Held Hostage In Relationship

[anonymous]

@Junebug
Well, sorta the fact that in the relationship, I do not see her at all as the go-to person for support, while she sees me as a go to person for support.

Feelings of safety and needs not met.... Well, it isn't specifically post rape, it is just that post rape I am being needed as support more than before, which means aditional strain, in comparation to relatonship before that when it wasnt as much of a strain in me supporting her.

To answer @The Albatross in the same sentence, the rape happened a couple months ago, and she isn't really showing much of what I'd see as symptoms of PTSD, but that is still for a psychiatrist to determine.

Thankfully, she is sorta open to theraphy, but also has the general problem with being partially in denial about a lot of stuff. That might be possible to work through with theraphy.

The state of our relationship before the sexual assault was the sort when I was already wanting out partially, and wasn't particularly interested, but didn't get out soon enough. And then, boom... Rape. That type of situation. Relationship partially cemented with the rape happening.

Problematic behaviours... Hmm, well, some quite terrible coping skills. Shoppingholic, thankfully not of me expense, self harm, body dysmorphia leading to disordered eating and completely ignoring common sense.

My god, what was I thinking.

The thought you said to re-examine, yes, might be useful to state she often expresses jealousy of me having people other than her in my life, like, the sort of bad possesiveness, and other people are the main element of my support, but it's been hard to keep in contact with them lately, that being a cut off of support.


@Justmehere

Actually, the mentioning of BPD does bring me back to thoughts of another similar ex. but also worse... Well, I got out much sooner there. Badly co-dependent would be a good descriptive term for that one. Pushing me to mainly ignore my own health and boundaries, and my overly people pleasing and caring personality sorta enabling that behaviour, as making a mess and doing stuff to pull attention, well, means I devote a lot of my time and care to the person... Uhh, tough stuff to sift through

@Ragdoll Circus
But the paperwork! :P

Hmm, yea, been thinking of that often, but sorta hard to pull some of the harsher moves

@scout86
Definitely can relate to that.

Ever get the feel you are overly trusting and caring? Because, yes, as you mentioned, they might be just using the same set on anyone, but, really, is it necessarily so. That is what is keeping me from a bland cut off... I don't want another death on my soul. Especially not this close

 

[Tinyflame]

Anonymous disregard if not helpful, or if I'm misunderstanding, but no it's not your soul that is responsible; you can say I'm worried about you but I'm not able to provide the support or help you need and I will have to call 911.

It's inappropriate for her to dictate your choices; it's also not really caring to pretend like you are interested in her if not. She may not try to dictate your choices if you are clear it's ended. Seems she's possibly under the impression you are together exclusively, when you're not really intending that. You both deserve someone who loves you, not who is 'stuck' with you. Also, PTS is not PTSD (thankfully).

Well, sorta the fact that in the relationship, I do not see her at all as the go-to person for support, while she sees me as a go to person for support.

Are you the same gender? Many men identify with providing support more readily than receiving it? Of course in any relationship it's rarely 50-50; usually unequally divided but shifting, ie 30-70, 70-30, etc.. Though of course with ptsd we take more often than we give.

Good luck. :hug:

 

[scout86]

OP, I definitely wonder about my role in those relationships. Caring about people is something I do. I don't want to change that. But I'm trying to learn to do it in better ways. The last guy came and went so many times I lost count. I kept letting him move back because I was worried about him and felt bad that he seemed so unable to make his own way in the world. When I finally said "enough", he was engaged to someone else and then married in a few months. Who knew? But I think I get how you feel.

 

[Sideways]

Hard to pull off. Sure. But appropriate? Absolutely.

It's not your job to keep her alive. She needs to know that. You need to know that.

Calling an ambulance when someone threatens to kill themself is actually a very caring and entirely appropriate response. Whether she's serious or can be talked down is between her and the doctors at the other end.

Same deal with self harm. "You cut yourself again and need medical treatment, I'm going to call an ambulance."

You don't argue with her about it. The second it comes into play, conversation stops, and you call an ambulance.

That's you being the one person in this relationship that is behaving like a responsible adult. Serious self injury and suicide are a big deal. So rreat them that way, even if she doesn't. Stop being manipulated, and hand the problem over to a psychiatrist, which is where it needs to be.

Sounds complicated. But it doesn't need to be. You just stop, pick up the phone, and behave appropriately.

 

[Justmehere]

OP, my heart really goes out to you. Getting untangled from situations like this is really tough and I can tell you are very worried for her. Respectfully, I want to challenge you to rethink what is and isn't under your control and power.

I think you are beginning to put a little too much blame on her for your choice to stay in the relationship.

She is 100% responsible for her behavior, not you. You are 100% responsible for your behavior, not her.

I'm going to use a very personal example to maybe help make my point. My roommate died of suicide. I won't go into details - but I can say this, it was not my fault. Not my responsibility. His death is horrible and tragic and yet is also not my responsibility. I was terribly close to him, knew he was suicidal, several people did, and we did try to help. In the end, we could not overpower him or his depression. His death isn't our fault. If I could have stopped him, I would have... But even when I have been in my own sucidial places, my actions were still not the responsibility of anyone but me.

If she does die, it's absolutely not your fault or responsibility. You don't have that power to stop her. I wish you did because I know you would stop her, but the painful truth is that as supporters (and I'm a fellow supporter who is also a sufferer) it's not within our power to stop sufferers from coping in terrible ways.

If she needs someone to overpower her choices - there are professionals to do that. It's not you. You can reach out to them but you can't take her power or choice or *responsibility* from her.

I say this because it's so painfully clear how much anguish you are in, how much you really don't want her to die? and it's really important to remember what we do and do not have power over even in this situation, and maybe especially in this kind of situation. It's also important because you do actually have some power and control in the situation; over you and your choices. You are not actually in a hostage situation. You have freedom and choices now. You may not have in the past during trauma, but you do now.

While you are giving up your power to her regarding your choice to stay or go, you are also taking on what isn't actually in your power and control.... and I encourage you to think through what you need to take back your power. Not just in this situation, but in others as well.

You are not bound to her because of her trauma. You are free to leave. You can make the choice to stay, but it's a choice. (Unless she is really holding you hostage, in which case you need to call the police.... )

I have be traumatized and sucidial and that trauma and sucidiality does not make anyone bound to me with no choice or power to leave in the way you describe it. (Trauma bonding is a real thing that happens between victim and perp, and iimportant for people to break that kind of bond and reclaim their freedom. To remember what is within our power.)

This is a tough and complicated situation, but it is not one where you are powerless. It is a situation where the person you have responsibility and power over is you, and only you. This is a painful thing to accept, but it's an important fact that applies to the vast majority of relationships. You can only control you. That's it.

 

[EveHarrington]

Please read this. If it's not available for whatever reason, please let me know and I'll find a better link.

http://www.thecruxmovie.com/pdf/TheBridgeShortStory.pdf

 

[Friday]

The moment someone threatens to kill anyone if I don't do what they want? I'm gone. It doesn't matter whether they threaten to kill my child, a stranger, my dog, myself, themselves... They play that card, that they would even think to play that card, they've lost me. Forever. Period. I do not f*ck around.

That's a completely different thing than someone I love or care about struggling with ideation.
That's a completely different thing than someone I love or care about attempting suicide.

 

[anonymous]

@Junebug
No, we are not the same gender.

I'm working on untangling the issue, but also busy with work past days.

@scout86
I understand such stuff, been through similar before. :(

@FridayJones
Hmm, you say a completely different thing... But really, one doesn't have to directly say something, and that blurs the line a bit.
At least for me

@EveHarrington
Gonna read as soon as I get home

@Justmehere
Thank you for clearing some stuff out, and no, it is not a full on hostage situation, rather just the psychological deal.

But still, might be sorta easy to say it is not my fault, but I stil feel like it would be, as are others who died. I am responsible for my own decisions, and if those decisions proove to be wrong, I'm partially responsible for someone's death.

 

[Ronin]

But really, one doesn't have to directly say something, and that blurs the line a bit.

Anon, dear, just because the lines are blurred isn't a reason to give them a pass.

It's all the more reasons to back the hell off, because they tend to blur lines on purpose like that.

 

[digger]

I am responsible for my own decisions, and if those decisions proove to be wrong, I'm partially responsible for someone's death.

Sometimes, the responsible decision is to put boundaries in place, this would not just be for your benefit in this instance but hers too. If you can't meet her needs, going along with her believing that you can is not doing either of you any favours and could be more dangerous than acknowledging that you can't. Sometimes the responsible decision comes from recognising that you can't give the person what they need in terms of help and support and guiding them towards those who can. Being there for someone only on their terms is not necessarily what they need and is not necessarily going to lead to the best outcome for them.

Edit to add - also if she (and you) are minors, I would urge you to get some adults involved in this.

 

[Changing4Best]

I had a manipulative boyfriend that denied me the right to speak to or be friends with anyone else but him. He was abusive and that is both physically and mentally. I attempted suicide to get out of the relationship. We were also homeless and I begged for money in the streets to support us. He did nothing but collect Disability Insurance (as did I) but it was not enough for us to live on. I was in therapy at the time. I did not tell a soul about my plans to commit suicide. I planned it for 4 months. I took 4 months worth of my medicines. I was unconscious for ten days afterward, then spent my mandatory 3 days in the mental ward. No real help there. Those that threaten suicide or do self harming publicly and and such, are not the ones that usually commit suicide. It is the silent inwardly acting ones that you have to worry about. My therapist told me this afterwards.

What finally helped was leaving said boyfriend. I had tried to do so 16 time unsuccessfully before I finally succeeded. He would either sweet talk me or threaten me back into his life (or both). He never threatened suicide. He loved himself too much for that, as another has said here about another person they were in a relationship with.

The jealousy thing is just another form of manipulation. Don't buy it! It ruins your life. Your life is being ruined by all this as it is. Think of your needs, not hers. You need help now, and her needs have to take second place in your life. As others have said, you are not responsible for her thoughts or her life. Period. You are responsible for YOUR LIFE AND THOUGHTS ONLY. Not hers.