Sexual Assault Healed! But Now Starting Over Because Of Trigger

[dolphin]

I am not sure why I am posting again, other than I have nowhere else to turn. I wrote several nights ago and have received no feedback.

I was raped by a neighbor when I was around 6, he was about 4 years older.

A few nights ago, I was triggered into several flashblacks. These were the most severe I have ever experienced. Now I feel like I have to start over in my healing process. What's the deal! I am so angry. It took me 20 years to put everything behind me without the help of a therapist. I was left with only 2 triggers causing me mild anxiety.

Now everywhere I look, I feel like I am that 6 year old child again with no control over her own life.

 

[Nyx]

I am sorry to say that to me it sounds like you were not healed in the first place. Flashbacks are caused by things we block and refuse to process. Once they are processed, they stop coming back. So if you have unprocessed memories and feeling, that means you have not finished your journey.

Out of curiosity... why did you choose to do it without the help of a professional?

 

[Lucycat]

I am sorry that you are going through this, and clearly hurting right now. However I must agree with Nyx - these memories were not dealt with in their entirety

I have experienced being sent back in time and reliving . I don't mean as the flashback but more, I think, as you describe when you feel like you are stuck and out of control. I could not have got out of that by myself and needed lots of help.

I do hope you will consider seeing a professional this time. I would hope it could be a lot quicker for you to be feeling better again.

 

[dolphin]

I never had a T before now because I keep quiet. I was threatened and did not tell anyone close to me until my twenties. Since I grew up with some contact from my abuser, I had to handle it the best I could to get through each day at school. I called a rape hotline once when I was a teenager and she told me that it was physically impossible for me to be raped at the age of 6. So I shutdown again and didn't talk about it again. Then when I was in my early 20s, I told my mother because a family friend was planning to marry my abuser. She didn't believe me, told me I made it up because she never left me alone as a child. I guess she couldn't handle the guilt because if she would have been there, it couldn't have happened. A year later she called to tell me that the family friend who married him was getting a divorce because of spousal rape but she never offered an apology.

I now have a therapist who I began seeing for coping with a chronic medical illness. I have told her my story but can only see her monthly because of financial difficulties. My husband said something last week that set off this whirlwind of emotions and I cannot see her until the middle of February.

Plus, my husband has been extremely unsupportive. He says that I should not still have problems with this because it was 24 years ago.

 

[SydneyH]

Dolphin, my abuse happened 35 years ago. And I still struggle with it. Disturbing dreams. Urges to be self-abusive. Intense feelings of shame. You are NOT alone in this situation. I'm so sorry for your pain, and for the fact that your husband is not supporting you.

It is great that you have come here. This is a smart and caring community of survivors! They can help you in between sessions. Also, if you can find it, I recommend a book called Overcoming Childhood Trauma, by Helen Kennerley. It has a straightforward and kind tone, along with some good exercises that might be helpful.

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi Dolphin, I'm sorry to hear that you are (still) struggling, but I think it's totally normal for you to be triggered and suffer flashbacks because you have never been 'allowed' to talk through your trauma properly, therefore you haven't been able to move forward, and heal, because your trauma is still locked inside you.

No-one just 'gets over' things like this. Often, we can bury issues, when our brains are not able to deal with it, but it generally comes back to bite us at some point.

I'm really sorry to hear that your husband is unable to support you. I'm sure it is very difficult for him to understand why something from the past would haunt you. I guess no-one can really truly understand, unless they have walked in your shoes. But so many people here have been through similar, that we do understand.

I would say that the majority of members here have suffered child sexual abuse, and the majority of our members are over 18, and in many cases a lot older than that. Yet they are here now, as adults, seeking support from others, because they are still suffering because of sexual abuse in their past. That is no coincidence. It shows that you are far from being alone in how you are feeling, and far from being alone with the reactions you are currently having. Your reactions are completely normal for your circumstances.

I really hope you can help your husband to understand that, because real life support is so important to help you to heal. You clearly have a lot of things you need to talk about, and a lot of memories that you need to process.

While a forum like this can offer great help and support, nothing really beats real life support and therapy. Members here will always offer the best guidance they can, and you might want to think about starting a diary to explore your feelings. If you haven't already, tell your husband about this site - that you are not alone, that it's not as simple as 'get over it'. Show him this post, or others like it. Your reactions are completely normal.

Also bear in mind that we are a small community, so be patient to get responses to your posts. I know it's frustrating, but responses are usually worth waiting for ;)

Regards
CB

 

[miss_isolated]

Plus, my husband has been extremely unsupportive. He says that I should not still have problems with this because it was 24 years ago.

I'm really sorry someone said that to you. I didn't think anyone could/would say something like that to someone. I couldn't handle hearing that. You must be very strong.