simplekindofgirl
Platinum Member
Welcome to the forum. I have read some of your husbands posts- and I am personally very glad to meet you.
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Hello, I'm Paranoid10's Wife
- Post starter ParanoidsWife
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- #14
ParanoidsWife
Bronze Member
Yes, Lifeguard, a supportive spouse, I'm sure can make all the difference. I do try to take time for myself. Everyone needs their own time to just be.
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- #15
ParanoidsWife
Bronze Member
Thanks, SKoG! : )
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- #16
ParanoidsWife
Bronze Member
Hi Amethist and thanks! SAHW&M means Stay-At-Home-Wife-and-Mother. (You aren't being too nosy.) : )
Marie E.
Diamond Member
Glad to have you here ParanoidsWife!
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- #18
ParanoidsWife
Bronze Member
Thanks, Marie!
Eleanor
Diamond Member
Welcome from this corner too! I am most grateful to have "both" sides of the conversation! How old are your kids? if you don't mind my asking. I have a five year old, and I worry a lot about how she is making sense of "Daddy's episodes" and why he is "mean to mommy" sometimes. He has just started seeing a therapist - but I think is still coming to grips with how "out there" he is sometimes, and how hurtful it is to her and me. He is committed to getting help, and we are committed to each other, but this whole path seems so... perilous. And I am a fairly risk averse person in these respects. Drama is NOT my favorite thing... Anyway, if you (or anybody else) have thoughts about how to help kids, I'd appreciate the input!
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- #21
ParanoidsWife
Bronze Member
Thanks, a3a2!!
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- #22
ParanoidsWife
Bronze Member
Hi Eleanor - It's very nice to meet you and yes, I have dealt with that aspect of it for almost 8 years now. Our son is now almost 12 and our daughter is about to turn 8. DH came home from his first tour in Iraq when she was 6 weeks old. The whole deployment and being separated from daddy was hard for our son. I would try to reassure him the best I could and try to explain to him in ways he could understand, where daddy was. It's hard for me to go there as to this day I remember him sitting in the backseat of the car crying because "I lost my daddy and I can't find him!" - anyway . . . When DH started showing the first signs of PTSD, our son was pretty scared. I need to point out that my husband wasn't mean to me or the kids at that point. He was more emotional, hypervigilant, hallucinating, even.
The second time back from Iraq was a little more intense and the deployment more emotional for our son. As soon as I started to see that he was having problems, I took him to a children's counselor who came highly recommended. He stayed in counseling for a couple of months and then was fine especially since we were going home to visit family for the summer. After the second deployment, my husband got a little more mean to the kids as far as treating them like he was their drill sergeant. Well, let me tell you, that didn't go over well with me. I would get up in his face and tell him to back off and that our kids were not his soldiers. He would see where he went wrong and apologize to the kids and tell them that he loved them. Sooooo, you can imagine the intense moments we had. There were times, though, that I was really scared and thought I'd have to leave. It's really hard to try and keep a semblance of normalcy with your kids when you are so worried about what your husband is going to do! I hate that whole eggshell feeling! I won't go in to more detail but make sure that the kids have a great counselor that can help explain PTSD to them and reassure them that it not their fault, that they didn't do anything wrong, daddy's sick and trying to get better and we're trying to help him, etc.
You know, PTSD really changes everyone forever. Our son, especially, has grown up too quickly. He watches after his dad when he's having a bad day - like taking our daughter to his bedroom and watching a movie with her till daddy calms down. Now, these episodes have gotten a lot better and the kids are "used" to them and are not as scared of them as before. (They are not directed at the kids - all anxiety and panic attacks the likes I have never seen in such severity in my life! - almost like catatonic)
Here's the last thing that I want to point out . . . The absolute worse time anything happened, me and the kids had to run from the house, down the street to a neighbor's house in fear of our lives. That was a turning point for me about PTSD. I was angry and pissed off that this was how our lives were going. When DH came back from the last tour, we had a loooong talk about what happens when he goes into a rage. The thing that I told him was that somewhere (and I'm not sure where that it is for him) there is a line that is crossed when they are getting anxious and distressed and where they can no longer control themselves. I told my husband that he better learn where that line was because that situation was NEVER to happen again. I think our saving grace was that we loved and were committed to each other and have a strong faith and maybe he knew I would follow through on what I said.
All that to say . . . get a great child counselor! ;) My children loved their visits to "Miss Beverly". Be your daughter's protector and her comforter. Let your husband apologize when he needs to and love on her. Let him be "daddy" as much as possible.
I commend you both for taking up the fight! It's not an easy path for any of you but who wants to go back to the way things were before?! I told my husband once after he started the medboard process that I am glad that I don't live inside his head. It kind of shocked him and I think offended him but I meant it as a compliment that I wasn't sure if I could be strong enough to handle what he's done and seen and not be locked away somewhere. Such strength and courage it takes for our men to fight for themselves like that! I am so proud of him!!!
The second time back from Iraq was a little more intense and the deployment more emotional for our son. As soon as I started to see that he was having problems, I took him to a children's counselor who came highly recommended. He stayed in counseling for a couple of months and then was fine especially since we were going home to visit family for the summer. After the second deployment, my husband got a little more mean to the kids as far as treating them like he was their drill sergeant. Well, let me tell you, that didn't go over well with me. I would get up in his face and tell him to back off and that our kids were not his soldiers. He would see where he went wrong and apologize to the kids and tell them that he loved them. Sooooo, you can imagine the intense moments we had. There were times, though, that I was really scared and thought I'd have to leave. It's really hard to try and keep a semblance of normalcy with your kids when you are so worried about what your husband is going to do! I hate that whole eggshell feeling! I won't go in to more detail but make sure that the kids have a great counselor that can help explain PTSD to them and reassure them that it not their fault, that they didn't do anything wrong, daddy's sick and trying to get better and we're trying to help him, etc.
You know, PTSD really changes everyone forever. Our son, especially, has grown up too quickly. He watches after his dad when he's having a bad day - like taking our daughter to his bedroom and watching a movie with her till daddy calms down. Now, these episodes have gotten a lot better and the kids are "used" to them and are not as scared of them as before. (They are not directed at the kids - all anxiety and panic attacks the likes I have never seen in such severity in my life! - almost like catatonic)
Here's the last thing that I want to point out . . . The absolute worse time anything happened, me and the kids had to run from the house, down the street to a neighbor's house in fear of our lives. That was a turning point for me about PTSD. I was angry and pissed off that this was how our lives were going. When DH came back from the last tour, we had a loooong talk about what happens when he goes into a rage. The thing that I told him was that somewhere (and I'm not sure where that it is for him) there is a line that is crossed when they are getting anxious and distressed and where they can no longer control themselves. I told my husband that he better learn where that line was because that situation was NEVER to happen again. I think our saving grace was that we loved and were committed to each other and have a strong faith and maybe he knew I would follow through on what I said.
All that to say . . . get a great child counselor! ;) My children loved their visits to "Miss Beverly". Be your daughter's protector and her comforter. Let your husband apologize when he needs to and love on her. Let him be "daddy" as much as possible.
I commend you both for taking up the fight! It's not an easy path for any of you but who wants to go back to the way things were before?! I told my husband once after he started the medboard process that I am glad that I don't live inside his head. It kind of shocked him and I think offended him but I meant it as a compliment that I wasn't sure if I could be strong enough to handle what he's done and seen and not be locked away somewhere. Such strength and courage it takes for our men to fight for themselves like that! I am so proud of him!!!
- Post starter
- #23
ParanoidsWife
Bronze Member
Oh yes, about the perilous part - There are setbacks, of course, I'd let DH handle what he wanted to on his own (they have to take ownership of their own healing) but when things started to slide, I noticed right away and would watch and see what was going on for a while and if I felt it was sliding for too long, then I'd step in and say something to him and/or call his psychologist and have a little conversation. It's so tricky - do you say something or don't you - do you ask him about how his appointment went, or don't you, etc. Just play it by ear - you know your husband - you'll be fine.
Elisacullen21
Silver Member
Welcome to this forum :)
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