Other Hello

[abbynormal1929]

Hi,

This is my first time posting on a forum like this. I have a history of emotional abuse by others, and have a history of varying levels of depression, and anxiety, Including major depression. My fiancé is emotionally abusive, and I'm not sure of what action to take under the circumstances. She has no idea that she is doing it, and she is a victim of physical/emotional abuse herself. I know the common wisdom is that I have to take care of myself first, and if someone came to me with the same problem, I would tell them to take some kind of action. I'm a masters level mental health clinician, and I am all to keenly aware of the short, and long-term effects of emotional abuse. On top of that my best friend when I was a kid was a victim of sexual abuse, and I saw the effects of his fathers abuse for years, and years till I moved away when I was 17 (He was emotionally abusive towards me too, so I never kept in touch).

None of this makes my decisions about my own well being any easier. She literally has no idea what she is doing to me. When I allude to some of the more specific things she does, I get replies like: "I was just kidding", or "your so sensitive", not to mention responses suggesting that her own abuse was worse. I have been with her for four and a half years now, and the fact of the matter is I want to leave. She's also made thinly vailed threats of suicide in the past when she thought I was going to leave her. She, by pushing my buttons, made me: say I love you, say I would be with her forever, and propose to her when I wasn't ready.


I would appreciate any input people can offer.

 

[EveHarrington]

Given that you said you want to leave, do you want advice on how to get out or how to make things work?

Nothing will work if she isn't willing to take responsibility for her behavior and be willing to work on changing. That is, unless you want to be abused and walked all over for the rest of your life. But I know you don't.

If she's willing to work on healing-----a healthy relationship is in the realm of possibilities.

How to make it work? It certainly involves setting and enforcing boundaries. However, given that you're dealing with borderline behavior, this is going to be hella hard. I think the first step is deciding whether or not you're up for this fight. Fighting for your relationship, fighting to get better------which means if she pulls the suicidal threats, you treat them seriously and call 911.

Honestly, since you want to leave and she's abusive, I advise finding the strength to leave. It's typical for abusers to victim blame and shirk responsibility with the "you're too sensitive" line.

Welcome to the forum. You deserve to heal. You deserve to be treated better. :hug:

 

[abbynormal1929]

Thank you,

Addressing this with her, for her, will be completely out of left field. I also cant help but to feel bad that from her prospective, this will be out of the blue. On a more logistical issue, I'm legally bound to an apartment lease that was fairly recently renewed for 2 years. I'm just worried about how that issue would play itself out. I'm well aware that I'm making excuses, but... well I'm trying to get a grip on what I'm doing...

 

[ladee]

Possibly you can 'get a grip' on what you are NOT doing. I doubt she really has no awareness that her words and actions have an affect on you. Whether it be the look on your face, your body language, ect... She may not care what affect it has.... that would hurt.
What is the worst that will happen if you start setting boundaries with her... she will say things, or threaten suicide... ??? Being a MH pro, you know what to do when someone threatens suicide...
Setting boundaries takes time, patience and perseverance.. Of course she isn't going to like it... just as you may not like reading some of this is your responsibility also....
Just one question... do you want to leave because you do not love her anymore... or do you want to leave because you feel anything you invest at this point would be a lost cause?
First of all, you are not a mind reader. So you may think you know the outcome. And if, in fact, you do know the outcome, then do what you have to do... bottom line... can't take care of her and you at the same time....

 

[abbynormal1929]

In answer to your question: I think it's both. I don't love her anymore, and I believe nothing I say makes a bit of difference to her, she's never heeded my suggestions about anything. More than a year ago she read a text thread I was having with a fried venting about her, and it sparked a huge string of me apologizing to her. I forget exactly how it went but I broke up with her. She had driven to my moms house an hour and a half at 5 in the morning the next day, and somehow we wound up back together. And she still brings that occasion to make me feel guilty, disregarding the fact that it began with her invading my privacy. Sry I'm just unloading a bit. And yes of course I'm going to call 911 if she threatens suicide. It's kind of a head trip because I've been on the other side of this conversation multiple times. Any way thank you for your encouragement. And I would be doing a dis-service to my future clients who have experienced trauma, if I didn't practice what I preached. Feel free to reply, I'm not good with confrontation, and what I'm thinking about doing is going to be extremely difficult.

 

[hodge]

Run for your life. I'm serious. You've been at this for more than four years. And especially since you don't love her anymore. And, yes, after you get through this, you will be in a much better place to help your clients -- bonus!

Maybe you could do this gradually? Like, give her some strong hints that you are not happy in this relationship to prepare her before you break up with her out of the blue? Maybe start with having a talk with her and telling her how you honestly feel. You could say you wish this could work out but you don't really believe that anymore. Hmm, okay, that last bit might be better after you've prepared her for the idea that you want out.

Obviously there were reasons you fell in love with her, but I am glad to see you have the healthy response of turning away from someone who is abusive.

I'm sure it will be difficult, but you can't say you didn't try. My mother would do the same kinds of things to me, including threatening suicide, even when I was 60 miles away at college. I tried everything with her. Years of therapy about only her and total neglect of multiple traumas I'd been through.

We'll be here to support you.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Welcome to the discussions :hug: I trust this place helps you. It's extremely helpful in light of the mass measure of individuals who feel comparative and get it. There is a considerable measure of guidance and backing to be found here :) I hope this astounding group helps you as much as it helped me, understanding all the comparable stories, and taking in a ton along the way. Hugs if you accept :hug:

 

[ladee]

Of course it's difficult... not one thing easy about what you need to do to take care of your self... but I do applaud you for being honest and saying you no longer love her. Then it becomes a hostage situation as opposed to a relationship... and I do understand.. been there myself...
You have support here for sure... so many of us have had to leave relationships and not one time was it easy or comfortable... and there is no way out but thru....
I hope you also have a T to help you navigate this very difficult choice.. but staying isn't a choice either... Hope there is a way you can come up with a plan... the more simple you keep it, the better...easy for me to say, I know...
I always try to remember that guilt is not love.. and I am doing myself a disservice by staying involved with some one out of guilt...
This will probably take time and planning on your part, but keep in mind, we are here for you on this journey. There will be no 'right time' for her, but you will know on some level when the time is right for YOU....
Sending energy for you to deal with this very confusing and painful time, you have the tools.... take your time... be self caring in the process... and come here and share any time... you are not alone and we do care.

ETA: You do not strike me as the type man who would just bolt.. but keep that as an option if all else fails.... I would love to know I had a T that was this self reflective and humble enough to ask for help !! She will make it or she won't... that's sounds cruel and hard... but we each are responsible for choices we make.... it is your turn to take care of YOU.

 

[Chitoshi]

@abbynormal1929 I think that others who have posted before me have given some solid advice.

I want to address your comment about your two year lease. Both you and her are on the lease, yes? I know it may hurt short term, but if you truly want to leave, don't let the lease hold you back. Read your lease terms and make sure you have the money for the penalties when you break your lease.

Breaking a lease is something that happens far more often than we think, and in instances like this it is more than OK to break your lease. The landlord can't make you stay, and the long-term benefits from what I am hearing from you seem like they would far outweigh the consequences of one broken lease.

Find somewhere you can stay while looking for another apartment. :) That would be my advice.

 

[abbynormal1929]

I know myself well enough to know that I can be easily convinced to stay if I don't leave fast. I don't know how long I can drag it out.

 

[hodge]

Are you seeing a therapist?

 

[ladee]

Then do as @hodge suggested... run for your life.... what ever works to keep yourself sane and healthy.... make sure you can live with the consequences....... there really are no right or wrongs here as long as you do not harm her physically , do what you have to do.