Heavy Shame And Trauma

[shamo3]

Hey guys. First post here and just hoping for some help or ideas on where to go from here.

To make a long story short, I made a massive mistake at my footy club about 3 years ago and slept with a teammates girlfriend. It was after our last game of the year and everyone was completely wasted on alcohol and drugs. In all honesty it was her fault a lot more than mine and she basically stalked me to my house where it ended up happening. I feel so horrible about it and could not believe it the next day. I've never done anything like that and I've always been a moral, stand up person.

I apologised to my teammate a million times and in time he forgive me and understood it was more her doing than mine. But I cannot describe the feelings of shame and guilt that still remain 3 years later. It was such a traumatic/embarrassing thing to go through. Everyone found out and I had a lot of people judge me and say horrible things about me. I take responsibility for it but it's still horrible to go through. Publicly humiliating yourself like that and having a 1 off mess up. It's completely changed the person I am. I used to be confident and full of self esteem. But I lost it all after that and the thoughts and memories of the event just circle around and around in my head.

One of the main things I hate is the fact that it's part of my reputation now. I'm the guy that slept with his friend's GF. And whenever people think of me, they'll remember that incident. I know people aren't sitting there thinking about what I did and have their own lives, but no one forgets a f*ck up that big and when I catch up with people from my old team I feel like the incident is just hovering there between us. I feel like people who I respected are now always going to look down on me for that low act. I can't seem to just let it go into the past and become a new person now. The feelings that linger make it too hard. I dream about going back to the person I once was. But there's nothing I can ever do to change it.

Has anyone done something really poor and managed to put it behind them and feel good about themselves again? I'd love to hear how you did it.

 

[Mim28]

I think many people feel shame for the things that we have done that do not reflect what we believe is our true nature. We want to believe we are above those things. They are things other people do. First we have to admit we are human and flawed. We have to do our best to seek forgiveness or provide restitution for what we've done. But in order to be our best and happy selves we need to forgive ourselves. Staying in the past and beating ourselves up doesn't help us grow and heal. The thoughts will come as go. Let them but focus on the things you do to be a good person. One bad action doesn't define your whole life. I don't know if this helps but I hope you feel better about yourself so you can be your best self.

 

[shamo3]

Thank you for the kind words Mim. I do know that I'm human and flawed. But I also know that I could have gone through this life without hurting another like I did. Many people do and I guess I just really wanted to be one of those people. I hate hurting people and am always nice to everyone. I just don't know if I'm ever going to get my self esteem back as the public embarrassment was a lot for me. I need to somehow get to a place where I can forgive myself and where it doesn't hurt anymore to have that mistake on my record. Though it seems a long way off.

 

[ladee]

Try not to defeat yourself before you even get started.
It may happen sooner than you think if you make it a goal, a priority . if you spend as much time healing and working on self forgiveness as you have on beating yourself up...You might be amazed with the outcome.
We are just a bunch of spiritual beings trying to make sense of out our humaness.

 

[Jadie Rose]

Can't even count how MANY things I've done to embarrass myself these past decades in front of SO MANY. Hang in there!

 

[Friday]

Are you f*cking kidding me? You stuck your dick in crazy, and screwed over a friend in the process, and are embarrassed about it. Good. That's a proper thing to be ashamed of. Learn your lesson, take your licks, and don't do it, again.

But thinking that somehow reaches the level PTSD-Level Trauma?

Mate that doesn't even blip the f*cking radar on terrible things I've done, seen, or been through.

 

[joeylittle]

I just don't know if I'm ever going to get my self esteem back as the public embarrassment was a lot for me. I need to somehow get to a place where I can forgive myself and where it doesn't hurt anymore to have that mistake on my record. Though it seems a long way off.

Look into CBT - cognitive behavioral therapy. Also, Mindfulness - specifically the concepts about non-judgement and neutrality.

It's a big thing, sure, but you will be able to work through it. Most therapists would probably be able to help you. You most likely do not have PTSD, unless there is some kind of major trauma in your past.