Undiagnosed Hello! Any Advice For A Newcomer Please?

[Georgia-]

Hello :) My name is Georgia and I'm 19 years old. I am a new member so hopefully I'm doing this right. Honestly I'm not entirely sure what is wrong with me. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder when I was 16 by my councilor.

I was raped of my virginity three weeks after I had turned 15 and I didn't tell anyone. I was made fun of because of it by my friends who thought it was consensual, as my attacker was a peer. I had developed my anxiety by this point and I was having panic attacks every day before school. I had no idea what was going on but my attendance was slipping and my parents only yelled at me for it, which doesn't help mid-panic attack. By the time I had graduated (in the UK we finish school at 16 and have the option to go onto further education, usually at a seperate school until we're 18) I had lost all my friends a failed my exams.

I had several suicide attempts before breaking down and telling my mother that I needed help. She is an alcoholic and extremely abusive when she's drunk, but I only had the courage to ask for help when she was. Because of this, she always forgot (or acted like she had) by the morning so it took several months to get her to understand. I didn't feel safe trusting my mother because whenever I have confided in her in the past, she has used it against me as a means to humiliate me.

I had an appointment with my GP and I was terrified. She was completely unsympathetic and said that if it was rape, she would have to contact the police and get my parents involved and i had no say on the matter because I was under 18. This sent me into panic mode so I denied that it was rape even though I'm guessing my crying kinda gave it away. Anyway she raised her eyebrows and booked me an appointment with a councilor.

I was so scared of my councilor saying the same thing and my parents being angry at me and not believing me that I didn't tell anyone what had happened again, I just said I wasn't ready. She diagnosed me with anxiety and closed my case. After a few months of being alone I made a couple friends, who are now all in university. I had a toxic 14 month relationship with an extremely manipulative man which I just got out of in August.

I completely neglect myself and deny myself basic things because I simply feel that I don't deserve them. I have no friends around anymore and no hobbies and I never ever go outside. All I think about is what happened and I constantly find myself questioning everything I did that day absentmindedly. Though the panic attacks stopped for a while, they're becoming more frequent but they mainly happen at night, apposed to when they would usually occur if I had to leave the house alone. I spend 90% of my day in bed and I have so absolutely no motivation.

I really don't know what to do. I feel like I'm losing my mind, I'm constantly daydreaming because I have nothing else to do. I'm scared to go back to my GP because I don't think they will believe me if I say it was rape now, and I'm scared she and my councilor won't care since they seemed reluctant to help the first time around. I really don't know what is going on though :( sometimes I feel like my brain is going to explode if I don't tell anyone but at the same time I don't feel like I have anyone to truly trust.

Thank you for reading, any comments or anything are really really appreciated ♥

 

[Lost Pup]

Hi Georgia.

I was also sexually assaulted when I was a little boy and I can relate to so very many of the things you have written here. I know what it feels like to be caught up in the dark mix of loneliness, mistrust and anxiety you describe. It is so, so painful when you want to reach out so much and yet don't really have anyone to trust. It sounds very anxiety-provoking for you to consider going back to the GP or councilor. Perhaps there are alternatives? I am sure there are resources out there to help you find another therapist or support figure. Hopefully someone more knowledgable will come along after me and post some links. In the meantime, please take any solace or comfort or hope you can in the knowing that you are not alone, at all. There are many, many good people who've had similar experiences and gotten through them ok.

Best.

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

Georgia,

Reading what you wrote was like reading about myself at your age. I was also sexually assaulted, more than once, and developed all of the symptoms you are struggling with now. I also had an abusive home environment and a mother who didn't understand/blamed me, an alcoholic father, and the people who were supposed to be "helping me" (most of whom didn't know as I didn't feel safe enough to tell) but when it finally did come out, the response (or lack of one) did more harm than good, and just traumatized me further.

I was also alone with no friends, and got whatever little support I could from the internet. This is a really good place with a lot of really good people, so it's a good start. It's really hard to heal with no support and having to deal with the opposite of a good support system on top of that. I can't tell you what is best for you, but I can tell you that for me, banging my head against a wall trying to heal (because I was so desperate to feel better) for years with people who couldn't or wouldn't care one way or the other what happened to me--and that because of their reactions I couldn't trust--did me more harm than good. I eventually (about age 20) finally found a counsellor I could trust and started on my healing journey.

It makes a world of difference, believe me. I thought that those people were all that was available, but I discovered that there were people out there who really could help, did care, and believed me and listened to how I felt. Since then as I've gone along I've found many--via support groups (which I also had terrible experiences with when it was through the people I felt I couldn't trust--turns out I was right not to trust them, or open up), and although I had to weed out a few bad ones and go through what felt like an endless line of terrible ones for years--I've had 2 very good ones now that understand trauma, and take it seriously.

Trust your instincts would be my advice, keep reaching out, and keep looking. Don't give up. There are people out there who really do care, and can help you along the way. And yes, it does get better (healing from the assault)... I used to wonder that, back then. I'm still affected, still working on it--but I've come a long way, and it's a lot better than when I was where you are right now. You will find friends here that will never laugh at you or belittle your experience--rape is rape, it doesn't matter if it was date rape with someone your own age or not. This is not your fault. And, although I am sorry to say it, what you are experiencing is pretty normal, for what you've gone through.

P.S. There is a sister site to this one (created & run by the same people) at http:// that is specific to people who have experienced sexual abuse and is another source of support in addition to my ptsd. There is also (on both this and the other site) a function where you can create your own journal to start to work through what happened to you and how you feel, and people will sometimes leave you feedback on your journal as well, which can be really validating and I've never had anyone be anything other than completely supportive. I have found it very useful to have somewhere safe to work out my feelings when I have no one to talk to and I'm going through a lot.

I hope this helps you a little... Just to know you're not alone, and... The facilitator at a group I am in currently put it this way (sexual abuse survivors group) when we were having a discussion about "normal" people, vs "people who have experienced sexual abuse"...

Here is her explanation:

"Someone was in a very bad accident and got hit by a car. They got hurt very badly in the accident. After it happened, they had a pretty bad limp when they walked." Then her question was: "Is it "not normal" for this person to be walking with a limp?"

My answer was, "Not for someone who had been in a car accident."

"Exactly." she said.

xx
Phoenix

 

[Georgia-]

Thank you both so much for sharing. I wasn't sure if I was posting in the right place or if I wouldn't be taken as seriously as others who seem to have it so much worse than I, but I think I've been downplaying my problems to convince myself there's nothing wrong.

Hopefully this doesn't come across the wrong way but it is such a relief to know I'm not alone. Seeing other people admit to having similar or identical issues and are able to work though them just reinforces the fact that I do need help.

Pup, I have been considering seeing a private therapist but they're super pricey, and even then I'll probably need a GP referral. A really sweet neighbour of mine owns a non profit charity shop and she said that I'm more than welcome to volunteer, so I've been considering that. Even if it was only once a week I think it would be a nice distraction and it'd probably make me feel a lot better. Or perhaps I could book another appointment and make sure it's with a different doctor.

Phoenix, thank you for the website, I'll definitely check it out. I think a journal could really benefit me since I really struggle to articulate how I'm feeling. I have read though a few posts and I can already tell this is a very open-minded and supportive community.

Again - thank you both so much, your words have already been a huge weight off my shoulders and a massive reassurance :) hope you're both doing well.

 

[macca]

Hi Georgia - welcome to the forum! This forum is amazing, it's a safe place, and supportive. I hope you can find a way to see a therapist, but until then, seeing a different GP sounds like a good idea. I hope you continue to feel less alone - you deserve to feel cared about.

 

[jd9900]

@Georgia-

Welcome to the Forum! I hope you find it as helpful as I have the past few weeks. This site really has been a most welcome addition in my arsenal of tools when it comes to dealing with my PTSD, and being here has already shown some immediate results in my behaviors. Honestly I think it is just refreshing to know that these feelings I have, I see in so many of you guys as well. I read about the successes and failures, and feel a certain kinship that - well - gives me hope. We've all made it this far, all of us. That has to say something.

I am sorry about your experiences regarding your doctors. Things like that make it very difficult to trust the medical profession for me, based on personal experience. It takes every ounce of my being to open up to a relative stranger like that, and to have it thrown back into my face in any way, when I am that emotionally exposed, usually results in a very negative reaction on my part.

It's something I am working on - something that with a lot of practice and patience I am able to cope with better, but it still is not great. As a result of the trauma I suffered, about the worst thing in the world I can feel now is betrayal - I can let everything else slide but if I feel betrayed I will instinctively want to leave and never look back.

I hope in the near future you can find a therapist that works well with you. I found that was very helpful for me.

After you read this, try to do something nice for yourself. As small as you want it to be. Make it something fun, or a chore - just sweep the bathroom or something. Eat some veggies. ;) Look in the mirror and smile - even if it's fake. It'll be real soon enough, and you deserve to remember what it looks like.

Thanks for sharing what you did, and welcome. :)

 

[intothelight]

Hi Georgia,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

I don't know if you had received a diagnosis of PTSD or not, but it is important to seek counseling as what you are experiencing is definitely limiting your life. I hope you find the information and support here helpful as you work on healing.

Take care.

Debbie