Hello - Forced Sexual Acts

[RubyNicole]

Hi-
Im brand new here. I am twenty years old and my parents divorced before I was one. There was a constant custody battle for the first 10 years of my life. From the point they divorced I had visitation with my father till I was ten. At 10 my mom and I moved out of the state and my father did not contest this and as a result he made monthly visits. Before I turned 11 I told he I didn't want to see him anymore and although he made a scene when I told him this he complied and I have not seen him since.

Because of the custody battle I was constantly evaluated by shrinks. I've seen a therapist on and off (mostly on) since I was 2. It was common knowledge I hated my father with a passion. I was also violent (typically biting, scratching and pulling hair), mainly towards my older brother who was 7 years my senior. To my knowledge no one had proof of abuse (although that becomes a sticky issue that can be discussed another time).

When I was 15 I entered into an abusive romantic relationship. Sexual acts were forced. After we finally broke up, a year and a half later, I began to suspect that I may have been sexually abused by my father. There is no question about physical and emotional abuse. He absolutely did those things. He was also neglectful when he was drunk. At this point if I had to guess if sexual abuse occurred I would say yes. I have nightmares, fears, memories, anger, relationship issues, legal documents, female family members (on his side) with issues and academic interests that point to that, but all of those are non-descript or just feelings. I have no hard evidence or clear memory that sexual abuse occurred. I am in therapy.

For the most part I am a happy, healthy, functioning student. I graduated high school with honors, attend college studying psychology, have a strong relationship with my mom, and have a wonderful boyfriend of 2 years that knows who I am and still loves me. Despite all of that the issue of sexual abuse is ever present in my mind. It sometimes interferes with my relationship with my boyfriend, my school work, and sleep (which in turn interferes more with the boyfriend and school issues).

Thanks for listening (or I guess reading :) )!

 

[KrisMC]

Hi RubyNicole, I am new here also. Not sure if this helps any, but I didn't remember my father raping me at 6 years old until I was kidnapped and raped when I was 18. Then flashbacks of my father started happening and I found out the truth. I also did hypnotic therapy to get to the rest of it and that helped also although it was extremely painful to have the memories relived.

Another thing is that my daughter was raped by her father as a baby. She experiences similar things as you do although she no longer remembers anything. We have both been through years of therapy, which has helped both of us trememdously.

Not saying that your father did this, but since you are not sure and are still dealing with a lot of symptoms, my suggestion would be to get some counseling. I also think that feelings of any abuse and abandonment could trigger these symptoms also. It never hurts to get help and with the furthering of trauma you experienced in your relationship it would make even more sense.

My counselor called it the "domino effect" wherein I had multiple traumas causing further complications with my mental health and my life choices.

I am 40 now and started getting counseling at about your age. I think it helped me tremendously. I am not 100%, nor do I ever think I will be but I am say about 50% better than I was before...which is quite an improvement. Always here to talk if you need to.

Best wishes - Kristin

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi Ruby,

Welcome to the forum.

It sounds like you have had a lot to deal with and that you have coped very well. However you say that you now have issues with your boyfriend, school and sleep, because of the sexual abuse you have suffered. I don't know whether you have any help at the moment, but I suggest that you get some, before these issues start to affect who you are and your future.

There is loads of information here, so have a good read around, but I suggest (from my own experiences), that you cannot do this on your own, and the sooner you get a therapist who can help you explore the abuse and the affects that it has had on you, the better.

Take care,
CB

 

[RubyNicole]

Hi!
Thanks for writing. I am in therapy now. I started about 9 months ago. I get frusterated because it feels so slow. Alot of times I wish I could just dedicate a number of weeks, or the summer and just go into intensive daily therapy and be able to walk out cured. I guess things like this can't be approached that way and I need to accept that healing will happen on its own schedule.

 

[KrisMC]

From what I can understand, it takes awhile to heal and each person has a different schedule. It does seem very slow which is actually a good thing since it takes awhile for a person to process trauma and learn new coping skills. As much as I would love for it to be so, there is no quick and easy way to work through this. I have been in group, individual and intensive therapy and still none of them provided a quick recovery. However, they were all very helpful. In group, I learned that I was not alone and gained valuable insight from others' experiences. In intensive as well as individual therapy, I gained coping skills, a safe place to deal with my traumas and was able to really focus on my needs and goals. Intensive didn't really speed up the process for me but I was able to focus better in an environment that made it easier to not dwell on the daily stresses of living as well as recovery (usually I was in a state of crisis when I had intensive). I am not sure of what is best for you, only you and your counselor can discuss and decide.

I am very happy to hear that you are in counseling. That is wonderful news. It is tough to be patient, but you have started on the right path.