for by my mother and stepfather....for all I know, he paid them for a specific result....I mean, I don't know the people that conducted the lie detector....this is just such BS, the whole thing.

 

[p-no]

I specifically asked my mother to give me some "distance" of "a few days"....she has no respect for boundaries, so of course she has already called.

Maybe tell her exactly what you need, i.e. I do not want you to call until I call you. I do not want you to write any letters until at least 25 September, etc. Seriously. Also, when she calls, she really "calls" for you keeping up YOUR boundaries, i.e. tell her straight away that you told her you did not want her to call, write a letter, etc. Better even, do not pick up the phone. You have no obligation to.

I think one of the craziest parts about all of this is her FLAT OUT DENYING (and sounding like she believes it) that I never went to the school nurse and never laid on the couch with my stepfather naked....I swear that I remember those things.....

I think you're warring with yourself there. WE believe you.

And THIS is why I need distance from my mother.....to figure things out on my own without being coaxed into pitying her....I mean, among other reasons, obviously.

You ARE the captain of your own relation-ship with your mother. This is not some into-the-future-when-I'm-doing-better-thing. You already are now. By picking up the receiver when she calls, it is you who steers right into the iceberg. Instead, turn the other way. Make use of you being the captain already and of having the power over your life. I always thought that some time in future, I could, maybe, be the captain, or at least not just the rat on my own (relation)ships. Then I realized only about a year ago, that I always, always have been the captain, whether I liked it or realized it or not.

Thinking of you.

 

[Philippa]

it would be very difficult for her to admit that she had evidence of him doing anything wrong because then that makes her a "bad mother" for not having done something about it.

I hate to be the one to say this, but, this is VERY common in abusive family units...especially if there has been sexual abuse. The mother pretends like nothing happened, because she didn't have the balls at the time to do what she should have done, and gotten her kids away from the abuser, and STAYED AWAY!

No parent wants to admit they are a bad mother or father. Would you if it were you?

 

[Loner]

This doesnt really matter exactly, but just throwing it out there to make a point. Do you have any way of knowing for sure that he even took the test? Could they of just said he did?

 

[lisamarie]

You ARE the captain of your own relation-ship with your mother.

I know this is true but it doesn't feel like it is!!!! I have made huge strides in the past couple years with setting boundaries with my mother, but it is difficult!! Its so much easier to just yeah yeah yeah her to death. If she allows it. Part of the issue with my mother is that she feels that she is entitled to information about my life that she isn't! Like who I spend my time with, what kind of people my friends are, where I go, etc. Its really none of her business and I've tried to let her know that more than ten or twenty times. So now I try to just not answer any of her questions. Its HARD.

 

[lisamarie]

This doesnt really matter exactly, but just throwing it out there to make a point. Do you have any way of knowing for sure that he even took the test? Could they of just said he did?

I mean, I don't know. I have a copy of the lie detector test results with a seal on it. I called the lie detector place and talked to the polygrapher, but they cannot comment on anyone's individual case (which is understandable). I don't know if I have the emotional energy to push the issue (i.e., have my stepfather sign a consent or whatever), and I don't even know if it matters, in that if they paid for the test, maybe they paid for the result. I don't know. This is all so confusing.

 

[p-no]

I know this is true but it doesn't feel like it is!!!!

What got me out of the spiral of abuse (i.e. them abusing me (a. o. by not respecting my boundaries) and me helping them (a. o. by still seeing them despite them crossing my boundaries all the time), was doing it anyways. Seriously. At a certain point in time I needed to "jump", take a leap of faith and hang up on my mother despite not feeling strong but weak, feeling I'd not survive this, I'd not be able to deal with it, etc. Hanging up on my mother the very first time freed me. Then, setting my boundaries and respecting them myself by acting against others crossing them, became a lot easier.

I am not saying you should do the same, especially not while you're having such a rough time. But maybe some day later you can come back to this thread and re-evaluate things and see if that is something that could help you disentangle from your mother. I wish for you to free yourself, I really do. :hug: The hurting, the pain, and the confusion... they can all be history. Your life can be abuse-free. Really. :hug:

Lots of strength to you while dealing with this. It is hard. Looking back though I can see that putting up boundaries and securing them is far less hard than remaining a part of the abuse cycle. I very much wish for you to make this experience. Take good care.