Help A Newbie Out Please!

[berka]

Hello, for those of you I haven't talked too, I'm Berka :)

After a troubled life I've finally sought counciling to make the change. It's been amazing and we've finally gotten down to the bottom of it all. When I was 9 I was almost kidnapped. Long story short these people chased me in the woods in a van and I barely escaped. I remember turning around and making eye contact with one of the men who was reaching for me. His eyes were dead and it was like time froze. At that exact second everything stopped and it was like I literally checked out of life. I remember thinking that this wasn't how it was suppose to be and if these things would happen to me, I was DONE.

Ever since then I've had no desire to live or go on. There is just no point. I'm not being dramatic or emotional, I talk about it like I'm discussing the weather. My therapist says that a part of me is this trapped little girl and I need to find my 'voice' because those people took it. I'm 23 and I keep hoping I will cross this threshold and everything will be better and fixed.

Are these feelings normal??? Where do I find IT? I've searched for 14 years to fix it, but I always eventually lose hope in everything. I just don't see the point. That's not how life should be!

Anything would help!

Thank you!!!!

 

[Deleted member 5760]

Berka,

Hello and welcome - all I can offer is Ive 'seen that look' in someone's eyes. I saw it in my my friend's eyes right before he jumped - hence why I rushed downstairs to get help. It's like a vacant stare. There was just something about the look on his face that made me think 'there is no reasoning with you - I cant reason with YOU because you're not there'... and yes, its very haunting. I always used to watch Star Wars as a kid and think 'I think the worst enemy on earth would be darth vader - why? Because he's a machine. A robot - you cant appeal to the conscience of a machine. It doesn't have 'human reason'. I know that stare darling - its a very hard one to shake.

BUT - you do have a voice sweetheart. You have every right to move on with your life and forget that stare. Every reason to move on and be a happy and productive member of society. You exist! And that's reason enough in itself.

Welcome to the forum and blessings to you x