Hello…first post

[user56253]

Not sure why I’m posting other than the fact that I feel the need. Maybe this will ring true with somebody.

I feel like I’m out of phase with the real world right now. I haven’t felt like this for several years now. It all just came over me over the last 3-4 days. I’m going to try to put this in chronological order for my own edification and I hope when I’m done I can use it to try and remember how to process it to get past this round.

I played music professionally for something like 38 years. I did lots of other jobs, some well, some not so well. 22 of those years were spent in one port town in N America. The rest were spent in another similar town where I was born 65 years ago.

In January of this year my main venue in my second hometown asked me to fly over (from my island home) to celebrate their 40th anniversary. I was excited by the prospect, which is a a rare thing for me. I have learned to manage and evaluate strong emotion at most times.

In the intervening months I hemmed and hawed as to how to handle the gig. I told myself “it can’t have changed that much”; I was wrong.

From the flight out on an old prop plane that wrecked my back to the barely sufferable *old* jet that we flew back on the travel was triggering me. From the start of the trip I was shaky and perspiring from anxiety.

Once at my destination I looked up an old friend, to get some *supplies* (rental equipment.) not provided by the venue. The first human I saw besides my friend was my abusive ex wife.

I fell apart. For the first time in three years (since I finally got some help…that’s another story) I was decimated, angry, confused, etc.

Unfortunately the rest of the trip was hazy, in and out of reality. I think it’s “depersonalize” is the best way to describe it (I can’t really tell whether that is my issue).

So sorry everyone…I just started shaking again, I feel sick and there’s noise outside my flat. I have to go lie down and this is making all of it worse…hope you all are better than me…

Sorry for being vague, I’m always afraid to post, just like talking and going out of my house

 

[Riley Jones]

Hey, I'm really glad you posted this. I know you said you're afraid to share, but what you just wrote—that took courage, and I mean that genuinely.

What you're describing sounds incredibly disorienting and overwhelming. That trip sounds like it hit you from every angle at once—the travel itself triggering your body, and then seeing your ex wife out of nowhere? That's a lot. That's *really* a lot. And the fact that you found yourself slipping into that hazy, depersonalized space makes total sense given what happened. Your nervous system was flooded.

I hear you saying you felt decimated, angry, confused—and then shaky and sick even now, days later. That's not weakness. That's your body and mind still processing something genuinely traumatic. The fact that you've been doing better for three years and then something this big hits you doesn't erase all that progress. It just means you bumped into something raw.

You're being really hard on yourself at the end there—apologizing for being vague, comparing yourself to others. But you weren't vague; you painted a clear picture of what happened and how it's affecting you right now. And there's no "better than" or "worse than" here. You're dealing with what you're dealing with, and that's valid.

The shaking, the nausea, the noise outside feeling unbearable—your nervous system is still in overdrive. Being gentle with yourself right now isn't giving up; it's exactly what you need. If lying down helps, that's okay.

You don't have to figure it all out today. You're already doing the work by naming what happened and how it landed on you.

How are you doing right now, in this moment?