Help A Freak To Survive The Clinic

[freakofnurture]

I just changed my avatar. Not sure if I'll keep this one for longer, but the old one somehow didn't feel right anymore all of a sudden.

I'm working on acceptance, now. I just take myself as I am without any thoughts about if it's good or bad or healthy or how I need to change it. I'm practicing to just be okay the way I am. A bit strange, a bit derpy, but awwwwwlright.

I don't feel like a haunted kitty being hooked to the ceiling by some cruel people (right now). I feel like I'm the right way up. And in colour, dudes. Colour. It still feels very very new and alien and just not-used-to and I have no clue whatsoever what I am supposed to do, feel and think now, but I am the right way up.

And cute and cuddly. Just so you know. Kitty-kitty.

 

[ButterflyPEI]

Hi freakofnurture,

Glad to read that you are still working on your recovery. Are you still at the same clinic as an inpatient? How has your art been coming? You are so very creative!

 

[OKRADLAK]

(((((FON!!!!!))))))) I have missed you!!

Keep fighting. It's rough out here. You are so lucky to have extended care. Fight like hell. You are so creative and I hope you will really be helped.

Awesome that you are here again :)

((((((FON)))))

 

[freakofnurture]

@Butterfly: I'm in the same clinic I was last year, same ward, same therapist. My 'art' has been going pretty slow; I feel blocked or something. I don't know. But I've been knitting and sewing quite a lot.

 

[Philippa]

I was in the same boat with painting, for ages. Blocked or something. I think it's normal when you have stuff going on, and maybe sewing and knitting are more meditative activities that you need right now?

 

[freakofnurture]

@Philippa: Huh, you changed your avatar. Took me a second to compute that :)))

Knitting and sewing are pretty meditative, but I mostly listen to some podcast while I do it because I get bored easily these days. Shame on me.

 

[freakofnurture]

Ooooh dear.

I'm changing meds because of my total lack of motivation and energy. Long term side-effects of Trevilor can include both of those, plus it isn't known for working well on those with the intended effects.

Right now I'm down from 112.5mg Trevilor in the mornings plus 75mg in the evening to 37.5mg morning and evening.

Withdrawal-wise I haven't been feeling much. A bit of brain twitching every now and then, a bit of restlessness, but I sleep okay and I've finally stopped sweating so much *happy tears* BUT. Oh, is there a but. Depression? Hit me today like a ton of bricks. Anxiety? Was through the roof, is now non-existent because I am too depressed to feel anything else.

I don't know if it's a symptom of withdrawal or if I just plummeted back down to the level of depression/anxiety that my brain just produces when the aid of Trevilor is missing.

I cried through most of my therapy session today, had a hard time not crying during group therapy (no concrete reason, just a general feeling of despair)... I slept some hours, felt better afterwards, went down into the Gestaltung room, worked on a sculpture - then, when I came back into my room, bam! Depressive bricks everywhere. I feel emotionally sore. Like road rash over a completely smashed set of bones.

The new med I am supposed to dose up on is Zoloft. Sounds okay when it comes to side-effects, but with a whopping 20% response rate in PTSD patients (I'm not kidding) it would get no place on the market were it intended for any non-psychological disease. So, I was pretty lucky that Trevilor worked for me (I don't remember if its efficacy profile is any less ridiculous), and now I have to hope that I win the lottery once more.

I said I'm supposed to dose up, but I have been a naughty girl, not taking my pills. I want to go off of meds, even if it's just for a day or two. I want a day or two without psycho meds. I want to see how I feel without them. I'm not so sure if I really want to see it still... If tomorrow is as bad as today was, maybe I'll change my mind. I really don't want to put myself in the danger of getting so down that I don't see the point in taking meds anymore.

Anything else? *think think think* Nah. That's it. For now.

 

[freakofnurture]

Ah, I just love my new avatar. Those little eyes, this little paw, the little mad insanity you can actually see rattling behind that little furry forehead... *sighs*

I'm feeling so much better today than I did yesterday. You guys. It's ridiculous.

I was still rather anxious during the group sessions, but it didn't feel as bad. I don't know.

Today is the first day with only 37.5mg Trevilor in the morning. By Sunday I'll be off of meds completely. So excited! :D

Oh, also, I found my phone again and now I can take pictures of what I produced in Gestaltungstherapy. It's the long Zombie weekend ahead so I'll post on Tuesday, I guess.

 

[LizardViolet]

Hi, how d'ya do, supporter here newish to the forum, just wanted to say that I'm following your progress and I'm cheering for you here in the bleachers.

 

[Philippa]

@Philippa: Huh, you changed your avatar. Took me a second to compute that :)))

Yes indeedy.

That's actually me in the avatar. It was photoshopped by a friend...but my hair isn't dark anymore.

 

[freakofnurture]

That's actually me in the avatar.

Neat :)

I'm twitching. Went off meds completely one day earlier than I had planned, just because I could. Hah! But after two days off my brain is still twitching like crazy.

It really feels like my brain twitches and causes my eyes to jerk so that the image I see shakes for a fraction of a second, and I hear a sound that I can't quite describe; it's like my tinnitus, a rushing sound. I can't think right when I'm twitching, it distracts me but also seems to stop the current thought dead in its tracks. It makes it hard to keep my eyes open and is just overall exhausting. I don't know how many days I'll wait for it to stop on its own before I start taking the new med just to force it to stop (it works, I've already tried that).

My mood is pseudo-stable. I feel okay, but if provoked I'll tear up. My ability to focus and stay at a task haven't changed.

Aaaand that's it for today because twitch twitch twitch aaaarrrrgh...

 

[NIKI]

It really feels like my brain twitches and causes my eyes to jerk so that the image I see shakes for a fraction of a second

That same thing happened to me...took a few days to stop but it does stop.:)