Undiagnosed Healing Begins Here...right?

[Beelady]

I came on here the other day desperate for answers that are impossible. (New relationship fail)

Thought I should do this intro part for both what it is and to type it out - which may help me I hope.

My brother, best friend, was killed in 2008 by a guy who was driving on drugs. This guy hit my brother and his fiance head on. Chris died and his fiance is forever changed (blind, brain damaged and partially paralysed). I met Ben during that time. He was an amazing guy and I fell in love. Things moved fast and we bought a home within months. He moved to Maine from NC to be with me. It broke my heart all that he went through as a child. He was very proud he overcame it all and was successful. To everyone else he was a fun, dependable guy. Then I saw another side. Now I know it was a severe multi personality, trust issues and other not so fun stuff. Our psychiatrist was very good handling Ben (if he wasn't Ben would hate him) and worked with us for 3 years. The fast switch in personality was near demonic. He was the best at times and the worst at times. He went through spells of strangling or holding a gun to my head. It was the worst hell however when he was good he was my absolute best friend.

I'm really good at understanding (so I have figured out) and forgiving. Justifying that he didn't mean to do hurtful things....he just hurt so bad himself. And that still makes me feel so sad. I tried to love him unconditionally, to make our home a safe place for him.

Fast forward to 2015, we planned to marry in the summer. Then in February things got weird. In March/April I watched him emotionally destroy himself for 2 weeks. (He was accused of something horrible) I could not leave him alone. I had made an area in my vehicle for him to lay down, I'm self employed and travel so kept him with me. He roller coaster-ed hating me & loving me more intensely than usual.

One night he he tried to shoot himself. I thought for sure he was going to shoot me and instead he held it to his head. But the shell popped out onto the bed and the bullet got stuck in the gun. Major breakdown and thought he began to come back to me emotionally after that. A few days later he asked me if I wanted to run off and get married now instead of wait. Because of our personalities it was actually a great idea. He told me everything I wanted to hear - I fully believed him. He said because I stuck by him and believed him, that I put up with him ...all these things that meant a lot to hear - he did not want to wait, he wanted to marry me. And we took off on a monday night to Vermont. We married April 7 and returned home. He seemed better. He was excited and we were planning fun ways to tell friends/family.

Then April 11 we talked for hours, talked about how he was doing emotionally. He talked about his plans with the gun and how he needs help. We spoke with our psychiatrist and made plans to meet monday (this was saturday). He was losing his patience easily however seemed so much better. Then after supper, we were laughing and had just told a friend we got married...excited to finish a movie and cuddle. Everything was fine when I sat on the couch, He went upstairs and then came down changed. I have limited memory from that point. I was confused as to why and afraid. I put my legs up and all I have next are flashes. He snapped and threw me around, he tore my shirt into 5 pieces, he strangled me... but I don't get why then. And what was he saying? I have no memory just flashes of the intensity, the feeling violated. I stood at the top of the stairs and yelled "You cant do this anymore - we are married" and I looked at him and saw him pull the trigger and go down. He was standing next to me and I never heard the shot. Which is crazy because I would normally wear ear plugs because it is that loud when he target practices with it. From that moment I remember everything. Screaming, not believing what happened....in a sick twisted way I also felt relief. Which I feel guilty about.

Exactly 7 days to the minute of our vows I gave him his last kiss goodbye. He used to tell me he was afraid of dying alone. From the moment the cops let me go back into the home I stayed with him. Then when they allowed me I stayed with him for 2 more days - until I had to kiss him his final kiss.

Walking into a church filled with family and friends after getting married and seeing his urn at the end of the aisle destroyed me. I pretended it didnt happen to get through. I got up and talked, even had people laughing at his service. I made it an amazing service as I did for Chris and my father. I did everything I could for Ben. I do miss him however I know now that there were not too many outcomes possible for us. I don't understand why he didnt shoot me too.

So. Not sure if I have ptsd however I am messed up in my head. I cant concentrate. I just tried a relationship and failed it. I hate this. I hate what is inside of me.

 

[Casey_03]

Anybody who has gone through something like this would be "messed up." It's normal to feel messed up, to not be able to concentrate, etc. To be confused. To feel guilt. You still need to process everything that happened, and I think it's good that you wrote it all out here. It will take you years to truly process all of this, but you need to be patient and loving with yourself. You shouldn't hate yourself. Why hate yourself? You gave Ben more love and warmth than anyone else could have given him; it's not your fault that he had emotional problems. @Beelady I wish you could see what the rest of us see when we see you -- an extremely gentle, loving soul overflowing with kindness, more kindness than is normal for most human beings. We don't see a person who should be hated or who has done anything wrong. Do you have a T to talk to? I think it could really help you. I was in a similar relationship. It was my first relationship. It was a codependent relationship and I was always trying to save the guy from himself. He had attempted suicide a few times and ultimately he did try to kill me. It was terrifying and I was in shock for years afterwards- years. Couldn't even talk about it until recently. But in my case, nobody died right in front of me and the physical wounds he gave me healed. I imagine it would have been much harder for me if he had taken his own life in this fit of rage. But either way, it's something I am still processing nearly 10 years later. So please, don't beat yourself up and hate yourself, everything you are experiencing is normal, because you are temporarily broken. And you need to love yourself enough to fix yourself now. Yes, it may take years and it will be very difficult and painful. But if you could give so much love to Ben, try to do the same for yourself now.

 

[Beelady]

Its tough being alone. Ben was constantly with me even when away from home (we have 7 cameras in the house he could watch and I always had to wear a blu tooth so he could hear me when away - hear my conversations etc. I have a real hard time being alone. I starting dating Tim in November and I have been doing really well. (Off course that went to hell the other day).

What do I do now? Should I talk to my dr and get on some med to help me deal. I go in and out of hating life and now that Tim wants nothing to do with me it is really difficult to see myself ever get better. I don't want to be here and be alone and fighting with my head. I am 41 and wanted so bad to be a good wife. I hate Ben at times and I hate how my life is turning out.

 

[Casey_03]

I think you should definitely start by talking to a therapist and arranging consistent sessions. I would recommend several a week if it's possible, but I guess it is really up to a doctor to decide. Medication may help, but I think the bigger issue here is being alone. You have to learn to be alone, as much as you hate it and how hard it is. No offense, but both your relationship with Ben and your more recent relationship with Tim -- neither of those relationships were healthy. They were both deeply codependent, from what you have written here. (And I don't say this to judge, but as someone who went through this before). There is a reason why you wound up in these relationships to begin with, meaning there is some issue you need to deal with that is even deeper than what happened with Ben. Until you can figure out what that is, and be okay with being alone, you aren't in a good place to be in a relationship. It seems like maybe your need to not be alone is a way of avoiding something -- were there earlier traumas in your life, in childhood? Did something bad happen to you before Ben? Only you can answer these questions. But the main thing is that you start asking them. In the meantime, try to get your emotions out -- write, paint, draw, do something creative just for the hell of it. Or better yet, read some books on codependent relationships and trauma -- it may help you see things more clearly. And hey, we are always here to listen when you need to vent.

 

[Beelady]

I see a therapist however can only afford one time a week. I would go daily if I could :( wehat is great is he knew Ben, talked with him the day he died. He knows me so I don't have to explain everything. He said in 30 years he never saw a case like ours and he went to a state supervisory board for help and they recommended he didnt work with us - too risky, That makes me laugh for some twisted reason. I am glad he worked with us and I can see him weekly when I can afford it.

I appreciate you all being here and listening and offering advice. I really really appreciate it :) I wish I could get whisked away in the fairy tale romance Tim started with me however even in it I knew it was too good to be true :(

My plan is to work on myself for 1 week and hope Tim calls to explain more. If he does I will be starting on becoming a better person (such as making the house mine and not Ben and mys house) and if Tim doesnt communicate then I will go one more week. I'm hoping when he does - if he does - I can show him a healthier side of me

 

[intothelight]

@Beelady Welcome to the forum!

One thing that you will have to change is your belief that somehow you "cause" things to happen. The only person you have control over and are responsible for controlling is you, and no one has the right to try to exert control over you whether they attempt that mentally, physically or emotionally. If there is a domestic violence support group near you, try to attend as the support can be helpful. I also hope you find this forum helpful.

 

[Mytime]

You are a woman of pure strength. But you don't seem to see it. You are alive because of you. Not because of Ben or Tim. Because of you. I know it's hard to hear but those relationships were unhealthy. And you know within yourself that they where. You seem to be looking for love and that is understandable. But you need to love yourself first to have the love your looking for. No matter how hard you try you can't make someone love you or stay with you. You are Worth more than that. I hope you take the time and find your true self. Not the person people see, not the person the voice inside your head said you are. The person inside of you,your strength comes from that person. We all see parts of her here in your words. But you need to find her. And from what I see she is strong,caring,loving and full of life. You have the ability to look inside yourself . You can't change what you don't knowledge. Take time and build a relationship with you. Then maybe you'll find someone who would be lucky to have your love. Wishing you all the best

 

[BlueOrange]

I feel shocked and disoriented from reading that story - living it would have to be far worse. Just... wow. Those are some traumatic events, that's for sure!

It sounds like you did dissociate during the severe events on the weekend - as you're aware, a lot of PTSD sufferers dissociated during the traumatic event. Less publicized is the fact that lots of not-PTSD people dissociate during extreme traumatic events. The difference is whether the psychic wound caused by the traumatic event heals over the next period of time, or whether it 'gets infected' (as it were). If there was ever someone who did all the right things in terms of dealing with a psychic injury like this, then you sound like that person.

The good thing is that the fundamentals are the same for everybody. Work on your stuff. Accept responsibility for your own actions. You are not responsible for the actions of other people, although recognizing your influence is desirable. Influence is limited, and full control of other people is only possible by abusing them - we rule that option out.

 

[Beelady]

I've been looking for articles on dissociation. Trying to understand both Tim and I. I read it though and have to read it again. My brain is just not working lately.

 

[BlueOrange]

My brain is just not working lately.

Be gentle with it. If you'd been beaten within an inch of your life, nobody would expect you to do much in the way of weightlifting. Your mind has taken a pretty severe beating - it's going to need time and help before you can work it as hard as you normally would.

 

[Beelady]

Does anyone recommend books or sites on this? or am I just looking for excuses to as why I acted that way the other night? I really dont know what to believe.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Oh my f*cking god... Thats a lot of stuff

Welcome and I hope this place helps you, your tortured brain with all the events :hug: