Help A Freak To Survive The Clinic

[freakofnurture]

Back after having a cold. Yesterday was so-so, today was a rather good day, but I don't currently feel like talking about it. I'll make up for that tomorrow.

It doesn't sound like you are being disrespectful to the others in the group.

Not intentionally at least. The problem is that I start lecturing people, and if I get worked up about a topic I can rant on for as long as the T lets me. I overstep the boundaries of my role as fellow patient and I take up time for venting (using far too many foreign words and too much psych jargon to be decipherable for anybody but the T) that could have been spent more usefully on the T explaining stuff to the other patients.

Art therapy sounds pretty cool I have never tried it. Do you think it is something a person can try on their own? Any suggestions on what to do?

As far as I understand, art therapy (Gestaltungstherapy would be the super correct psych term) is used to work on feelings without the need for words or even conscious access to the root of the feelings. You can use it in numerous ways:

- Stabilise or even improve your emotional state by working with materials and colours that help you feel the opposite of what you are currently feeling - for example if you're sad and hurting, you can use something soft and smooth that feels good to the touch and is warm and friendly coloured, and make something that looks light, maybe even happy.

- Let out tension by working with force, maybe on a big canvas with a big, hard brush, or felting (stabbity-stab :D), carving linoleum tableaus, filing soapstone, bending wires...

- Explore your current emotion by working with materials and colours that feel right at that moment, changing (or stopping) when the feeling changes - like overpainting what you first drew, making something else out of the beginning of a sculpture...

- Explore how it feels to do something different, like, when you always follow a certain way of reacting, or feel like you must do or feel this or that,try to gestalt yourself doing things differently and getting away with it.

- Also you can work on older Gestaltungen that represent emotions, thoughts, ideas etc. that have changed since you made them, or that you realise you want to change.

You can sure make Gestaltungen on your own, and it could be a good way for you to cope with certain emotions, influence the way you feel or even get a better idea of what might be going on inside of you. But to get the most out of it you surely need a therapist.

Even if I don't want to say something - I CAN'T STOP MYSELF. I MUST. That's the part that gets me. Could that be a kind of Tourette's Syndrome?

Lol! "Watch what you say, I have Opinion Tourette's." That would be a good thing to print on a shirt.

Must convince them... Must convince them...

Must educate them... Must enlighten them... Must inform them... Must help, must assist, must act responsibly... Maybe looking like 'must convince them', but my motifs are as pure as a newborn and like, totally selfless :D

Also I'm allergic to stupid. That might be another nice text for a shirt. "Don't talk; I'm allergic to stupid." We could bulk order those.

Oh, and to round things off? Let's see if I can translate "Niveau sieht nur von unten wie Arroganz aus" into proper English: "Distinction looks like arrogance only when observed from outside."

Do you think that if I can somehow get closure on that part of my trauma, then I will stop charging headlong into these battles that are blips on the radar and making them into full scale nuclear war?

That trauma can never be closed because there's so much stupidity and lack of education out there, weh will be re-traumatised over and over and over again. Better to work on our radical acceptance and inner calm. Go Zen on the stupid. See it, acknowledge it, let it pass by. The cloud cannot stain the sky. Ommmmmmmmm...

 

[Muzikluvr]

Lol! "Watch what you say, I have Opinion Tourette's."

:laugh::D:pCaution! I have Opinion Tourette's:O_o: Disagree at your own Risk!:alien:

That trauma can never be closed because there's so much stupidity and lack of education out there, we will be re-traumatised over and over and over again. Better to work on our radical acceptance and inner calm. Go Zen on the stupid. See it, acknowledge it, let it pass by. The cloud cannot stain the sky. Ommmmmmmmm...

:)I know you're right. But, I don't think I can help myself:sneaky:... No worries, though.:tup: I'm still fighting the urge. :ninja:

I'm glad today went better, and look forward to reading about it!

Take care of yourself!

 

[jesse]

Thanks Freak for taking the time to write all that down-very intense! Sounds like you are really getting a lot out of it. Also sounds like the T may not be the best. It's their job to set the boundaries. It seems like you would make a good T have you ever thought about it? Especially since you can fully understand trauma having gone through it yourself.

 

[freakofnurture]

Tuesday was lacking in action. Ward round (which actually is more of a ward round-up) was nice caus I didn't have to talk. It was strange. I got the ball which signifies that it's my turn (out of my therapy group) and the head T asked me "Do you want to tell us how you're doing?"
I said: "I don't, but I guess I have to..."
She said: "No, if you don't want to, you don't have to."

I was like O.O and then I gave the ball to the next person. It was strange to be exempt from a bad thing that I thought was inevitable, just because I didn't want to. Someone was accepting a mere, naked 'I don't feel like it' as a reason. No further justifications needed, no arguments, my mere feelings were all the justification necessary. It felt otherworldly. It felt like running, expecting having to break through a wall and then finding that there's just a neat, even and free road ahead.

I felt nervous after that, stressed and unable to cope.

On Wednesday I had a long talk with my personal T. The main thing happening was that I talked a lot about my bad conscience after having stopped contact with my parents. After hearing me out and asking a number of questions the T asked me how I feld about the following sentence: "I am allowed to be understanding of my mother AND I am allowed to not have any contact with her."

The first half of it felt really good; free even. I have a deep need to be understanding of others, I don't even know why. But I bet it somehow connects back to me sh*tting my pants in fear of others actively disliking me. I currently feel like that's the be-all, end-all explanation for me in social situations.

The second half of the sentence is a given. It would be physically impossible for me to face my p*rents. Oh, look... I typed 'mother' without asterisk. Is that progress?

I decided that I like the sentence and put it on the pin board over my bed. I also wrote it on my left arm (with a ball pen; T reacted concerned, she thought I had carved it).

Today I had a short talk with my T. She asked how I was while the sentence was sinking in. I honestly don't know. My emotions can be really slow sometimes.

In Gestaltungs Therapy I made a figure out of clay and wire.

Ladies and Gentlemen, my mom:

Initially I wanted to continue by making my dad, but the T told me to rest first, and now I'm too scared, somehow. But I think it's good that I didn't do it (today). I didn't feel good after this first one, and I doubt that sculpting my dad will do me any better, emotionally.

Also sounds like the T may not be the best. It's their job to set the boundaries.

I actually talked to her today about how I feel like I'm often rambling and stealing time during group sessions. She said she sees that I'm effervescent and that I could talk basically indefinitely when a topic hits home, but she doesn't feel that I'm overstepping boundaries. Also, when I'm stopped by her or her colleague I don't act miffed but say 'sorry' and shut up, which - according to her - makes my rambling (which really never goes on for more than two or three minutes) a minor problem.

I don't feel any better about the whole thing now, but meh, whatever. Thing is, when I don't talk at all, I kick myself just the same afterwards. Finding a place in the middle between rants and silence... welllllllll... I'll have to practice that. A lot.

It seems like you would make a good T have you ever thought about it? Especially since you can fully understand trauma having gone through it yourself.

Psychotherapy was one of my earlier career ideas. I scratched it because if I had to stand people like me every day for hours on end I'd take a chainsaw to work after a year or two.

 

[KP the nut]

(((FoN)))

It was good to see your update. I've been thinking of you often.

Take care
KP

 

[freakofnurture]

Friday Another busy day, although there wasn't much going on, therapy-wise. We had Resource Group and it ended as a gush fest. Apparently having a psychological illness makes you instantly able to communicate with other psychologically ill people without using words, and you get an instant, deep understanding of any and all psychological states ever experienced by other people.

I wonder why we have all these partly severe problems when dealing with other people. Oh, yeah, it's because this is complete bullshit.

Also the group we currently have is totally unique, according to all members (except for me and the new women who joined us the same day and said the word 'good'; twice). They wanted to know if it is possible to have this exact treatment group again when they return to the clinic for another round of therapy. They also thought loudly about going on a vacation together.

This naiveté is as endearing to me as it is enraging. It's like watching kids becoming bffs4eva the evening after they first met on a camping trip.

I was asked if I felt excluded because I don't yet have this totally tight, intimate relationship with 'the group'. Luckily I was too distracted by other stuff going on in my head and couldn't articulate a reply. It wouldn't have been nice.

Although it would have been interesting to know how they react to someone refusing to partake in this group cohesion exercise after having complimented themselves for their ability to accept it when people need distance. Would the group in them win out, or their need for consistency?

After that I made my Dad out of clay. I painted him on Saturday morning.
Voilà:


His chest says: "You bitch. You're annoying. I wish I had jizzed you onto the wall and not into your mother!" He told me this to my face in these exact words in front of my mom and some of their friends.

On his back it says "Of integrity, hard working, open minded." Underneath is a list of the conspiration theories he buys into.

And here's my mom in colour (it's a first draft; there's a lot that doesn't feel right about this, still):


The rest of the weekend was pretty boring to any univolved observer.

 

[freakofnurture]

I don't feel like talking much today. Maybe tomorrow. We'll see.

 

[freakofnurture]

Spent my words on other threads today. See some pictures instead.

Here's the 'me' part of my little sculpture assembly. It doesn't resemble me physically, and I have to admit, I am quite thankful for that. But see for yourself :D

Side: Front: Interior:

And today I drew this to calm myself and cheer myself up. I like it a lot.

 

[ButterflyPEI]

You are very creative freak. I hope to be able to tap into that here. Right now, that part of me is dead. No imagination here at all. Hubbie and I fight about this all the time because he has a terrific imagination and I can not appreciate it because my mind doesn't go there! My doc says it could be because I didn't let my mind go there as a young girl.

Some people fantasize to escape trauma. Others develop a "foreshortened future" where they don't see life as anything that will last and they think only of dying and things ending. That was me. So i never explored creativity and imagination.

I truly admire yours! You are very talented.

 

[freakofnurture]

I hope to be able to tap into that here.

I'm sure you will find something for yourself (srsly, there are so many materials and techniques, one of them *will* fit you and get your creativity flowing). The collage you made was already a creative task and you had fun doing it, so there's your potential, right there :)

What I've noticed about myself - and I've heard many people say that, 'talented' and 'not so much' - that a work feels most right when you don't try to produce something that looks 'good', but just go with your feelings and let them express themselfs.

I 'tried' too hard with the head sculpture because - I think - the sculpture I initially wanted to make would have brought up too many negative feelings. So I fled into thinking and planning and trying. The mom and dad sculptures were just thrown together without any planning. There was just an initial image and I went from there by feeling and roughly forming the clay, painting whatever came to mind next, leaving 'good enough' alone, as well as 'stupid' and 'horrible'.

I truly admire yours! You are very talented.

Thank you :)

Though I'm sure you'll find your own creativity soon enough and then lose all respect for me because your stuff looks like just as much talent ;)

 

[freakofnurture]

Things are getting intense over here. I've started to feel small - physically small - on more and more occasions. It's a strange feeling becaus looking around things don't look any bigger. I feel a disconnect between how my body looks and how it feels. I have no idea what exact size age my perceived size would fit, but it's definitely prepubescent. My arms feel like sticks, my breasts feel out of place and when my husband attempted to sleep with me last night, it scared me.

Yesterday evening my husband and I watched the new X-Men movie and it annoyed the hell out of me. I can deal with the 'mutations' crap by just assuming that by 'mutations' they mean 'magical mutations'. But the schematic, unoriginal, stiff, boring story line? Unforgiveable. And all the 'inspirational' sh*te about 'As soon as something important depends on it you'll be able to access unknown powers inside you' made me angry. If things worked like this, no one would ever fail in critical situations. Oh, and that Banshee guy? Floating on your own sound pressure? Yeeeah, certainly... ô.o And not to forget that man-b*tch Prof. Dr. X. Xavier. That character's just not credible.

So, we watched that movie and I commented. After ~ 2/3 of the movie my husband snapped at me I should STFU or GTFO. It's not the first time this happened and on any other day I had replied: "Nuhnuhnuhnuhnuuuh!" and S'edTFU. But I've been on wobbly legs for most of the week already, so I felt deeply hurt by what he said, and mostly, how he said it. I started to cry, went to my room after a while and cried so hard that I nearly threw up three times. I wanted to call my husband's cell phone from my room to ask him why he didn't apologise and why didn't try to console me. I felt so left alone by him.

Accidentally I typed my best friend's number instead of his. So I talked to her a bit and it made me feel calmer and a lot less desparate. I then talked to my husband. He didn't realise that his comment made me cry (because it wouldn't have on most other days) and he didn't follow me because one time I told him that if I left he should just leave me alone, I'd calm myself and come back when I feel like it. He didn't realise that this only refers to situations in which I am angry.

I felt like a complete loser afterwards but when I had calmed my crying-headaches vanished.

I don't feel like going back to the clinic at all.

 

[The Albatross]

Just caught up on your thread.. loved your artwork. Thinking of you both and really glad you're sharing with us here. (((Hugs for you both)))