ShyFromEarly
New Here
Hello;
I was diagnosed with complex PTSD in 2006, and it was something of a welcome relief after more than 40 years of living with it.
I was physically and psychologically abused at home, mainly by my older brother and father, but also parental neglect; and this made me feel fat and ugly, and very angry and afraid... my mother just said I was "shy." I was always terrified to be away from home without my family, and my friends would get angry that I wouldn't come over after school, or stay overnight etc. I was also severely depressed, and would get terrified even at home if my parents weren't there, just by remembering scary things I saw on television etc.
My dad, a doctor, took me to a psychiatrist, who just said it was "anxiety," and who pretended to be my friend.
It just snowballed when I got even more bullied at school and at home-- and everywhere else it seemed, since I was not just afraid of getting hurt, but more afraid of being humiliated when I fought back, which happened often.
This happened so badly that I had to change schools when I was 12, when one incident "branded" me as a target since I was vulnerable; and it happened twice more during the next 2 years, until finally I tried to quit school at 13, but my parents and the same psychiatrist forced me into a mental hospital, where he accused me of "having my parents wrapped around my little finger" using "heartbreak" etc. to get out of going to school and "facing my problems" etc. (This was in the mid-70's).
I was initially very angry at this, and terrified; but the staff played mind-games to turn everything around on you, saying that I only felt that way because I was "sick" and "needed help with my problems," and "if I didn't want to be there, then it proved I NEEDED to be."
This was the "attitude test" that you were theirs to do with as they wanted, as long as they wanted, until you agreed with them; even if you were bullied by the other kids there, they'd just deny it. They said I was "just running away from my problems; and here you can't run away," telling me that I avoided interacting with others and would stay alone by myself reading or watching television etc, and that they would let me go home when I "learned to get along with others."
It was the old "you have to face your fears" game, which basically meant that you had no rights as a person-- begining with the right to safety, as well as dignity and privacy. It was just torture for me to be there, but I couldn't even tell my parents how I felt, since it was a Catch-22 that if I didn't want to be there, then they'd keep me there longer.
So I simply suppressed my feelings, and did everything I could to cooperate as well as to hide how I really felt; I couldn't imagine anything better than even being moved to day-care.
After a year of that, I basically developed Stockholm Syndrome, telling myself that I had to "face my fears" and "not run away," and essentially I just believed that my pain over abuse, abandonment and domestic violence etc. (my older brother began beating up my dad when he was 16) was just mental illness, and that I had to basically rationalize and deny it.
So I went back to the school that I fled from previously- a California school for "gifted" students, where the abuse was mainly psychological; but this time I told myself that I couldn't fight back anymore, since I had to avoid conflict; and I tried to be "social" as well, and didn't dare complain to anyone about any abuse of any sort-- no matter how badly it hurt.... which happened often, particularly since I wasn't allowed to even admit to myself that there was anything wrong with people mocking my appearance, or subjecting me to any other kind of abuse or exclusion. This also escalated even more when schoolmates learned that I was a "safe target" since I would avoid conflict and basically sit there and take abuse-- or maybe that I simply didn't care. This led to their ganging up on me with verbal and psychological abuse for no reason, labeling me as "stupid" etc... and I had to pretend that I simply didn't care (I was also told by shrinks that it would only "encourage" them if I showed any response, and to "just ignore it" etc).
While I pretended to be upbeat and social, in reality I simply withdrew, and did poorly in school-- which destroyed my saving belief, i.e. that the abusers were simply stupid, and that I'd beat them academically (which my mother also told me-- when in reality, I later read the bullies come to the top more frequently, because they roam more freely-- and that therefore at a school for "gifted children," the bullying was more rampant and ruthless than other places).
This only made me hope more that I was simply a misunderstood genius, and that if I worked hard enough then I'd prove this; but this just caused more anxiety.
As a result of all this, I didn't graduate until I was over age 20, and likewise domestic violence continued; I
I was diagnosed with complex PTSD in 2006, and it was something of a welcome relief after more than 40 years of living with it.
I was physically and psychologically abused at home, mainly by my older brother and father, but also parental neglect; and this made me feel fat and ugly, and very angry and afraid... my mother just said I was "shy." I was always terrified to be away from home without my family, and my friends would get angry that I wouldn't come over after school, or stay overnight etc. I was also severely depressed, and would get terrified even at home if my parents weren't there, just by remembering scary things I saw on television etc.
My dad, a doctor, took me to a psychiatrist, who just said it was "anxiety," and who pretended to be my friend.
It just snowballed when I got even more bullied at school and at home-- and everywhere else it seemed, since I was not just afraid of getting hurt, but more afraid of being humiliated when I fought back, which happened often.
This happened so badly that I had to change schools when I was 12, when one incident "branded" me as a target since I was vulnerable; and it happened twice more during the next 2 years, until finally I tried to quit school at 13, but my parents and the same psychiatrist forced me into a mental hospital, where he accused me of "having my parents wrapped around my little finger" using "heartbreak" etc. to get out of going to school and "facing my problems" etc. (This was in the mid-70's).
I was initially very angry at this, and terrified; but the staff played mind-games to turn everything around on you, saying that I only felt that way because I was "sick" and "needed help with my problems," and "if I didn't want to be there, then it proved I NEEDED to be."
This was the "attitude test" that you were theirs to do with as they wanted, as long as they wanted, until you agreed with them; even if you were bullied by the other kids there, they'd just deny it. They said I was "just running away from my problems; and here you can't run away," telling me that I avoided interacting with others and would stay alone by myself reading or watching television etc, and that they would let me go home when I "learned to get along with others."
It was the old "you have to face your fears" game, which basically meant that you had no rights as a person-- begining with the right to safety, as well as dignity and privacy. It was just torture for me to be there, but I couldn't even tell my parents how I felt, since it was a Catch-22 that if I didn't want to be there, then they'd keep me there longer.
So I simply suppressed my feelings, and did everything I could to cooperate as well as to hide how I really felt; I couldn't imagine anything better than even being moved to day-care.
After a year of that, I basically developed Stockholm Syndrome, telling myself that I had to "face my fears" and "not run away," and essentially I just believed that my pain over abuse, abandonment and domestic violence etc. (my older brother began beating up my dad when he was 16) was just mental illness, and that I had to basically rationalize and deny it.
So I went back to the school that I fled from previously- a California school for "gifted" students, where the abuse was mainly psychological; but this time I told myself that I couldn't fight back anymore, since I had to avoid conflict; and I tried to be "social" as well, and didn't dare complain to anyone about any abuse of any sort-- no matter how badly it hurt.... which happened often, particularly since I wasn't allowed to even admit to myself that there was anything wrong with people mocking my appearance, or subjecting me to any other kind of abuse or exclusion. This also escalated even more when schoolmates learned that I was a "safe target" since I would avoid conflict and basically sit there and take abuse-- or maybe that I simply didn't care. This led to their ganging up on me with verbal and psychological abuse for no reason, labeling me as "stupid" etc... and I had to pretend that I simply didn't care (I was also told by shrinks that it would only "encourage" them if I showed any response, and to "just ignore it" etc).
While I pretended to be upbeat and social, in reality I simply withdrew, and did poorly in school-- which destroyed my saving belief, i.e. that the abusers were simply stupid, and that I'd beat them academically (which my mother also told me-- when in reality, I later read the bullies come to the top more frequently, because they roam more freely-- and that therefore at a school for "gifted children," the bullying was more rampant and ruthless than other places).
This only made me hope more that I was simply a misunderstood genius, and that if I worked hard enough then I'd prove this; but this just caused more anxiety.
As a result of all this, I didn't graduate until I was over age 20, and likewise domestic violence continued; I
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