Held Hostage In Relationship

[anonymous]

@Junebug
I know that, I had good relationships before.

 

[Suzetig]

She even had a suicide attempt when I started talking less to her.

This is not your responsibility. It's a sign that she is unwell and unable to keep herself safe and honestly, if she wants to end her life, being in a relationship with you wont be enough to stop that happening. I know that sounds harsh but for you to continue in a relationship because she might harm herself gives her a control over you that is unhealthy and risks your own wellbeing.

 

[anonymous]

@Suzetig

Thank you for the reality check and the other advice

I am gonna try to think out what further steps to take, but definitely gonna be a tricky thing

 

[Tinyflame]

Do you both have ptsd? Because maybe something else is going on? I can only say (for me) it's horrible for anyone else to know about Suic'dl Ideat'n or things, because I don't want them to remember I said it, 'think' of it. But then that's the conundrum, with asking for help/ making a crisis plan. It becomes better to hide it. But it's sure no one else's responsibility.

I haven't self-harmed for decades, never cut, but sure as heck hid it. Or explained it s something else.

It would have killed me/ would kill me to drop such stuff on anyone. Plus, -yuck. :(

Is this your wife? Can you get a counsellor? Get your own T if she won't.

As a 'sufferer' & sort of 'supporter', I get it. But it just is unbearable as a sufferer. I mean the stress.

 

[anonymous]

She doesn't have diagnosed PTSD, for now.

Not my wife, which makes it a bit easier. Just a girlfriend, for now. I'm afraid of having myself locked into such a relationship with the lack of support

I mean, would be a lot easier to care about her if I was being adequately supported. That is the main reason I feel hostage. There is not much support for me, and I'm quite unhapy lately.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't mean to sound callous-----

But what if something does happen?

Will you go into a tailspin?

Will your healing be set back-----perhaps by years?

Yes, she was recently raped and that upsets the balance, but it isn't fair to you to play her therapist since she isn't getting proper professional help.

 

[anonymous]

@EverHarrington
Well, actually... To be honest.

Might be easier that way. You know how often the suspense, the fear of something happening, is much more straining than something actually happening. Just a thought.

She will be having some meetings with a psychiatrist soon. Hopefully

 

[scout86]

Now that I've thought about it, I've been in 2 relationships where the guy threatened suicide if I left, either overtly or implied. I left, and they didn't, if that helps any. The one guy, I really wasn't worried about. He thought WAY too much of himself to ever really hurt himself. He just knew me well enough to know that sort of thing, feeling responsible for EVERYONE is my deal. The other guy...... That was a little more complicated. But, he very quickly moved on to another relationship. Remarkably quickly, considering he "couldn't live without me". Some people just use this stuff all the time. If they can't use it on you, they'll find someone else. I don't know that's true with this woman. But, people who pose a risk to themselves and others CAN be hospitalized........ Does she have any family? You might be able to give someone who's responsible and cares about her a heads up before you leave.

Good luck! You have my sympathy. That situation sucks. :(

 

[Sideways]

"Next time you threaten to kill yourself, I'm going to call an ambulance."

And if she tests you on that, go right ahead.

 

[Justmehere]

This sounds more like Borderline Personality Disorder type of behavior than PTSD alone. Only a doctor or therapist who evaluated her can say for sure.

It's really good she is going to see a doctor, and it's probably going to take some time for her symptoms and behaviors to improve. Is she open to therapy?

The book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is a great resource to help navigate situations like this.

When you are ready to leave, you can call a crisis line at any time and tell them of your concerns and fears and let them, the trained professionals, figure out what needs to be done, or not, to keep her safe and get her help. The more you can let go of it being your responsibility, and reach out for help navigating any self injury it auicidal behaviors, the more the proper professionals can step in. And hopefully the sooner she will accept that help.

In the meantime, any ways you can begin to set boundaries may help you eventually build up the courage to get of the relationship. You may feel bad and worried before, during, and after breaking up with her, and this sounds weird - but expect that to happen as part of the process of pulling away from someone who is in this place, and when it happens, don't take it as a sign you are doing the wrong thing, but just a sign that sometimes the right things to do are really hard.

If she texts you pictures of self injury to try to get you to stay, tell her you need her to stop sending them to you or you will block her number, and then actually carry it out if/when she pushes the boundary.

Right now, if you can't leave her for your well being, consider doing it for her. She is probably acting out in this relationship as part of her way of avoiding getting help and facing the pain she is in, The sooner she can't use this relationship and can't use you to try to regulate her deep pain, the sooner she will hopefully reach out to help to learn healthy ways to manage her pain and regulate her emotions. By staying with her, and not claiming your right to your own boundaries, it's possibly enabling her to stay stuck in this behavior. She may push back in boundaries, but you can keep claiming your voice. It's ok to say no, stop, enough. It's healthy - for BOTH of you - for you to own what you need and to set the boundaries that you need.

 

[The Albatross]

Anonymous, come back to "...I feel like my basic needs, both safety-wise, and communication, and support and some others, are not being met... And that is disabling".

How long ago was the rape/what is recently?
What was the state of relationship prior to her sexual assault?
Were you're needs being met before then?
Were there other behaviors prior to the rape that were problematic?

I do think that you've done pretty well at framing your thoughts and feelings about your relational situation when you say, "I guess I'm simply not brave enough to cut the cord, I can sorta imagine it as situation in which I'm hanging off a cliff, on a too weak cord, and she is the one under me on the cord, and basically, the cord cannot handle us both, and I have a knife and the option to cut the rope under me, but I cannot muster the courage to do it" - and - " I'm afraid of having myself locked into such a relationship with the lack of support".

Personally though I would re-examine this thought, because it's sort of loaded: "I mean, would be a lot easier to care about her if I was being adequately supported. That is the main reason I feel hostage. There is not much support for me, and I'm quite unhapy lately."

 

[Tinyflame]

I think @The Albatross is 100% on the money.

Also, not actually sure in retrospect what you meant by your feelings of safety, & needs (not) met, in regards to post her-rape? :confused: