Mockingbird
New Here
This might be long, it might not make sense.
I was adopted from Korea by a coupke in the states. I was raped when I was 6 by a neighbor, and raped again at the age of 16 by a friend. Started having suicidal ideation in 4th grade and also started self mutilation. Dropped out of highschool, got my ged. Was shortly hospitalized after for trying to commit suicide.
I slowly lost all of my friends because all I wanted to do was smoke pot. I ended up getting involved with someone who turned out to be an alcoholic, and after 2 children and getting married he decided to beat me up to a bloody pulp on our honeymoon. I was shocked, but he promised to never do it again.
That was a lie and he continued to beat me off and on in front of our children for 4 years. I wanted to keep my family together and he threatened my life every time I wanted to leave. He verbally abused me, and raped me whenever he pleased. My cries to my parents were not heard and they looked the other way. I had no friends, he didn't let me.
Cps was called because of our consistent fighting, but gave the kids to him because of my past and visible cuts on my arms...
So, I wanted to leave him but I couldn't bare to leave my kids. So, I stayed and things got better. We got an apartment, I worked full time paying rent, and he worked and watched the kids. We would still fight and he would degrade me in front of the kids.
One night my daughter got into my kolopin and took one. We took her to the er, Cps was involved. The case worker said the kids seemed better with the father. Even though every night I was getting beat and burned by this man. They didn't believe me. I had no marks at the time... I felt at odds. No mother would leave their kids...
I told him I was going to leave and he said he wouldn't protect a restraining order and I was going to die if I took the kids with me.
2 weeks later he threw me on the ground, burned me with his cigarette, hit me, kicked me, choked me out multiple times, pissed on me, and then f*ck ed me. I had to go to work that night. I did, it was safer than being at home.
Two days later I left. I met someone online, we knew each other for a year, and played video games together. He lived there states over. It was the safest place to go. My husbands family has ties to the mafia and I knew he could make me dissapear.
So, I left everything. My job, my promotion, my family, and even my kids. I'm so sick everyday, and it's been 6 months. Each day, I count down the minutes and hours until I will fall asleep again.
Now, I've lost insurance, I'm running out of meds, I have no one to talk to. My family hates me, my friends don't want anything to do with me... I hate myself in so many ways.
The kids are with me now for a 6 week visit, he ended up being the primary caregiver. I'm so happy to be with my children, but I am so depressed. It took 6 months to let them go. Now they're here, they are triggering me left and right. My daughter woke me up by elbowing me in the head, on accident. My youngest daughter threw a rock at me. Screaming, crying or jumping on me. Silly minor things that kids do, and they're giving me flashbacks.
I feel like a horrible mother. Who would do this and why would they? I couldn't breath without them, now I'm drowning with them here.
Well, I'm stuck in a very deep part of my brain right now. Somewhere familiar and I'm stuck in this state. I want to be happy, we've gone camping, six flags, aqauriums, water parks and more. My anxiety and depression is getting in the way of my time with them, as well as, my entire life.
What is the point? So close to giving up.
M. Bird
I was adopted from Korea by a coupke in the states. I was raped when I was 6 by a neighbor, and raped again at the age of 16 by a friend. Started having suicidal ideation in 4th grade and also started self mutilation. Dropped out of highschool, got my ged. Was shortly hospitalized after for trying to commit suicide.
I slowly lost all of my friends because all I wanted to do was smoke pot. I ended up getting involved with someone who turned out to be an alcoholic, and after 2 children and getting married he decided to beat me up to a bloody pulp on our honeymoon. I was shocked, but he promised to never do it again.
That was a lie and he continued to beat me off and on in front of our children for 4 years. I wanted to keep my family together and he threatened my life every time I wanted to leave. He verbally abused me, and raped me whenever he pleased. My cries to my parents were not heard and they looked the other way. I had no friends, he didn't let me.
Cps was called because of our consistent fighting, but gave the kids to him because of my past and visible cuts on my arms...
So, I wanted to leave him but I couldn't bare to leave my kids. So, I stayed and things got better. We got an apartment, I worked full time paying rent, and he worked and watched the kids. We would still fight and he would degrade me in front of the kids.
One night my daughter got into my kolopin and took one. We took her to the er, Cps was involved. The case worker said the kids seemed better with the father. Even though every night I was getting beat and burned by this man. They didn't believe me. I had no marks at the time... I felt at odds. No mother would leave their kids...
I told him I was going to leave and he said he wouldn't protect a restraining order and I was going to die if I took the kids with me.
2 weeks later he threw me on the ground, burned me with his cigarette, hit me, kicked me, choked me out multiple times, pissed on me, and then f*ck ed me. I had to go to work that night. I did, it was safer than being at home.
Two days later I left. I met someone online, we knew each other for a year, and played video games together. He lived there states over. It was the safest place to go. My husbands family has ties to the mafia and I knew he could make me dissapear.
So, I left everything. My job, my promotion, my family, and even my kids. I'm so sick everyday, and it's been 6 months. Each day, I count down the minutes and hours until I will fall asleep again.
Now, I've lost insurance, I'm running out of meds, I have no one to talk to. My family hates me, my friends don't want anything to do with me... I hate myself in so many ways.
The kids are with me now for a 6 week visit, he ended up being the primary caregiver. I'm so happy to be with my children, but I am so depressed. It took 6 months to let them go. Now they're here, they are triggering me left and right. My daughter woke me up by elbowing me in the head, on accident. My youngest daughter threw a rock at me. Screaming, crying or jumping on me. Silly minor things that kids do, and they're giving me flashbacks.
I feel like a horrible mother. Who would do this and why would they? I couldn't breath without them, now I'm drowning with them here.
Well, I'm stuck in a very deep part of my brain right now. Somewhere familiar and I'm stuck in this state. I want to be happy, we've gone camping, six flags, aqauriums, water parks and more. My anxiety and depression is getting in the way of my time with them, as well as, my entire life.
What is the point? So close to giving up.
M. Bird
