Hello. My name is Schmitty, and I suffer from PTSD.
I'd have to say I have a variety of PTSD factors.
I have a huge anxiety, and fear, of a lot of things. Now, I don't really have a lot of fear about some things, due to growing, and learning, but there are things I am still dealing with.
When I was a kid, I was bullied a lot. I was beat by my dad, I watched my mom, and dad, get in arguments, fights, etc. I always had the fear of getting in trouble no matter what I did, even when I was a little boy. When people lied about me to the point of where I could get in trouble, and I had a chance to defend myself, I didn't say anything due to that natural fear I had of getting in trouble. I thought that if I said something, I'd be punished for saying it.
I have fears similar to this now, that I don't have anymore since I am an adult, and can take on my mom, and dad, in a physical altercation. I also got in a few fights as a kid, and sometimes when someone I knew I could beat up could hurt me, I didn't do anything back because of the fear of being punished severely by my parents.
My main fear I am dealing with right now is, I think people stalk me, because there are things they bring up in conversation that have relative similarity to things that pertain to my own life. I also have a fear of punishment, and a prideful fear that when people ask me if something is wrong with me, or if I have an interest in something/doing something, or if I do a questionare to measure my PTSD, etc., I will lie about it, or only use what's going on currently with me that I can see, and tell.
My main fears right now about my PTSD is compensation from the Army since I am getting medically discharged for my PTSD. I was put into a mental hospital for a few months, and I tried to commit suicide once. I always have depression/anger issues about it because I know there are other soldiers fighting, and dying, just to make a living, and here I am with PTSD that escalated from when I was overseas, doing nothing, getting paid for it. (Well, I'm not going to say I am doing nothing; I go to school, and Church, talk on forums, etc., but that's about it.) I've tried to be open about things with a variety of people, but I notice sometimes that I give them the wrong message, or impression. I always have a fear of being judged. Church helps me with being open, and going into society, but I have a natural fear there, because people are always suggesting things to me that don't neccessarily help me and my situation, even if it is helpful advice. I've also noticed that when people say something, and I know it's wrong, I sometimes get offended, or angry, and just straight up tell them bluntly they're wrong. I don't mean to make them mad or anything. It's just something I have to say because I genuinely care about the way people say things, but I also know that there isn't just one way to say something. That's my main fear; saying something that offends someone, or comes across the wrong way, and it's probably to do with when I was a kid, and worrying about that A LOT due to bullying, and fear of punishment.
I also have fears that are completely controllable by myself. I purposefully read things that I know are scary, and messed up, just to have knowledge of it, and try to understand it. Knowing these things that I read, if I share it with people, whether it's class, church, at a friends house, etc., people think I am a psycho. For instance, in a speech class, I talked about meat glue, which is widely known in other countries besides the U.S., and instantly I just had this feeling that everyone thought I was crazy. I'm really not; I just genuinely read things that are a bit creepy, and people ask me, "How do you know this stuff?" That's a fear in itself because I don't want people stalking things that I do. I don't want people knowing certain things about me because of the fear I have with it.
With my PTSD, I mainly have problems with depression, anger, anxiety, and insomnia. Those are the main things I have trouble with. Anyways, there is more to my PTSD, but I don't want to delve into it. I just wanted to go to a place where I could share it without feeling like a horrible, messed up person.
I'd have to say I have a variety of PTSD factors.
I have a huge anxiety, and fear, of a lot of things. Now, I don't really have a lot of fear about some things, due to growing, and learning, but there are things I am still dealing with.
When I was a kid, I was bullied a lot. I was beat by my dad, I watched my mom, and dad, get in arguments, fights, etc. I always had the fear of getting in trouble no matter what I did, even when I was a little boy. When people lied about me to the point of where I could get in trouble, and I had a chance to defend myself, I didn't say anything due to that natural fear I had of getting in trouble. I thought that if I said something, I'd be punished for saying it.
I have fears similar to this now, that I don't have anymore since I am an adult, and can take on my mom, and dad, in a physical altercation. I also got in a few fights as a kid, and sometimes when someone I knew I could beat up could hurt me, I didn't do anything back because of the fear of being punished severely by my parents.
My main fear I am dealing with right now is, I think people stalk me, because there are things they bring up in conversation that have relative similarity to things that pertain to my own life. I also have a fear of punishment, and a prideful fear that when people ask me if something is wrong with me, or if I have an interest in something/doing something, or if I do a questionare to measure my PTSD, etc., I will lie about it, or only use what's going on currently with me that I can see, and tell.
My main fears right now about my PTSD is compensation from the Army since I am getting medically discharged for my PTSD. I was put into a mental hospital for a few months, and I tried to commit suicide once. I always have depression/anger issues about it because I know there are other soldiers fighting, and dying, just to make a living, and here I am with PTSD that escalated from when I was overseas, doing nothing, getting paid for it. (Well, I'm not going to say I am doing nothing; I go to school, and Church, talk on forums, etc., but that's about it.) I've tried to be open about things with a variety of people, but I notice sometimes that I give them the wrong message, or impression. I always have a fear of being judged. Church helps me with being open, and going into society, but I have a natural fear there, because people are always suggesting things to me that don't neccessarily help me and my situation, even if it is helpful advice. I've also noticed that when people say something, and I know it's wrong, I sometimes get offended, or angry, and just straight up tell them bluntly they're wrong. I don't mean to make them mad or anything. It's just something I have to say because I genuinely care about the way people say things, but I also know that there isn't just one way to say something. That's my main fear; saying something that offends someone, or comes across the wrong way, and it's probably to do with when I was a kid, and worrying about that A LOT due to bullying, and fear of punishment.
I also have fears that are completely controllable by myself. I purposefully read things that I know are scary, and messed up, just to have knowledge of it, and try to understand it. Knowing these things that I read, if I share it with people, whether it's class, church, at a friends house, etc., people think I am a psycho. For instance, in a speech class, I talked about meat glue, which is widely known in other countries besides the U.S., and instantly I just had this feeling that everyone thought I was crazy. I'm really not; I just genuinely read things that are a bit creepy, and people ask me, "How do you know this stuff?" That's a fear in itself because I don't want people stalking things that I do. I don't want people knowing certain things about me because of the fear I have with it.
With my PTSD, I mainly have problems with depression, anger, anxiety, and insomnia. Those are the main things I have trouble with. Anyways, there is more to my PTSD, but I don't want to delve into it. I just wanted to go to a place where I could share it without feeling like a horrible, messed up person.
