Sufferer Hello. My Name Is Bob, And I Have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

[jd9900]

Hello. My name is Bob, and I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Please forgive the formal “AA” introduction.

PTSD is a bitch. I live my days in fear of the next bad thing that will happen. Every second I am alive is another second I have to be on guard for the next. It never seems to end.

I constantly live in “fight or flight” mode. I try very hard to relax, and remember that the bad things I had to do to survive pale in comparison to the good things I've done as a parent. A husband. A human.

I am hyper aware. Always. My senses never seem to want to turn off, and even sleep sometimes seems impossible. I often feel satisfied if I can sleep more than two hours a day.

Sometimes I cannot get out of bed because of my alarm clock. It will start beeping, and pull me out of one of the many nightmares I see over and over in my head. Sometimes I will slam it instinctively, throw it, or just unplug it as I cry myself back to sleep.

These responses I have – they are because I am angry. And that anger, it stems from fear.

I drink. All the time. It numbs the fear. It seems to be the only thing that allows me to relax. To be the person I want to be, not the person I am. I don't want to drink all the time. But I can't take being afraid all of the time. So I pick my poison.

As a scientist with PTSD, I tend to respond to my fight or flight instinct with my brain. I work very hard to spot conflicts before they occur, and do my best as a pacifist to diffuse any bad tension. I will sometimes lie, boldly, if I feel it can bring me the peace so necessary in my life.

When I am able to obtain moments of clarity, I try dubiously to seek clear and sane answers to what is obviously an opaque problem. I stare blankly into a mirror and don't even recognize the man looking back at me. He seems so angry.

Every day I seem to have more questions than I do answers regarding PTSD. I've spent years researching the topic. Talking to people who also suffer from this terrible ailment. Reading. Sharing. Trying to find a place in a world that does not seem to have a place for me anymore.

I'm starting to run out of hope that I will ever be able to readjust and be...normal. Or at least be me again. I'm posting this because I am hoping some of you may be able to help me. I thank you so much for any assistance.

 

[pamcoco]

Not sure I can help, but I relate. Year 5 of severe ptsd, the kind that makes time lapse and though my teeth are falling out, I never quite recall to do something about it.

Recently I realized, accepted, swallowed I will never be the same, ever. I am a new me with perhaps exacerbated flaws, or perhaps I lack the bullsh*t factor to remember to hide these flaws. The social graces seem like a bore for those that have the luxury to care.

If it were not for the droves of friends and family that cannot tolerate to be in my presence, there are aspects of the new me I admire. I "see", "hear", "sense" to a degree that only the peaceful sage could. While attuned to evil sentiments, I also experience the kind gesture when before I would not have noticed.

I am as sensitive as an open wound and the movement of the air causes unbareable sensation. I now take in everything all the time like a sponge to the water, and my checked out behavior is my survival mechanism. Yet even from the most checked out places I go, when I have consumed every pill, bottle and cookie around, I still perceive more then they ever have or will.

My nemesis and my awakening, it shall never leave me.

 

[jd9900]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Your last words in particular were quite moving to me, as I feel a strong kinship there. I feel now as though my greatest strengths are also my greatest flaws, mostly because I know what I can do with my strengths. Thanks again.

(I also want you to know that I am EXTREMELY impressed with your writing skills.)

 

[pamcoco]

That's funny. Hopefully there is a new career in my NEAR future!

But, thank you for posting. I find it hard to come here and engage as I do everywhere. I have spent the last week in bed begging for my natural death. I mean, how hard can it be? Harder than my week of trying, apparently ;-)

I am alone, dramatically so, as besides for ptsd I have significant health problems that forced me to stop driving 2 years ago. I go days and sometimes weeks without seeing another human. So, I appreciate that you noticed I noticed. A moment that made me tear, like the kind gestures I mentioned.

 

[franciemarnie]

I can identify with self medicating. PTSD can be torture - literally. You must know that the stress hormones your limbic brain is sending you constantly are aggravated enormously by alcohol, which increases the levels such that mornings-after are worse than the stress that lead you to the bottle in the first place. Of course you can start drinking again immediately. I couldn't take it myself. I'd only sleep two hours and then - BOING!! Awake and tortured beyond words. I quit drinking, but ultimately switched to painkillers. I bottomed out on those too eventually. Temporary solutions.

PTSD feels truly unbearable sometimes. Somatic therapy was the answer for me. I had to move the trapped rage out physically. I hope you find a professional to help. You should not have to continue going through a living hell.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Bob and welcome to the forum!

 

[intothelight]

Hi Bob,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum!

I think you have struck a common cord that resonates with all of us....the struggle to be "normal". Unfortunately, "normal" is an idea that many of us base on what we observe around us, or how we evaluate ourselves comparing past to present. Healing can really start when we accept ourselves for who we are and where we are at in the present. By focusing on being the best we can be now and then setting realistic goals for the immediate future, true progress, contentment and happiness can be realized.

PTSD binds a person to past traumas, but we can also bind ourselves with our past visions of what we see as our normal. I hope you find the information and support here helpful and that you find your new "normal".

Take care.

Debbie

 

[scout86]

Hi Bob.

Could be that "normal" is a little over rated anyway.

I spent the first 30 or so years of my life partitioning some stuff off into a separate box in my mind, where I could pretend it didn't matter. Then someone (not ME, LOL) figured out there was a "problem", pointed it out to me, and gave it a name. PTSD. I took that as "useful information" and figured, armed with that bit of info, I was fine. It took another 20+ years to realize that I was not, in fact "fine". That "most people" don't make the study of creative methods of suicide into a hobby. That it might actually be hard to recognize the map of "normal" if you've never seen it.

Last spring, it occurred to me that, if one of my friends came to me with this story, I'd tell them "therapy" might be a good idea. Of course, I had a lifetime of telling myself that I could take care of myself, didn't need anyone else for anything, and none of those concepts like "abuse" or "help" actually apply to ME anyway. On the grounds that what I'd tried so far hadn't worked real well, I seriously considered contacting a therapist. Did some research. Found a guy that looked promising. Wrote a bunch of email I never sent.... Finally, one day I hit "send". Immediately panicked and wished I could take it back! Almost as fast, got a response from the therapist saying, "Well, you might actually be ok, like you said. On the other hand, PTSD has a way of affecting much of your life. Often, more than you're aware of. Andit's not something that will go away by itself. So, if you want to come in and talk, I have an opening....."

The past few months have been educational, to say the least.

I noticed that you describe trying lots of stuff. I've tried lots of the same stuff. Some of it was helpful, some of it wasn't. (These days I stay WAY FAR AWAY from things like alcohol.) I still wish I'd been smart enough to find a good therapist 30 years ago. Maybe there weren't good therapists 30 years ago? Anyway, if you haven't given therapy a try, I suggest that you do.

Something that I've learned that's been a big help. You've probably run across this in your research, but maybe not. It's a newer discovery, I guess. They are thinking now that PTSD happens because of the way the brain occasionally "decides" to story traumatic memories. The memory gets storied in, or attached to, the amygdala, which is more or less the fight or flight center in the brain. When something reminds the amygdala of the memory, it "thinks" you're in danger and responds accordingly. It helps me, a lot, to try to keep track of what I'm experiencing (and, dumb as it sounds, I actually have to work at this fairly hard). When things seem to be going south, I check in with the situation, inquire as to whether or not it is, in fact, threatening. If it is, "is it as threatening enough that my reaction is appropriate?" If so, fine, go ahead and rip the person's lungs out, or what ever. USUALLY, I find that the situation is not, in fact, threatening, or, for example, the desire to kill someone is totally out of proportion to them cutting in front of me in line. Having recognized that, I go on to acknowledge that my well intentioned amygdala has, once again, gotten carried away with itself, trying to take me with it. You don't have to go! You can chose to take a deep breath and relax, or what ever works. YOU can learn to control those parts of your brain. You don't have to let the primitive parts of your brain control you. Not saying it's easy, but it's possible.

On about my second visit, my therapist asked what my goal was. (Goals? What a novel concept!) During the ensuing conversation, I told him that I felt like my "map of reality" (one of his favorite expressions) seemed like it had big holes in it and I was continually surprised when I ran into the blank spots, or ran off the edge of one of the holes. He kind of chuckled. Well, I'm here to tell you, at that point I had NO IDEA how many "holes" there were/are. You might be able to find some of them by yourself, but it will still be hard to see them for what they are. If you haven't sought out professional help, Do the research and start the adventure. Welcome to the forum!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi bob, and welcome.

I urge you to stop drinking as it actually can make PTSD so much worse. Am I correct in assuming that you are in AA? That's a good step to be taking! You deserve a sober life, as do your wife and kids.

I know we use all sorts of things to avoid the pain, but in reality they just prolong the suffering. Are you in therapy? Seeing a psychiatrist? If not, I urge you to seek out the assistance of both, preferably ones trained in treating trauma.

You can find a new normal , but sadly you will never be the same person you were pre-trauma. There is a mourning (and acceptance ) phase that many go through when they are coming to terms with the fact that the pre-trauma self is gone (in a way ).

 

[jd9900]

I wanted to thank all of you for your input, it has been extremely insightful. I've tried multiple therapies and found some help and some don't, and I haven't been to a therapist in several months. I know that is not good, but I recently went through a number of life changing events and was in the process of relocating and ...And I am making excuses. I need to call my therapist. Thank you all again.

 

[Mercy]

" YOU can learn to control those parts of your brain. You don't have to let the primitive parts of your brain control you. Not saying it's easy, but it's possible." scout86

It is enheartening to think that a person can actually gain control over the stress response from the amygdala. Could you give us some idea of how this works, please.

I have been on the other side of that, however. There have been two recent studies from in Great Brittan about this issue of control or no control over the amygdala and the biochemistry related to it. One found that children who had grown up in war zones, like Ireland during the Troubles, have the area on the gene that replicates dopamine permanently sealed. Those people cannot produce dopamine. I think this may pertain to people who have suffered abuse of any kind early in life.

The second study was of two groups of adults each of which watched the same videos. A few days later, clips of those videos were shown to the people in the two groups while being in a PET scan. Those with diagnosed PTSD showed activity in the amygdala 45 seconds to a minute before the frontal cortex, the thinking brain, became active. The biochemical cascade had already begun.

In my personal experience, I find that the amygdala can act quite independently of my voluntary and willing cooperation. I was in a hospital, just back from recovery room after a nine hour operation to place metal bone supports in a badly broken ankle. This procedure is known to be painful since the Dr. needs to scrape off all the nerve tissue around the break and over which the metal must be placed. Orders for high doses of morphine are normal for several days. Needless to say I was out of it, profoundly "asleep". Somehow, my friend Amy Gdala was not anesthetized at all.
"I" heard the command loud and urgent of "Hit the Dirt". "I" stood up in bed and dove off it sliding as far as I could and braking my wrist in the process.
I'm sure that if I had been even semi awake and aware of my surroundings, I would have known that I was hearing a war movie on someone's TV. There was no question of my controlling anything.

I hope I do not sound like I'm trying to argue with you. I'm not. I don't do confrontation stuff, too scary for me. I hope sincerely that you are right. That would be so great.

 

[scout86]

No, no, you don't sound like you're arguing at all. I'm not an scientist or an expert in this field in any way. (Other than from the inside, I guess.) I've been doing some reading on the response of the brain to "mindful awareness" etc. Basically ways to retrain the brain. It's been shown, at least in some studies, to work with OCD, depression, and stroke patients. They have PET scan evidence to support it. I really think it ought to be able to work with this too. After all, your brain theoretically started out "normal" and events led it to where it is now. Why should it's current state be any more unchangeable than it's original state was?

What I notice, myself, is that once I realize, for example, that what I'm experiencing is a flashback, it becomes less alarming because I now know it's a flashback, it's not real. (OK, it's a "real flashback", but you are not going to get shot by a flashback.) But, I have to be aware of it. I'll grant that I get caught up in things and don't always get what's REALLY going on real quickly. But, once I "get" it, I can kind of take a step back and reorient how I perceive things. And it helps. Not saying I'm 100% successful. Then again, I haven't been looking at things this way very long either.

It sort of makes sense that "our friend Amy Gdala" would be able to operate better under the influence of drugs than what my therapist likes to call "that rational part of your brain that you would like to think is usually running the show". It's a more "primitive", survival oriented part of your brain. It's the so called "higher functioning" parts that you need to engage to over ride it. The amygdala might get in the first lick, but YOU get to make the decisions, once you invoke a conscious, decision making scenario. If you had been fully conscious, you could have thought, recognized that it was most likely no one actually issued the command you thought you heard, and behaved accordingly. Granted, you might have already been under the table by the time you figured it out. With practice, you might get faster.

Could be I'm wrong. This is basically a guess that makes sense to me, based on some research on other issues. Still I can't see any downside to trying to think of it this way & seeing what happens. AND, it sort of gives me a sense of being able to "fight back".