Hello There

[greenunflower]

My name is Jenn
I live in the San Francisco Bay Area
I suffer from PTSD

I had a terribly traumatic pregnancy where I suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum.

I vomited 30-40 times a day in the begining, until I got a central line permanentally placed, where I had a constant drip of nausea/vomiting medication. This only stopped the vomiting. I continued to dry heave violently up to 10 times a day, for up to thirty minutes a session, my entire pregnancy.

That central line had to be replaced 6 times. A medical procedure each time.

I was chronically dehydrated, nauseated, weak, felt motion sick, and lost 20 pounds. I eventually got sepsis twice from my central line, the second time very seriously and landing me in the ICU. I was also on IV nutrition for months, and did not eat solid food for months.

At one point they asked my husband to sign a surgical release that if I was going to bleed out from the complication (DIC) of sepsis, that they could basically throw the baby in the biohazard bin. It was that bad.

My pelvis also seperated and I had a morphine drip for the last two weeks. I could barely move to my bedside commode. People had to wipe my butt because it hurt so badly and sometimes I couldnt even make it to the commode.

Eventually they did an amniocentesis (nice long needle right into my stomach) and found the baby's lungs to be mature, they induced labor, and then my daughter was in the NICU for 11 days. She had no fat on her body. Was small for gestational age, withdrawing from TPN and morphine, plus she had to gain weight. This all happened over xmas and NYE.

I have lost 35lbs since I gave birth in addition to the 20 i lost being pregnant, because i hate eating so much. I can be hungry but prefer that feeling than having to think about eating. There are many foods I cant even talk about because they make me itchy.

I am an ER nurse, and when I get a vomiting patient, I always trade them off. When I get an oncology patient with a central line, I become super alert, and try to fix every mistake or discomfort I ever had with mine for them

I have nightmares of being out of control, because I was always out of control.

I now have days long panic attacks, or days long panic episodes that are usually triggered by feeling out of control, or being exposed to something that directly related to my pregnancy.

I dont even know all my triggers yet. I know what makes the lights go bright, I know alot of what makes my fight or flight turn on, but what sets off the panic episodes is more insidious.

I am currently in therapy and on meds. I have suffered from chronic tx resistant depression, but had it under control through coping, avoiding triggers, and behavior modification, with some help from meds. After my pregnancy and PTSD, I feel like I have no coping whatsoever. I never know when the panic episodes will happen

Right now I am just keeping a log about when they happen, what was going on around that time, and how severe they are, and working on meds with my pdoc.

I do have my little girl, she is the light of my life. Totally worth PTSD. I woudl do anything for her. But it sure sucks what I had to do, to get her here.

That is me in a nutshell.

 

[Deleted member 541]

HI Jenn,

I am so sorry that you had such an awful pregnancy....Mine wasn't great, but pregnancy, should be a time of happiness, and a time to bond with the baby, even in the womb.....

This is a wonderful site, full of warm and compassionate people, so take advantage of all this place can offer, and be well........

 

[Clydiechick]

Hi

To me it sounds like you have more than PTSD, have the docs looked into your eating issues? Is it a symptom of what you experienced through pregnancy? It sounds like you are having a terrible time. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there.

Clydie

 

[Manic11]

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know it probably wasn't easy.
Sorry you had to go through all of that but I'm so glad she is happy and healthy now.
You came to the right place. We're all here for one another.
Welcome!

Peace and Hope
Manic

 

[greenunflower]

Thanks you guys. I dont know where else to go. I belong to a hyperemesis forum. A lot of women with HG get PTSD, but my HG went beyond the pale of what most women experience, and I had other complications besides. Plus I had underlying severe psychiatric disease, even if it was well controlled.

No one there has PTSD like I have. No one there suffers like I do with it. No one there had a pregnancy that caused so much out of control near death experiences. So I cant go there for support.

The one time I did, it became a war about whose HG was worse. I dont care who suffered more, I just want support for the hell I am going through now.

So I found you guys. But I know I am going to be weird here too.

I havent had a panic episode in a good 5 days, that is a record in a month. So that is nice. And I have had my pdoc for 10 years, he is very creative and knows me well. So that is good too.

But some of me feels like this is going to be a pull myself up by my bootstraps, figure out how to cope, find my triggers, learn to work with them, and keep moving. If I stop moving, if I stop getting out of bed, if I feed into the agoraphobia, it is only going to get worse.

 

[suzie q]

What a miracle you and your daughter are!! I can't imagine the misery your illnesses caused you during a time you should have been enjoying (somewhat!) the news of becoming a mother. You are one strong willed woman!

Dealing with the traumatic symptoms that were left, you must be exhausted. As a nurse, I know you are probably being triggered more than you would like at work. How selfless you are by even being there for the others. It's good to hear that you are taking a positive stance on your well being by participating in treatment options.

I hope you can get past the food issue. Do you have damage to your stomach/esophagus from the pregnancy? I have an eating disorder (I don't eat at all unless I have to) and even though I didn't purge, I caused damage to my stomach and how it receives food. It took awhile, but am able to eat most things. As a nurse, I'm sure you already know that.

I always wanted a baby and am unable. After reading what you went through, I want to say that I don't know that I would be strong enough to have continued the fight. I know you said it was worth it in the end, but I would have fallen apart. You are very brave and a very unselfish person.

Don't give up the fight on finding tools to handle your PTSD. This forum has helped me in so many ways. Glad you and your daughter are getting healthy and hope your husband can now breath, bless his heart!! You are in the right place for answers. Good luck! :Hug_emoticon:

 

[2quilt]

Welcome to the forum!

 

[suzie q]

I hear what you are saying about one-uping in a PTSD meeting. I have been told that it is a common occurrence when the meetings are not focused enough. It seems that everyone gets triggered by the others sharing and then it escalaides to who had it the worst and who deserves the most attention or validation. I had that with a vetPTSD meeting and it can be very harmful to all those involved.

Anthony has put a thread on how to start a PTSD meeting that may give you some insight on what you can do to start your own. It's good solid advice and I think it would at least let you know what to look for in a meeting that is healing and not competitive.

Of all the meetings I have attended, the most sucessful are the ones that overlook and correct those that wish to be unique. We can validate each others pain without having a pain leader, right? This forum allows me in most ways to handle the unique personality. I have the choice to either listen and respond or I can find those who are into the solution and not the problem. I can say what I feel and know that I will be validated by someone who has been there, not by a group of people posturing for what??

You don't have to do this on your own. Pull your boot straps up if you must, but know that others may need your experience strength and hope to live another day. Your history gives you the power to help others. Maybe you'll get help along the way by giving others your experience.

 

[suzie q]

I hear what you are saying about one-upping in a PTSD meeting. I have been told that it is a common occurrence when the meetings are not focused enough. It seems that everyone gets triggered by the others sharing and then it escalates to who had it the worst and who deserves the most attention or validation. I had that with a vetPTSD meeting and it can be very harmful to all those involved.

Anthony has put a thread on how to start a PTSD meeting that may give you some insight on what you can do to start your own. It's good solid advice and I think it would at least let you know what to look for in a meeting that is healing and not competitive.

Of all the meetings I have attended, the most successful are the ones that overlook and correct those that wish to be unique. We can validate each others pain without having a pain leader, right? This forum allows me in most ways to handle the unique personality. I have the choice to either listen and respond or I can find those who are into the solution and not the problem. I can say what I feel and know that I will be validated by someone who has been there, not by a group of people posturing for what??

You don't have to do this on your own. Pull your boot straps up if you must, but know that others may need your experience strength and hope to live another day. Your history gives you the power to help others. Maybe you'll get help along the way by giving others your experience.