Other Hello All.

[chestypuller]

I have a feeling im suffereing from PTSD, im afraid to tell anyone as i dont want to have be put in a group and restricted in my freedoms, but i havent been able to concentrate for years, or sleep well unless im completly exhausted, i dont like to be around people and always have conflicts if i have neighbors, im almost feel physical pain to say i love you to people i love, it seems as time goes buy i have conflicts with everyone i meet even people im related to, and have no friends, they stopped comming to visit me years ago. im always taking things apart and not putting them back togeather, like walls in the house, vehicles, i feel as if im creating a type of my own kaos to distract myself or maybe its some kinda of way my brains telling me somethings not right.

anyhow im here because i wasent sure and wanted to know if im just a jerk or if i really am having something going on.

It all started when i was younger i believe, i was living with my dad and stepmother, my dad was a truckdriver and gone all the time, and my stepmother was abusive to me some but not allot physically, she would make stories up and my dad would come home once a month or so and i would be punished for them, anyhow i found she was using drugs and sleeping with a guy she said was her cousin when i was in the house and my dad was gone, one day before i graduated highschool she took me down to the Marine Corp recruiter and had me sign up ( i wanted to go to itt tech but she wanted me gone ) untill i graduated and was sent off to bootcamp she would offer me liquor and make me work on this guys vehicle. ( i wasent a partier type kid i was a computer type kid and stayed at home all the time )

When i was in the Marines she sold or somehow got rid of all my things, i was deployed into the desert shield / storm as a combat engineer. we were fearing for our lives allot of the time under chemical scud air strike warnings, don our mop gear and hiding in a bunker waiting with our weapons to come out fighting, one Marine would be required to take their mask off to test the air to see if it was safe afterwards anyhow this was in the middle of the night all the time.. i lived in fear almost all the time deployed. the first steps off the c130 we were being shot at from long distances. ive seen several scuds being blown up by hawk missiles at night above us. ive seen helocopters crash by us. several several things. not to mention after all the stuff was said and done we got to clean up depleted uranium shells from the death highway before we left back to usa with our hands. several other missions in the middle of the night with seals and such later on after d sheild.storm also that i didnt know where we were going or had been. i tell people and it seems almost like im lying to them because i dont know all the facts of where we were or anything.

anyhow sorry for the terrible grammer and going on to long i have so much to tell but dont wanna go overboard.

i have such a hard time around people when i talk to them i cannot concentrate on the conversation.. this is my latest problem, everyone calls me weird. so that must be a sign.i dont know, i have had 2 women leave me from long term relationships without even a note also. one came back and i married her and have 2 kids with her. we had a still born last year, and i have her pregnant again now.

Im a stay at home dad because i cannot trust anyone with these kids lives. im very fearful something will happen to them if im not their main caregiver. one started school this year. im ok with that.

I know i have allot to be thankful for, but sometimes i have thoughts of ending my life, its really strange as i think about hanging myself from the roof in our polebarn at times, or shooting myself to get it over with quick. but in reality i know i could never do these things as i have these people to protect. but am afraid these feelings might get worse. im afraid of my self i guess you could call it.

im so confused and know i need to figure out whats going on to fix anything.

 

[Wounded Scribe]

Hello. Welcome to the community. I wish you nothing but the very best in life. I hope that you will find the help, and the answers to your questions. I know, there are many vets here that will be able to relate to you. Thank you, for taking the time to share your story, your grammar was fine. I read every word of your story, and you inspired me. Blessings to you, and your family today.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Welcome,

None of us are able to diagnose you, but from reading your story, yes, I do think it is likely!

My best advice would be to go see a professional, who will be able to sort out what is going on.

I wish you all the best!

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Hello and welcome to the forum. Sending Laurie UK-:hug:s if you accept them.

 

[TLight]

You have been through a lot and didn't seem to receive much respect or real caring in your childhood. I guess the first step in healing is acknowledging those things as not trivial, but impactful, and you are still here......contributing to others an you are a caring person, even though the irritability and depression seem to make that a struggle at times.

Thanks for being here. As far as the suicidal stuff.....well, YUP. I live with it pretty much ever day. I think a lot of people do, not just sufferers of ptsd. It shows what a real man you are for acknowledging your feelings.
And you DID serve and protect out of love for yourself and others. Keep reminding yourself how incredible you are when those thoughts come.

 

[StarChild]

Hi @chestypuller, no one of us here can diagnose you. It's a job, only a professional can and should do. And assumptions won't help you in any way, to get proper help. So the most reasonable thing for you to do now, would be, to go to a professional (psychiatrist) who's specialised, and get a proper diagnosis. But be aware, that the diagnosis could be something else than PTSD just as well. But that's not the main point...

The main point is, that you would get the proper diagnosis and you could start with a treatment. And this means, you would work with the right tools just for you, to get better. Good luck to you!

 

[Friday]

<grin> We've got em right where we want em, now, boys! We can shoot in any direction!!!

Welcome, CP.

Being a SAHP (stay at home parent) was one of the things that moderated my symptoms down to almost nothing, and bonus, I got to put the symptoms I hadn't sorted to work. ADHD kids (my son & his cousins when I was a kinship provider for them, all 3 ADHD) are on 24/7 accidental suicide watch for years. Add in having daily & hourly missions, adventures to be had, teaching emotional monitoring & regulation (hello toddler for whom I totally understand exactly how you feel and why. Why yes. We are both going on timeout.), always being 'on', gradually increased levels of responsibility, research and application of skill, needing to suck it up for someone else's sake, et cetera... Being a SAHP was only second to being in the field for applying a big fat band-aid on my own issues.

Similar, no problem sending them off to XYZ, because it protects no one to keep them in a sheltered little bubble... All vulnerable and unable to protect themselves. We did preschool & K, then homeschooled... But even the homeschooling I only taught maybe 20%. The rest was outsourced. Because part of protecting them was teaching them how to interact with other kids and adults, (and how to report back ;) ), in addition to making best use of my resources at hand.

Can't tell ya if you've got PTSD or not... Personally I have PTSD and am an asshole. Shrug. But that's me.

I "can't" get counseling from the VA or VetCenters... Because my paranoia kicks up into the stratusphere. You'd have to shoot me outside the ER to get me to willingly walk my happy ass through those doors at the VA. Tried a VetCenter, and I'm ever so slightly better there. Instead of the full body flail panic attack, it's the puking and shaking in the parking lot for a few hours, and jaw wired shut can't say shit once I'm inside. Vexing. VetCenters are separate from the VA / don't even report word one to them... And have good people there. So there's an option for you if the VA elicits an "Oh hell, no!" response. 3rd option is private. Pay out of pocket if you don't want it on your insurance. But if you don't change anything, nothing changes. Want change, you'll need to work for it. It's long, hard, frustrating, and painful. But doable.

Again, welcome.
Semper Fidelis

 

[Nighthawk]

Welcome to the forum