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[soldierswife64]

Hello, I am the wife of a soldier diagnosed with PTSD a year ago. Needless to say we are having a very difficult home life. He tells me daily he isn't happy and wants to leave. I ask him what will make him happy, he has no idea. He isn't physically abusive but as of late is hateful all the time. I also found out he had been gambling and lost a lot the same week we found out about the PTSD. He used to be the most upstanding, honest, calm, high integrity man that I knew. He has turned into someone who lies to me on a daily basis and is angry all the time. He is showing very compulsive and addictive behavior any many areas of his life. From wanting all kinds of material objects to needing numerous hobbies to keep him happy and satisfied.

He has been going to counseling and is on meds, doesn't seem to be helping. He seems to be getting worse lately. I can do no right in his eyes and if I say no or disagree with anything he wants it is a major blow up between us. With the lying, gambling and PTSD he has ruined the trust between us. I love him with all my heart and am trying to understand what I should do. I will admit I have been hard and very angry with him in the past and now see it makes it worse and is a mistake on my end. He tells me he is numb and doesn't feel anything anymore other than he isn't happy.

Also, last year his dad went into the hospital with circulatory problems and had an amputation, he ended up with mrsa and gangreen and died after suffering for over two months, it was difficult for me to watch so I know it was hard on him. I need advice desperately how to hang on and do the right thing for him. I love him and want the best for him but seems he feels I am always wrong about everything. The counselor has told him he has compulsive addictive behaviors as well and he admits to it but the anger is getting the best of me. sorry for rambling. I feel lost myself right now.

 

[AS1975]

Take care of yourself, first and foremost, you are no good to anyone unless you are well. Maybe get him to talk about the inability to trust himself with money, it is a major factor in my life and something I've just had to accept, I cannot trust myself with money, in the same way I cannot trust myself with alcohol or drugs.

Take a good hard look at the relationship, is it worth working toward keeping? What do you expect, reasonably expect, to change? Is he just in treatment because he has to be there, or has he accepted there is a serious problem that treatment can help? Just some of the questions I'd ask myself in your position.

Welcome to the forum:)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[Sailorgal]

Sometimes things get worse before they get better...only if there is room for proper treatment. Tough thing is that when you start working on yourself, you risk more hurt and damage. It's like one step forward. 3,4,5 steps back..

The gambling is just another candle on the cake. You need to preserve yourself cos right now he is in a downward spiral and needs to be the one to truly want to snap out of it. The more you love, the more he will push.

Better to try to research combat PTSD to see what you're facing.

Stay strong.

 

[ClearAsMud]

I can relate to so much of what you are saying, especially the need for material things, lies, anger and not doing anything right in his eyes. The most important thing for me has been to take care of myself and stay firm with my boundaries. I drew the line at the excessive drunkenness, and he won't stop drinking, so I've had to break up with my sufferer and am trying to get him out of my house. What a mess, which I sure hope you can avoid...I wish you all the best!

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[discarded]

Hi and welcome to the forum. I too can relate very well to what you have written. The more I pushed for him to get help the more he withdrew from me and the more he drank and rebelled against anything he knew was important to me. He doesn't want to get help, he just wants to be left alone. So after 28 years I packed up and left, taking our daughter with me. He hasn't improved but at least one of his stressors (me) is out of his daily life.

It is a really tough life to be living and unfortunately a sufferer needs to really want to get help for it to be beneficial. You need to take of you and set boundaries as to what is and isn't acceptable to you. For me it was the constant lies and secret emails, online affairs that lead me to leave. I simply don't trust him, hell I don't even know him anymore, the man I married was honest, faithful and very proud. All of that no longer exists.

I truly hope things improve for you. Good luck. As many on here have witnessed, things can and do improve for many.

 

[Nicolette]

Welcome Soldierswife64 :)

 

[Kim500]

Hi there and welcome to the forum! I'm so sorry you and your husband are suffering this.

seems he feels I am always wrong about everything

I noticed you said the quote above, and I just wanted to mention to you that you keep aware of this, that if you feel his view of you is your being wrong about everything, it's NOT because you are, but because he is suffering from an illness and is probably seeing things differently because of the symptoms of PTSD right now.

Don't question yourself about your integrity or who you are because of this. Stay close to God in prayer so you don't lose yourself in this. I think your husband would want the same for you if he was back to his old self and not suffering so much. (((Hugs)))

 

[CrazyHorse]

Hi, and welcome to the forum!

When reading your post, and other supporters in a similar situation as yourself, It makes me sad! I should properly not stick my nose into this, but I have now seen too many examples, for me not to comment:

PTSD is not an excuse for that type of behavior!

Having the diagnosis does not give you a ticket to be mean to others, to gamble, to lie, to cheat, and bacically treat your spouse or anyone else badly! I am a sufferer myself, but PTSD or no PTSD, you still have a responsibility for yourself, as well as others.

Will PTSD still affect your relationship, yes! The anger, the numbness and frustration is a killer! But as a sufferer, you have the responsibility, and in my oppinion the obligation, to work your a** off in order not to let PTSD get the best of you and the people supporting you.

We may have PTSD, but we are not puppets. We did not chose to have this condition, but we can still chose what we are going to do with it, now that it is here, and that is hard, but necessary work, if you chose to stay in connection with others.

 

[Wenchie LostElf]

Hi, I am sorry you are having such a tough time. As I was reading your post I had one thought that may be helpful. I've found that when I'm in a relationship that has spiraled to such a difficult level that if I step back and remove myself a bit it allows things to slow down and gives me a chance to pull some things together.

I don't know how to explain what I mean other than when I'm very close in, I react bigger, faster, I feel more pain, I feel more threatened. My reactions tend to trigger even more and stronger outbursts from my partner and things get worse. He uses my reactions as a platform to escalate things so he can have the explosion or the release of pressure that he needs; or I end up lashing back and that in turn causes more negative responses from him.

I am not saying at all that you or I are causing the problems or that it is our fault, I just can't explain it with words properly. If I remove myself a bit it is easier to feel as if I'm not affected, it doesn't hurt as much so I can control the progression of events better. It gives me a bigger window of opportunity for damage control, more breathing room to keep things calmer and more energy to deal with things.

I guess part of it is not taking it all personally. Step back from the trees to see the forest? :) Easier said than done when this is the person you love and want to be with and it is your life that is being damaged! He is very lucky to have you. I hope things get better for the both of you soon!

 

[soldierswife64]

Thanks everyone for all the comments and advice. I have read so many posts on this site and now have a better understanding of what he is going through and feels.

He asked me two nights ago if I was chatting with someone online. I simply turned the laptop around and let him see what I was doing which was posting on this site. He actually got on this site and the combat ptsd site and read many posts, he stated to me that alot of the posts stated the way he felt. He has been much calmer the last two days. I also have tried to keep the peace and not push him for anything.

He is in counseling and on meds and is suppose to start another program as well. I hope he is able to get a grip and keep it for a while. I told him he wasn't only destroying himself but hurting others around him with his behavior and that it was going to have to stop.

I love him dearly but won't stay in this if he doesn't want or try hard to work on feeling better. I do know he was horrible to deal with for weeks and now he is much calmer.

This site has been great with info and helped me understand what he is going through. Thanks!