Hi. I totally relate to what you're saying, but my suggestion is likely different from what you'll normally hear. When I was feeling suicidal, no suggestions I found anywhere worked. What worked is when I allowed myself to feel the depth of the pain, scream and cry and visualize (do whatever is natural to you at that moment) but simultaneously listen for what the mind+body were needing --- and I realized what I was really needing was proof that someone with CPTSD really can recover, survive and THRIVE and therefore life is worth hanging on too. When I was at my lowest point, I found a testemonial of someone who had recovered, and she described her memory of being suicidal, and mentioned how suicidality is how the body is reexperiencing the real magnitude of the abuse/trauma that occurred in the past, all the while trying to release it. Something about that clicked with me. I recall wanting cut myself, realizing that something is trying to come out, so instead of actually cutting or killing myself, I will get everything out. I will TALK it out, I will CRY it out, SCREAM and PUNCH it out. One day I had an experience where I let out a cry so powerful, it was a full body experience, like my entire body was sobbing, shaking, convulsing. And it was the best thing that has ever happened to me in my recovery process. So much got out in a matter of minutes, day later I KNEW I had just stepped up to a higher level of recovery, and for the first time, I had full confidence that I can get through this CPTSD and I will succeed and go on to live a happy life. Feeling suicidal was my body's way of trying to get a whole lot OUT. And it worked. So I recommend trying to stay "split-brain" - let your brain feel the suicidality and dark emotions, but let the other part of your brain ask yourself "why is this happening, what do I really need right now?" and go do that instead.
