Relationship He Still Calls Me "honey"...

[May1321]

I've spent some time on here sifting through different threads, ones catching my attention here and there, but sticking primarily to my diary.

There is so many titles i can think of for this thread from talking about "eggshells" to "grey area".

My boyfriend and I are technically "not together" ... But we still have a relationship.

As I untangle this mess, work on rebuilding myself, and continue to be there for him... I am starting to realize that because of this "relationship" and the other side of me trying to work on my 'Cement Shoes' so that I can be better for myself and him if he is meant to be in my life, I need to separate the two subjects.

diary for me and ...
relationship discussion for relationship section.

 

[May1321]

This being said....

It's been 3 months since the monster exposed it's teeth and took a big bite out of my boyfriend and I.

He told me when we started dating that he would be the "best boyfriend" I'd ever known. He wanted my love and was willing to wait for it. We've known eachother almost 2 years and huge crushes. When it hit, it was perfect... but he pushed and I had to say "whoa!" a couple of times, which I didn't know how to make it not but it made him feel bad. Finally, he snapped and couldn't handle how much he cared about me and that risk of losing it. He pushed arms length away - kind of took down anything that would remind him of me yet said we were still together. That's when the movement for him to go into therapy started. He spoke with his mom about what he was going through and she told him that it was his PTSD which he had been diagnosed with 5 years ago when he returned home.

We seemed to "date" for another month but he was away most of it in Oregon then Alaska. When he was home, we didn't go out to lunch or dinner any more and it was obvious he was holding me at arms length... he had a lot of negative self talk, and mumbled "I love you" in return to when I said it.

When therapy started and he just dropped off the face of the earth, so to speak, he was told that he needed to spend time alone, which meant not every night holding on to me.

Of course, I went through all the initial reactions of fear and chased after more answers.... primarily from HIM (bad idea).

I finally surrendered to what I could not comprehend from him at that time, came here, got into my own therapy, focused on the "me" stuff I needed to work on, and since then, we seem to be starting to find some sort of rhythm... I don't think I'm numb. And maybe it's the more time I spend working on myself and being alone, the easier it is to handle his rubber band emotions. I know I'm not good at it all the time and I still slip but am learning when to recognize these moments and if you read my diary, know I fight myself over what to do/not to do on a day to day basis.

I've read a couple of comments on the forum that stick in my head...
"drop what you are doing and don't walk - RUN as fast as you can away from each other" ~ something to that effect. Something else was "afraid that leaving or moving on would validate his feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness".

It seems when I try and am most successful not contacting him, he tries harder. I think this is good. I know I can't force him to talk, but he calls on me for validation in what he is doing.

Unfortuantely to run from each other is impossible because we sort of work together. We have to really learn to respect our boundaries within ourselves and for each other.

I believe, and have learned, that one of the reasons he confides in me and trusts me is because of my loyalty. Moving on doesn't necessarily mean I need to 'replace' him... that would totally go against anything I'm working on for myself - for starters. In time I know this may probably have to happen, but by not rushing it, I think we are giving ourselves time still to work through the "us" stuff while working on the "I" stuff.

I think the biggest challenge is separating "him" from my emotions. AND also owning my emotions.

Steps I've been working on the last 2 months since he stopped referring to himself as my "boyfriend"...
1) Have no expectations of what is going to come of this.
2) Accept that as I go through my rebuilding and he his, we may not be the same people who wanted to be together in the beginning.
3) Be grateful for the good days, and even have some respect for the bad days
4) Don't engage (which means once in a while I'm going to slip because I'm still learning his emotional attack modes, and it means recognizing my reactions and working through those to heal myself)
5) Take responsibility for my choices and actions/reactions

We seem to at least text on a daily basis. I'm trying to cut back on this on my end, but when I asked this morning if he would rather me not talk to him at all... if that would help his success, I got mixed asnwers but a pretty big "No" and it "depends on my mood".

I refuse to treat him like he is a sick man, or a weak man. I think, however, this means standing firm in my belief of who he is, but not ever validating his negative self-talk, giving him a reason to have negative self-talk, but never pushing or telling him he "needs" to do something.

I some what have to take that back - the telling him he "needs to do something" part because I've practice and have had to put my foot down on a couple of topics with him and this is how I've approached it...

One situation -
Me: What you've done, though for you your reasons may be valid and it is not my place to question you on what you need to do for you, but you have been dishonest with me and big lie or small, I will not tolerate it in any relationship. Do you feel you want to have some any sort of a relationship/friendship with me now and in the future?
Him: Yes.
Me: Then right now, in this situation, I do not trust you and it's going to take some time for me to get it back but I'm willing to stay open to it as long as you stay honest with me, and I promise to stay honest with you.
Him: I can see where this has hurt you and I'm sorry. This is why I did this....

Since then, he seems to "admit" to me? Confess? If he's not doing what he said he was going to do, he texts me. I'm not sure what this means and I try to keep my responses neutral and my questions short. If I'm going to ask a question that I feel will upset him, I ask his permission to ask a question first. He does this with me, too.

Baby steps, but I'm grateful we are keeping this communication open and practicing it. It's the little things that count, right?

Even though we are "On hold" as he says, and not "Dating", I can't help but think this is the perfect sort of dating and how it should be vs. the roller coaster / fast track train wreck we were headed for.

We see each other through work on occasion. But we've "spent" 3 nights together in the past 6 weeks.

The first time we saw each other when he was ready to talk about his therapy and what is going on, we ended up sleeping together. I started kicking myself and freaking out what that meant. When I wanted to be in that moment just as much. My T reminded me of this. She reminded me that I can't blame him for me kissing him back. But I am responsible for what I'm going to make of it.

We're both 30 years old. Are both divorced from much younger marriages. I know he has a lot to go through but if i can take as much responsibility for my actions as possible, and not let him get away with things that do hurt - such as blaming me for his choices - by stating neutrally how that makes me feel, I feel that we can grow through this, I can continue to be there when he needs the extra encouragement, and our relationship will either blossom as a great friendship or be that much better when it is comfortable enough to want to call it a romantic partnership again.

There is still so much to learn, and many more bridges to cross, I'm sure. But my loyalty is to myself for myself and in some way, however he sees it or not, he reaps some of those benefits too and if that helps him get through these first steps of the healing process, then I can't be anything but grateful that we were in each others lives at the right moment in the right time because look at what we are both now trying to accomplish?! That is something to be thankful for.

 

[May1321]

So I don't forget... Things I need to watch.
Now that we are at this "being honest" spot in this process, and I've got enough pieces to know that he is more responsible for his choices than he admits - ie. parents influence, my influence, therapy, etc.

- When I do catch him in a bad mood... because I am in a good mood and want to talk... he feels "pressure" which is not what I mean to imply but what he takes. Haven't quite figured my way out of this mess. Usually followed by niceness, some times I get an apology for him taking his anger out on me, and next days get a lot of chit chat/"sucking up?". Usually ends up spending time together, he opens up, and one thing leads to another.

- He tells me when he isn't doing what he is supposed to be doing... Last night I got a text that he didn't go to his therapy appointment. vs. scolding, I just kept my questions neutral and to the point. He said he wasn't feeling well which I know he's had a rough few days at work and caught a cold/had the flue a couple of weeks ago. He ended up wanting to spend time with me instead. *Note to self: He's working through what he needs/wants/how he's going to move forward. Not my place to judge or push but DO NOT enable him skipping sessions. It's one thing he started because he wants to have a healthy relationship. I can not be the reason he fails at this. Continue to encourage...

- Tonight. Started texting me asking me what I was up to. I inserted question when his group session/outting was to take place tonight. He said 6 with a sad face text. I sent him a happy, "Good" text stating that that one day closer and one appt less to getting to be HIM. Don't think he's very happy with me right now. Sent another text saying he can call me if he wants to talk after leaving the invite open. But don't expect to hear from him. I haven't given him anything bad. It's not my place to sort this out for him... he needs to do it for him. Do what he wants.

 

[sisu]

May,
I read your threads and you are almost writing my story. My friend "J" and I broke up 3 months ago, but still talk almost daily (sometimes multiple times a day) and see each other from time to time. I also went into therapy for a multitude of reasons, but he was the catalyst to get me there and for that I am thankful. He has combat ptsd from his time in the Army and I have known him for 4 years. We dated for a year when we first met, broke up and never spoke for 2 years and reconnected last May. We have an undeniable connection in every way, however he is not managing his ptsd well. He does a pretty good job most of the time, but only takes meds from the VA and sees his psych doc when it is time for the med check every 3 months. Since I started therapy a few months ago, he has been more open with me about what he is feeling and has realized that it is okay to show me his "dark side" because I have one too. Before he believed that I was "Polly Positive" all the time and he tried to be the person that he thought I deserved. He still struggles with that.

Anyway, we are good friends right now and talk a lot about things we have never talked about before. Not the "us" stuff or anything about the future....but the hardcore "what it feels like to have combat ptsd" and I have found I can tell him anything and he actually likes to be there for me. He likes to feel useful to me emotionally.

It's all confusing and some days I feel really strong and know that this is the right path for me. And other times I am crumbling and asking myself, "why am I allowing this to be my life and I don't want to be alone anymore". I am trying to live day to day, even moment to moment and truly smell the roses along the way. I want to see where this goes...this friendship with the man I love. And the man that loves me. But it IS frustrating sometimes!!

Hugs to you for sharing your story.

 

[May1321]

Sisu,

Thank you for your sharing and comments. I like you am struggling with 'letting it go' and 'working through it'. I know I have to emotionally let the "relationship" go but that is difficult, too. Especially as I'm figuring out that I really DO know what I WANT.

he believed that I was "Polly Positive" all the time and he tried to be the person that he thought I deserved.

I can relate to this. I wonder how much at the beginning was him or not him. I think he's pretty genuine, so I also know he's genuinely being a jerk sometimes trying to show me ugly so I'll essentially run away. I'm finding my best defense is my best offense and just stay as neutral as possible whether he's in his good face or bad face.

he actually likes to be there for me.

Despite all, this never seems to fail. But I'm struggling to not lean on this. He's in my phone for security reasons, but I want to share everything with him - from work stuff, to my new hair color, to my fish died. He's been doing the VA for about 2 months, I believe, and goes at least 3 times a week. I know how bad this stresses him out... I don't know if he's surrendered emotionally to it for himself, just yet... right now he's going because he has to go. So I also know that I can't call on him and add any of my stress (good or bad) to him. And I have to wait for him to be open.

I think you have some great tools to work with and that's exciting! Me for you! :) Maybe by supporting you and then opening up to you, he'll trust or be guided by the person you are being to get himself more help. That's the most I can hope for, for myself, or any of us supporting someone having to go through this.

I'm glad to have met you :)

 

[valdoodle]

Thank you Sisu and May1321 for both your posts. I used to think I was the only one going an irrational combat PTSD relationship. We have been living apart for 1 month now. It is getting easier because he seems to need to contact me as much as I need to hear from him. He txts me, phones and visits me which is more than I expected when he left. He calls me and other significant people he trusted during our 14years his safety net. If I am honest I enjoy being needed and enabling him to be who he needs to be but know I need to look after myself too. I have not quite got to the point where I can say 'no' to him because I don't want to break his trust, let him down or hurt him (tho he has, unintentionally, emotionally almost wrecked me). I like your boundaries May 1321 and think they are the only way for a PTSD relationship to work. We need to establish what works for us. One thing that does puzzle me is he says he left because of the constant arguing. I did not argue but reacted to his hostility. Sometimes it was all wrong for him he would argue in an empty room after a bad night.

We are both doing better for being apart and I like to see him doing so well. When I see him sometimes it upsets me because I have such strong feelings for him. When we say goodbye I want to throw my arms around him for a hug but don't because he doesn't want one. I make him a cake or do something nice for him instead like he used to do for me. I have changed the way I give affection. I understand why he isn't affectionate but wish sometimes he would understand that I am!

((((hugs)))) here instead. :)

 

[May1321]

(((hugs))) back Valdoodle!

I like your boundaries May 1321 and think they are the only way for a PTSD relationship to work. We need to establish what works for us. One thing that does puzzle me is he says he left because of the constant arguing. I did not argue but reacted to his hostility.

I like to think I'm on the right track with my boundary "search" but it is a constant battle within myself, too.

I think this site is very helpful for learning about behaviours. Tommy said when he left that we were arguing a lot, too. I never really saw it as arguing per say but it was those little things that would either catch him off guard, or me. It's confusing, and after being around my brother, it didn't take me too long that his PTSD is probably what was in affect. It's tough to do, and not react, but I'm learning to think quick on my feet when he is argumentative, or going to be hurtful to study the signs and judge my next move. If I don't argue with him, the moment passes. He's fine, and the hurtful things he may say won't come out. Maybe he needs to get the anger out but I just don't believe he's helping himself or us if the anger is just anger and not really releasing "why" he truly is angry.

I'm finding sometimes it isn't even directly directed at me, and that is what I was reacting to... the confusion of it.

The hard part is getting to be your own person... one who desire to be affectionate. I find myself apologizing more than I should ever for the things I do because I want to just share the love I feel at that moment... especially if he doesn't respond :( I don't want him to feel pressure from me for "that"... I just want to share it.

If you are able to show him your love and affection in another way, then I think that is really wonderful. And with time, maybe you can ask for a "hug" because you need one and that would be very nice if he could be on the receiving/giving end :)

((((((more hugs)))))) I'm glad to hear you are getting stronger and I love that we can all share in our experiences to help hold and pull each other up :)

 

[May1321]

As I write this, I think - I shouldn't apologize for my "loving" behaviour.

I respect his space, we text but I let him primarily call when he wants to talk, or see me. And when he wants to see me, he is the one that wants the kiss. He is the one that wants to hold me.

I don't know what is luckier... the fact I get this now and then, or not. It would be easier to 'move on' and not think about him if he didn't do these things, but I do want to be a part of his life.

"why am I allowing this to be my life and I don't want to be alone anymore"

He wants me to move on, he says... but then if I go away with the girls, or go do something fun like see friends at the show, he asks me if I kissed anybody - or calls me his cute nicknames and sends "xo's". I don't think he knows what HE wants completely. And it's frustrating, because it is like having the cake and eating it too. ROAR!

I apologized for texting him when I got home last night. It was really late, but his last words were be safe at "Da Club" (any where I go out be it a concert such as last night, or just to the bar/restaurant behind my apartment is "Da Club" to him... :confused:) "Nigh nigh. xo". So I text him when I got home that "I was home and safe and that I miss him all the time but he can ignore that because I was being silly :) Nigh nigh"

Why should I be sorry for saying this??!! Oye. It doesn't mean that I need him right now, that I can't move on, or anything. I just still do. He's been a really good friend. I understand he may not be the person I even know now - some good, some maybe not so good - once he gets through this, but I shouldn't feel bad for "drunk texting" him something like that, something that happens so rarely, and... well, nothing. It is 'normal' behaviour. I'm not a therapist by any means but changing who I am - the person he 'fell in love' with, the person my friends know and love, etc. would be detrimental, I think, to us - me - and his healing. I honestly believe I will actually end up more alone if I start to change what makes me ME and that is a beautiful, fun, smart, big hearted country rock girl who loves "horrible" art, music anywhere from Texas Country to Hard Rock and Oldies, to my love for wine, helping people, traveling, sunshine, and wild hair days.

So no... I know my days aren't yet complete but I think I really need to own this mentality. GRANTED! It isn't a 'get out of jail free card' in addressing his PTSD... I won't push him to love me back, or say it back, or even tell him everyday just so he can hear it. I know this will push him farther away. But if I am just "me" and sometimes I feel that sunshine bursting from my heart and Tommy pops into my mind and I want to tell him something meaningful, then I shouldn't apologize. WE shouldn't have to apologize for loving these guys in the first place. They asked us to initially - didn't they?

He is sick. With a clogged part of his life that he needs to address. I don't believe there is anything wrong with him wanting to stay home more than go out... I'm getting there - I realize every time I make my concert appearances 'I can live without this' - I don't think all his habits are bad. So I don't want to give him excuses to use the PTSD excuse. This too shall pass... if he wants to get rid of it, he can release and address it and hopefully ease some of the anxiety and depression that consumes him... his biggest battle. God love him... the brat :rolleyes:

 

[May1321]

Exhausting... but major ramble.

It's been an interesting evening/thought provoked sort of day.

Just as therapy can take it out of me, I see it happen in a different way after the VA days for T.

Yesterday was a long day... they are still trying to get him on meds. He apparently fills out a questionaire every time he goes in describing what he feels and how he is doing. Yesterday they even made him watch "Blackhawk Down"... hard movie even for me to watch having known someone in that particular battle :(

They've now officially diagnosed him with "Complex Combat PTSD", OCD, and Paranoia borderline Schizophrenia :(

The meds are supposed to help bring him down 'where most people rate around a 7 and the meds bring them down to a 5 or 6, he's a 10 and they'd help bring him down to a 8 or 9'.. (*please note that I am just repeating this from what he's said).

On that note - Self Discovery - I think I've figured out my 'gutt checks' with him.

I felt last night was good night to reitterate the "HONESTY" mark. >>>As much as I really really want to smack him over the head for the silly lie he told that actually triggers some hurt in me, I have to keep reminding myself that we are technically NOT in "a relationship", and this argument though important to me is irrelevent to what we are doing right now and his healing.<<< But I needed to be sure that if I was saying what I feel (ie. I believe you are a really great person) that he was indeed still held to the standard of what right now is enough for me to know he is a great person, and that is by continuing to respect one of my boundaries.

This question segueyed into the deeper conversation and I realized that in his tendancy to 'get my goat' and avoid actually starting out with the truth in situation (I'm assuming because he's afraid of what I'm going to think) that THAT is when my gutt churns. It's not when he tells me the truth, but I'm feeling a little more confident in my progess of listening to myself and sticking to my guns as I realized that I actually can tell when he is being truthful and/or dishonest. These aren't bad cases, but good to discover as in order to be an allie (and he even mentioned this almost word for word last night) we need to remain honest with each other.

Rereading this - I see this is another reason why it is so important. There are some things he's really struggling with and he looks to me to be his rock.

After hanging up to go to sleep, about a 1/2 hour into my sleep his ring came into my dream land and I realized I missed his call. I called him back, then he called me *wide awake* trying to make me believe I called him in my sleep. Obviously out of it, I just let him talk and he went on to continue the conversation from before and told me about his first relationship after his divorce right when he got back to the U.S. He also explained more about his behaviour and the outcome in that one and the last serious relationship he had. I've heard a bit about the last but never knew there was a serious one inbetween. He related it to us, reitterated what he wants out of this therapy, that I'm the closest thing he has to a girl friend, and questions on why I believe in him.

Today I just felt emotionally exhausted and reading over some of the threads today and comments, am reminded that it is so important to make sure I take care of myself first and foremost. T comes to me for validation - validation from what he's discovering or thinks of himself - what his father says to him - what he perceives. I just down right don't believe any of these things but I can't fight his fight for him... I can only encourage, and remind him of the things I see because he's so stuck in his head and feeling unworthy. Our conversations usually consist of a lot of questions... Questions such as, "well, what do you want? what are you goals for coming out of this? how do you feel about your therapy?" Based on his answers or his mood, my responses are usually the same. I talked to him and told him about what I've read so far in the PTSD Relationship book about meds, and what are safe/ones to watch out for. I was able to share with him some other insight on the VA of soldiers who have worked through the programs.

The biggest thing is I don't think he's opening up. So maybe it's just a little, but I think him feeling safe to talk to me about at least these current feelings and a bit of stories here and there is good progress.

Nicolette posted a thread about "Love not being enough". It really isn't. I love this man but I am still undecided if he is going to choose to be the man I will love down the road. He's still on the fence with this stuff. Though I'm not ready to "move on" for my own reasons, a part of that is for him, too. Right now, I think it would completely break him and we've talked bits about it. I couldn't do that to someone. There is nothing in it for me, so if nothing else, it is a really good excuse to continue strengthening my boundaries and learning to take care of me even in difficult times because this - even though fairly apart - is not easy, watching a loved one - a strong appearing man - fall weak :(

So I'm watching my life really grow in leaps and bounds and some days baby steps. And I truly believe that there is a path for all of us and a 'pot of gold' at the end of one of the roads we choose, but it doesn't come easily. I'm just truly grateful for what I have, for even this man. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him, and I continue to believe that if the pieces I give are full of the respect and love and validation he needs at that moment, that those are pieces that if I continue to take care of myself, will never be without.

Enough rambling for now... going to close up and take my rear for a run in this crazy spring weather!

 

[sisu]

May1321, You and I really are on a similar journey.

so if nothing else, it is a really good excuse to continue strengthening my boundaries and learning to take care of me even in difficult times

The above quote says it all for me....I am working on that in therapy myself. I do have slight co-dependent tendencies and because my parents were very detached I have issues with validation. Most of the time it is hard for me to voice my emotional needs because I was never validated growing up and never validated with my ex-husband (who was a narcissist). I am comfortable voicing my opinion on other things...I am not shy. Just when it comes to my own needs I find it hard. Now with therapy and finding my own "cement shoes" I am able to start voicing my needs. He actually appreciates it and likes feeling useful and helpful instead of being taken care of all the time by me.

We are not together either, but our love has never stopped. And our friendship and trust has only grown. I do not know what the future holds and I am trying to appreciate the "grey" that it is now. I usually prefer black or white (another problem of mine) and have a difficult time with grey. But, really...why does it have to be all or nothing. Why can't grey be okay for now?? I struggle and flip flop daily on this, but I am trying to be okay with grey.

He still thinks he is not good enough for me...says I deserve better then him. I asked him if he really wants to see me with another man. He said that is the problem, no. If he could only see what I see. I guess that is the same for him too....he says if I could only see what he sees in me then I would know he is not good enough. I then asked him if he ever gets tired of pushing me away...he said, yes. Oh...this is so hard sometimes.

Thank you for sharing so much...it is helping me a lot. :)

 

[May1321]

Oooh Sisu - I could quote your whole post!

But, really...why does it have to be all or nothing. Why can't grey be okay for now??

It sounds as though you've been friends for a while and I'm still working into a normal level of that. For instance, last night I told him I'd make him dinner. It was sort of an offering to do something nice with an underlying - "you need to eat". He's been struggling with a complex of being "fat" but then someone mentioned it to me yesterday, and last night he asked me if he looked thin because two people told him he looked like he's lost a lot of weight recently. Now his complex is being too skinny. :eek:

Anyway - sorry, I got off subject - I walked in with my half of the food and he and his brother (who lives next door and also diagnosed with PTSD :eek:) were playing Rock Band. He asked me if I was going to give him kiss... he still "calls me honey" and treats me like his girlfriend! :confused: As we ate dinner, we talked a lot and he said all those things you mentioned above... In fact, a lot of the conversation was about me dating someone else. He said he wanted me to be happy because he loved me. I told him now is just not a good time for me and it's not something I was looking for even with him. The time will come if it is meant to be and we'll just figure it out when we get there.

It's so difficult and I'm proud of myself for standing my ground with myself and my tendancy to react. He told me a couple of girls have asked him out recently through facebook then text. I asked him 'why not?' He told them that he was still exclusive to me and not dating anyone else (I kind of have a feeling who it is :() then deleted and blocked them on FB and didn't respond to their texts. I told him I have a hard time believing all of what he says because he deleted me and blocked me as well... he said that there were more reasons for that. He kept saying we're not dating - which is fine - but then again, I mentioned, this kind of is like dating without the "stigma". I found out that I was his emergency contact at the VA.

When I left him to go home last night, by that time I was pretty furious inside. Partly because he isn't taking his VA appointments seriously. He wants to - on one hand - have a healthy relationship and not so much anxiety - but on the other - doesn't want to talk or feel he can change from his environment. Internally, I was upset because he says he loves me and wants me to be happy and he himself wants a healthy relationship but doesn't want to ask me to wait, and I have to remind myself that it has nothing to do with me though I wish I was enough of a reason to take his appointments seriously.

I was about fed up when I got home and wanted to text him but instead wrote thoughts out in my diary, told myself that I was upset and needed to think about this before reacting, rolled over and went to sleep about 9:45. At 11:30 my phone rang and he asked me multiple questions as he always does, we talked more about what people thought of him up in my office, what I think people see in him, and what I see in him, and relationships. We talked till he felt calm enough to fall asleep. He asked me if it bothered me that he called me when he needed to calm down and fall asleep. Right now, it doesn't, but how long will it not?

Sorry for rambling. I guess maybe in some way I wonder what you are doing in these situations. I think the hardest part is keeping ourselves together and strong. Writing this now - I too hate grey area and wonder how much is bad - but I sometimes feel as though this area 'for me' is pretty black and white. I'm here for him right now, but my path will move on down the road. If he doesn't put the effort into his therapy, there isn't even going to be a chance of "us". I've decided to keep my options open. I talk to other guys... mostly friends and a couple I've dated. I've actually "blocked" T's addresses from contacting me on FB if he decided to change his mind. It's not because I'm doing anything wrong, or dating anyone, or looking to date anyone else, but it's none of his business if I do, just like it is none of my business if he does. It's hard enough just dealing with our conversations sometimes - I don't need to toss the chance of jealousy into that, too :(

Thank you for writing... your posts are helping me, too... ((((hugs)))) if you'll take them :)

 

[sisu]

I will absolutely take hugs! :)

A little background on "J" and me..... I met him for the first time 4 years ago. We dated for a year and he told me immediately that he had combat PTSD, but he showed no symptoms and was very loving. He told me he loved me about 6 weeks after we met. I asked him how he could possibly know that he loved me already....he said that he has seen some terrible things with the wars and if he feels something he says it. He doesn't count on tomorrow so he says it now. We had an amazing relationship until he shut down during an episode. Literally he was fine one day, we were fine one day....and the next day he said I deserved better and that he couldn't do it anymore, and he was gone.

We did not talk, text, email, NOTHING for two years. We both moved forward with our lives and dated other people, he actually lived with a woman for almost a year.

Then early last year I saw him on Facebook and emailed him on there asking him how he was. He responded that he was okay and we talked here and there until mid-May. I was out with a friend last May and we both have iPhones and he logged into FB, so I did too. I saw that "J" had made a comment about going to the Legion. I made a comment about this old guy that was always at the Legion when we were there. And "J" immediately commented, so my friend said "he is online, you should chat". I told my friend that I didn't know how to chat on my phone, and he hit a button and I was on chat with "J". I freaked out....so I typed..."hi dork"....he said "hi, how are you", I said "what is up?"...he said "nothing, I need more excitement"....I said, "I am at this bar, come on up"....he said "okay". I looked at my friend and said..."holy shit he is coming up here". It's a 40 minute drive from where he lives to this bar and it was about 10pm at the time. He arrived about 1045pm, so he must have left immediatley. I saw him and he saw me....and all the feelings were still there. Everything. It was amazing. We dated off and on over the summer and really got serious last September. Everything was fine for us...amazing really...but then in January again he crashed and shut down. At the end of January we broke up and he has been on this "you deserve better" kick. We have never gone a week without talking since the break up. And the last month or so I talk to him almost daily and sometimes multiple times a day.

He has become supportive in my therapy and because he has learned that I am broken too it has opened up our communication and he allows me to see his "dark side" instead of keeping it to himself. I think it is helping him and it is for sure helping me.

I will add more later....gotta get some work done. (((hugs)))