Hi,
I've been living with chronic PTSD for over ten years now. I have it as a result of an abusive marriage. It was five years, but for a year and a half in the middle he was a meth addict and he went from controlling and emotionally abusive to a monster.
The man beat and raped me, but mostly the abuse was never ending psychological torture. I lived in terror and I believed that at any moment he was going to kill me, himself, or someone else. He told me I belonged to him and he would kill me before he would lose me and I believed him. More than once I thought my life was ending, only to wake up after and find out I was still alive. I also watched him try to kill himself once, and another time he made me believe that he had killed himself.
He raged and blamed me for everything. I was young and felt worthless and he convinced me I was. He made me hate myself. He held me prisoner and wouldn't allow me to be alone with other people or use the phone. I escaped a lot and suffered badly for both the failed attempts and the successful ones. I was so messed up by that time that everyone I knew seemed horrified and no one understood. I fell into the meth addiction with him and everyone blamed me for my own dilemma, thinking that all the psychological damage done by him was self-inflicted by drug use. I couldn't speak to people and when I tried it came out as mumbles and I screamed all night when I tried to sleep every night. People I did try to turn to were either hostile, fearful, or saw me as a lost cause, and I always ended up going back because I hated myself and there seemed to be no one to turn to and I wasn't sure I didn't deserve it anyway.
Eventually we quit the drugs and we tried to make it work, but he was still mean and angry and controlling, it just changed to seething sarcasm, constant criticism, and intense anger if I went anywhere alone or talked to anyone. I left after we had a child. I was not going to let my son see me live like that, no matter what I felt I deserved, and I certainly wasn't going to let my child grow up in that home.
Now, I'm a decade down the road from the end of the abuse, and every day is a struggle. I feel like no one understands, and while I am now doing very well considering, I still suffer so badly. I've managed to graduate with a master's in psychology, a bachelor's in It, and an associate's in accoutning. I have owned my own business for five years, and I've raised my son alone. I kept a roof over our head and food on the table. My son is brilliant and well adjusted, despite my short comings.
I had a baby and remarried in the last year, but I feel as alone as ever. I am lucky enough to experience joy and happiness, and a lot of it. I like who I am. In fact, I love who I am. But I fear I will never be well. My mind is broken and I still scream in the night. I hide in the dark shaking and crying and talking to myself sometimes and no one gets it. No one even really knows. I tell people now. I used to hide it all and no one knew; I was so very isolated.
I talk to people now, but they don't hear what I am saying. They look at me and say, at least you're better now. But I'm not. I probably never will be. I love my life and I am so passionate about so many things, but just like so many of you, I battle horrible depressions and I think of death as a friend that someday I will be lucky enough to see. Sometimes it's worse and I want to die now.
I have learned to function through the feeling that someone is going to kill me any moment. I can go to work like that most times. Not always. Not when I'm shaking on the floor and I'm lost to madness again. Those moments always come back and I feel like my life is a dream. I feel like thinking I made it out of that life that destroyed me is a dream and I'm really stuck in that hell forever. I know it isn't true, but at the same time I know that I may never be free of it.
I have a full life, but I'm psychologically crippled and it's invisible and it's terrible. Every single day takes everything I've got. I came to this site, because I realized that no matter how alone I feel, I'm not the only one.
I've been living with chronic PTSD for over ten years now. I have it as a result of an abusive marriage. It was five years, but for a year and a half in the middle he was a meth addict and he went from controlling and emotionally abusive to a monster.
The man beat and raped me, but mostly the abuse was never ending psychological torture. I lived in terror and I believed that at any moment he was going to kill me, himself, or someone else. He told me I belonged to him and he would kill me before he would lose me and I believed him. More than once I thought my life was ending, only to wake up after and find out I was still alive. I also watched him try to kill himself once, and another time he made me believe that he had killed himself.
He raged and blamed me for everything. I was young and felt worthless and he convinced me I was. He made me hate myself. He held me prisoner and wouldn't allow me to be alone with other people or use the phone. I escaped a lot and suffered badly for both the failed attempts and the successful ones. I was so messed up by that time that everyone I knew seemed horrified and no one understood. I fell into the meth addiction with him and everyone blamed me for my own dilemma, thinking that all the psychological damage done by him was self-inflicted by drug use. I couldn't speak to people and when I tried it came out as mumbles and I screamed all night when I tried to sleep every night. People I did try to turn to were either hostile, fearful, or saw me as a lost cause, and I always ended up going back because I hated myself and there seemed to be no one to turn to and I wasn't sure I didn't deserve it anyway.
Eventually we quit the drugs and we tried to make it work, but he was still mean and angry and controlling, it just changed to seething sarcasm, constant criticism, and intense anger if I went anywhere alone or talked to anyone. I left after we had a child. I was not going to let my son see me live like that, no matter what I felt I deserved, and I certainly wasn't going to let my child grow up in that home.
Now, I'm a decade down the road from the end of the abuse, and every day is a struggle. I feel like no one understands, and while I am now doing very well considering, I still suffer so badly. I've managed to graduate with a master's in psychology, a bachelor's in It, and an associate's in accoutning. I have owned my own business for five years, and I've raised my son alone. I kept a roof over our head and food on the table. My son is brilliant and well adjusted, despite my short comings.
I had a baby and remarried in the last year, but I feel as alone as ever. I am lucky enough to experience joy and happiness, and a lot of it. I like who I am. In fact, I love who I am. But I fear I will never be well. My mind is broken and I still scream in the night. I hide in the dark shaking and crying and talking to myself sometimes and no one gets it. No one even really knows. I tell people now. I used to hide it all and no one knew; I was so very isolated.
I talk to people now, but they don't hear what I am saying. They look at me and say, at least you're better now. But I'm not. I probably never will be. I love my life and I am so passionate about so many things, but just like so many of you, I battle horrible depressions and I think of death as a friend that someday I will be lucky enough to see. Sometimes it's worse and I want to die now.
I have learned to function through the feeling that someone is going to kill me any moment. I can go to work like that most times. Not always. Not when I'm shaking on the floor and I'm lost to madness again. Those moments always come back and I feel like my life is a dream. I feel like thinking I made it out of that life that destroyed me is a dream and I'm really stuck in that hell forever. I know it isn't true, but at the same time I know that I may never be free of it.
I have a full life, but I'm psychologically crippled and it's invisible and it's terrible. Every single day takes everything I've got. I came to this site, because I realized that no matter how alone I feel, I'm not the only one.
