Hello, I'm Paranoid10's Wife

[ParanoidsWife]

Thank you, Elisa

 

[amethist]

ParanoidsWife, it sound like you have a real handle on what goes on with your husband, good to hear that.

There are not very many who can do what you do. :tup:

Even though my husbands PTSD is not from combat, I do things very similar to you. I used to have a word with his therapist, write down point for hubby to give to him, and step in when things slide, which is often at the moment, but contingency plans are in hand.

Not only will you find support for yourself here, you will be able to offer a lot of help to other military wives too.

Is there another name we could call you on here, as ParanoidsWife does not seem right for you.

Good luck and keep going forward together.

Amethist

 

[Paranoid10]

I want to point something out that may give a better insight into the mind of a combat veteran. The transition from warrior to husband and father is a tough one.

In combat, you have what the military calls "rules of engagement". These rules are the defining factor as far as what you legally can and cannot do in combat. In OIF 1, the rules of engagement were very loose. We had to have "reasonable suspicion" that a person was a threat to us as individuals, as a group or even to our equipment. Well, the phrase "reasonable suspicion" can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. It just depends on the perspective of the individual. I'll give you an example. It's three o' clock in the morning and you are stationed in an observation post looking over a nearby city. The streets of the city are quiet and no one is out. After a while, you see an Iraqi male walking down a road with a shovel. Is he a farmer heading to his field for the morning? Or does this guy get his jollies on digging holes in the road to plant explosives and kill Americans?

When you return from combat to the U.S; there are no rules of engagement to tell you what you can and cannot do. These rules have to be established between you and your spouse quickly. If not, things will get out of control. Boundaries need to be set, not only for the returning Soldier, but also for the family. Communication is imperative.

I remember I had what was called my "safe room". This was a room in the house to where, if things got out of line, I could go to cool off and sort out my feelings. This room was completely decorated by myself and was outfitted for relaxation purposes. Sorry ladies, but my wife did not have dominance over this part of the house. I know a lot of women are stuck on decorating the house a specific way and making things look "cute". But the reason for me decorating it "my way" was to take psychological ownership of that room. I knew it was mine and mine alone. This room had a number of different things in it to reenforce the idea to relax. Among the many things, was a chair that has overstuffed pillow sides on it and you just sink into it when you need it. This idea worked for a while but I soon found out that there were benefits and disadvantages to "isolation."

I'm not sure if this helps clarify anything but that's my story of PTSD in the earlier years. Respectfully, Paranoid10.

 

[ParanoidsWife]

I got you, honey!! ;-)

 

[The Albatross]

I have a small bedroom that is a safe room as well... also use it for my devotion room. Outfitted for comfort. It's gotten rather jumbled up cuz I haven't used it in while... but it was a big comfort for a long long time. Now it is enough to know it is there if/when I need it.

 

[ParanoidsWife]

Amethyst - thanks a lot! The spouse has to be proactive!!

I'm not sure about a new name - let me think about it for a bit. :-)

 

[Eleanor]

Hi PW & P10,

Thank you SO much for all you have shared. It will take some time to digest it all. My husband is committed to getting the PTSD treated, and is seeing a therapist whom he likes (and I start seeing next week). He is not, however, what you'd call "proactive" tho. I found the therapist -set up the first contact - do all the research on treatments and PTSD etc. Which is odd, because usually on other things he is. How much do I push? (By which I really mean to say something like - "how hard CAN I kick him in the ass? Assuming I muster the energy to do so?")

My daughter is seeing Dr Levy - who comes highly recommended for kids who have been around trauma/traumatized parents (there is way more of that in this city than one would hope.) She likes her a lot! They are having a conversation (via bears I believe) about what to do about being angry when there is no reason to be angry. Note to self: follow up with the bears :O_o:.

My husband's PTSD is from growing up in an very violent family (both parents and a step parent were violent to the kids,) and he then had two disastrous marriages. I will bring up the idea of a "safe room" for him. He retreats to the bedroom very often, but we could make it better I am sure. Husband is not a combat veteran (though he served in the Navy ) but has, I think the "military mind" as both his parents were military (his mom would have been career Navy had she not married his dad, and his dad was military school and Army.) He has a very strong sense of rules/order so maybe he and I should talk about some protective rules of engagement. He is not, I think, in danger of becoming physically abusive, but he is emotionally abusive when he is "in it." I seem to be able to avoid the worst of it by just disengaging... although that still takes a tremendous toll emotionally and mentally on me. Daughter can do no right when he is bad however. He never picks on her for nothing, or for things that are totally ok - but he is over the top with the intensity of his response. I am, under normal circumstances, more permissive and softer than he is (though we are both, when sane, well within the bounds of authoritative - as opposed to authoritarian or permissive - parenting.) So I have schooled myself to let him be him with her... but then when he is NOT him exactly, it is really really hard to know when and how to get in between. Maybe a rule of engagement would help here. It will have to be frightfully clever tho.

The idea of a" line" between the anxiety/activation and being "in" an episode is one that I wonder about - As a practical matter it seems there must be SOMETHING he could notice - but then sometimes he wakes up "in it". And once he is" in," I am the very devil and cannot be trusted, so I can't sound the alarm. Have to think/talk more on this.... It would be SO USEFUL if he could notice when he is going over the edge.

I worry about our daughter - what we are modeling for her? What she is taking in as "normal" - she's not at all stupid or insensitive - so even if he is not "fighting" with me, the hostility is palpable. I have moved her and myself mostly out of our house in the country (and into a rental we are fixing up in town) so it is a bit easier to manage, and we have some safe and secure space for the two of us. But of course she wants to go home. As do I, for whatever that's worth. But things seem to get more out of control and easier to trigger up there, so for the moment, we will continue to "camp out" in town. :cautious:

I cried a few tears for your little boy. :cry: My grown up girl is married to a career Army guy, so I'm afraid its in our future as well. Families serve too. Thank you both for blazing the trail - it gives me hope that we might win through.

Wow, that was a lot more than I meant to write. :unsure:

Thank you both again. Sincerely. From the bottom of my heart. Love to you both and your kids too.
Eleanor