Help - Family Won't Keep It Private

[Ryn]

I have been on very shaky ground this week and now this is erupting. I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm currently in my first year of college. My depression began about a year and a half ago. In May, I finally told my parents because I needed help and therapy. They were supportive and eager to help me. I asked if they could promise not to tell anyone about this without asking my permission first... it was a huge step just to talk to them, I was so afraid to, but they promised they wouldn't tell a soul and would always ask my permission. We talked about a couple people, such as my brother and other family members, and decided upon the extent that each person would know. I was so grateful.

Fast forward a couple months, I find out my parents have blabbed to many, many people all the intimate and private details of my depression and self-harm. People I never would have told, ever. I confronted them. They apologised and promised they wouldn't do it again.

Couple months more. They break their promise again. This time they don't tell me, I find out. I confront them. They apologise again and promise again. I trust them like the stupid idiot I am.

Couple months more. I find out that an incredibly personal email of mine to a friend got sent to my mom. I am not angry at my friend for doing this - I was suicidal, she was terrified, and that was the only way she knew how to make my parents take me seriously. But my mom sent that email - INCREDIBLY personal - to a bunch of her friends. Every single detail of my anxiety and suicidal urges and depression and self-harm and EVERYTHING is completely exposed to all of my parents' friends. This time I don't confront them. I'm beginning to just feel like that's all I am good for - betraying.

Told my parents about the recovered memories of sexual abuse back in November. I didn't want to tell them, but my therapist thought it would be a good idea and kept pressing me until I finally gave in. I begged my parents, pleaded, was crying that they wouldn't tell anyone without my permission. I finally expressed how HURTFUL it was that they had continuously betrayed me in the past. They apologised. I made it very clear that I was totally okay with them seeing a therapist to deal with their own hurt from the situation, I gave them the go-ahead to talk to a therapist. And I said if there was any other particular person they wanted to talk to (pastor, close friend, etc) to just ASK ME and we could go from there. They promised. They promised. They sent me f'ing texts every day saying they were 100% supporting me and would respect my wishes.

I shouldn't have been snooping on my mom's computer, but... She told them. About the sexual abuse. All her friends. Friends I don't even know. People I will never feel safe around again because they know the details. And she sent an additional message asking them to please keep it confidential because "Ryn is very private and would be mad if she knew I told you, but this is so helpful for me to talk it out with you guys, so let's keep it a secret that I've told you". Masked in all this self-sacrifical-mother sh*t so that all her friends see her as this heroic suffering angel (just like she always wants) and me as some troubled object that they should be 'praying for'. Like this is my mom's trauma. Everything was always her trauma. Or should I say drama.

Helpful for you. Helpful for you?! I'm sorry, yes I know this is painful for you too, but *I am the one who suffered this*. Somewhere in that deluded narcissistic brain can't you see how damaging this is for me?! I was three years old. I was completely and utterly powerless. I am finally old enough and strong enough to be in control and you are taking that control right away from me and putting me, an adult, right back into the shoes of a child. I trusted you, I believed you because you're my parents, you're supposed to keep your promises, you're supposed to respect me and love me and help me. I wasn't being unfair; I told you to go to a therapist, and as far as telling other people I told you all you had to do was ask me. This is not your information to share. This is not your trauma.

Am I being reasonable? Please tell me I am not overreacting? Is it not normal to expect someone to respect your wishes on this?! I need an outside perspective on this because I can't stop blaming and hurting myself. One word from my mother can send me into a downward spiral of guilt faster than anything. Ever since I was a kid. Never felt good enough for her and 80% of my memories of her are being the family drama queen and demanding we all bow down and worship her. When all your life your mom claims she's such a great mother and has done nothing wrong and you're the one with the problem, it's only natural to believe it now.

It's putting me right back into the past. The powerlessness, the helplessness. The sense that adults must know best. That the adults are good, and I'm the bad one. That I have to obey and keep quiet or I'll get hurt. The vulnerability, the horrendous and sickening invasion of trust. And the feeling that I have to hide from everyone now because I am nothing more than a sex object and abuse victim in their eyes.

The worst of it? One of the people she told is the mother of another student on campus with me. College was my fresh start, it was the one place I could escape to to try to heal. The one place where people could see me for me, get to know me for me, not by my label. And now my entire past could get leaked out through this girl. I'm terrified. I feel so trapped and cornered. Like I'm not worth protecting, keeping promises to. I'm just worth being discarded and betrayed in favour of other people's needs. Like always.

Any opinions or insight are greatly appreciated. I'm so lost right now. :(

 

[FindingMyself88]

Wow your story is so much like mine. I'm too triggered to share right now but I will later. You are not being unreasonable. Take care of yourself!

 

[Echo]

@Ryn, I am so sorry this is happening to you. I believe this is exactly what is happening to me, too. But you know, I decided to give my parents one chance more to respect my boundaries. I wrote them a letter telling them what the consequences would be if they didn't respect my boundaries. And now I'm going to have to be tough enough to act on those consequences. Like your mum, it is all about my mum. Everything. She is always the victim in her way of thinking. If anyone does anything she doesn't like (my sister had children with someone of a different race, for instance), it is all done to annoy, upset or inconvenience her. It is no wonder we have been trained to be abused. How could we hold our own boundaries, if they were never, never respected by our parents?

I feel I'm going to have to cut them out of my life. It kills me, even though they are, in fact, my abusers. I still love them; there have been good times, too. How would it feel to you to let them see the full consequences of their actions? I think they just think they are somehow an exception to the rule. That it is ok to gossip stuff around, because they get everyone else to 'promise' they won't tell either. And yet they all tell and no confidence is kept at all. They may as well hold up a blue flashing neon sign. They think they are doing it with love; but that ain't love.

In the end, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It doesn't matter what anyone else says. What matters is what we think about ourselves and our self-talk is crucial. If we believe we have done nothing wrong, that we are good people, then all the gossip in the world is meaningless. I started out thinking I would have to dictate who could know what and I quickly realised I was never going to be able to control anyone. What it all shows me, however, is who is worthy of my trust. And I have decided that no-one gets to be in my life if they abuse my boundaries consistently, if they prove themselves to be unworthy of my trust. And I refuse to be ashamed of my abuse and rape ANY LONGER. It is not my fault; and it is NOT YOUR FAULT what happened to you either. Rise above it, keep believing in yourself and don't let them drag you down. It is their loss, not yours.

 

[OneLittleBirdie]

I'm a supporter, not a sufferer, so first I'm going to offer you a big safe hug, if you'd like one.

I can see from your perspective, that safety is your #1 priority, and that you feel you've lost that, and hence your anger/sadness/fear. Right now you need to meet your own safety needs, first. I get the inkling from your post that your relationship with your mother is NOT a safe one.

I do want to share with you a few thoughts, that go through my head as a supporter, that hopefully you'll find helpful, and not antagonizing:
- I've had a few close friends, and some non-close aquaintances share their stories of what caused their PTSD. In each case, i did not view them as a victim, but as a survivor, and I've felt very proud of them for being able to share their story, even if it was only in little bits and pieces. But I haven't labeled them as 'victims', thats just a TEENY piece of who they are. Even if "that experience" formed a large part of their life, its not all they are. I still hang out with them, go for coffee, and while I want them to find peace from the bits they are still struggling with, I'm NOT focussing on pitying them or labeling them. I'm just enjoying their company, learning about their hobbies, goals, etc. Few people have a perfect life, many people have different struggles, so I listen compassionately if they share, but I don't let it define them.

- As a supporter, we can't experience your trauma, but it does have an effect on us. For parents, they may feel guilty they didn't prevent the abuse. Supporters can struggle with 'giving you space and support', and then feeling alienated/lonely/worried as you try to heal, make progress, etc and we can still see you suffering. If we care about you, your suffering also causes US suffering, albeit of a different sort. For me, I've experienced moments when the time between counsellor appointments feels insufferable, and I NEED to talk to someone because I feel completely alone. My sufferer is so overwhelmed that I can't turn to them for support, and my counsellor won't talk to me unless I'm paying her. So I either suffer alone (falling into my own depression, which inevitably hurts my relationship with my sufferer), or I see if there's anyone I can turn to.
So trying to balance the sufferer's wishes, and our own need to seek comfort may conflict. But I'm not saying what your parents did is right. A friend once tried explained to me "people always choose the option likely to cause THEMSELF the least amount of pain" - it doesn't exonerate perceived 'bad' behavior, but sometimes it can help explain it.

Please take care of yourself, as I bet there are people in this world glad for your existence. Unfortunately, you can't undo your parents betrayal of trust, or prevent them from sharing it in the future, but you can set VERY FIRM boundaries going forward. Please don't be tempted to try and 'punish' or set ultimatums - those forms of control rarely work, and more often just cause further problems in a relationship. In your case, it may be best that you don't share further information about your healing journey with them. If you do not give them information, they cannot betray your trust, and you will feel more 'safe'.

Best hope for the future,
OneLittleBirdie

 

[FindingMyself88]

Ok, I am going to try and do this.. I just TODAY talked with my therapist about the very same thing, so I was triggered and then saw this. Your story (while trauma may be different) about your struggles with your mom mirror my own. My whole life has been spent walking on eggshells around my mom. In front of others, she portrays this wonderful, loving, and sacrificial mom. Behind closed doors, she is verbally, mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abusive. My real dad (mom divorced him when I was 18 months old) physically abused me and his wife sexually abused me. They also tried kidnapping me, and it was just bad. My mom looked like the hero, even to me until I got older. I remember one particular time after my real dad and his now ex wife got into such a violent fight that he pulled a gun on her and cops were called, I BEGGED and pleaded and sobbed at my mom's knees not to make me go back the next weekend. She didn't comfort me with "I wish there was something I could do, its going to be okay, etc…". No, instead she said in a not so sweet tone "Do you want me to go to jail for contempt of court?". Yeah. It was all about her. Then when I was 12 I was raped by my cousin, her nephew. I never told her the full details, just that he "touched" me. My stepdad (thank God for him) forced us to lose contact with that whole family until my Uncle was dying. My mom always blamed me for the years she lost with her brother. The stories could go on and on. It got worse as I got older. I battled anxiety as a child due to custody issues and the abuse. As a teenager I battled depression which led into young adulthood and restarted anxiety.

Anyways, Summer of 2013 I ended up with a severe head injury. Busted my head open on a brick wall, cracked my skull, and hit an artery. This caused major health issues that I am still recovering from. Around August, I was put in hospital for inter-cranial head pressure. My mom ended up staying with me for almost 2 months. After this head injury, I started having nightmares and reliving the abuse and rape. My mom was sleeping with me due to health reasons and would experience the nightmares. She forced me to bring it up to my doctor (she knew I was in counseling as well) and my doctor asked if I had experienced trauma when I was younger. Of course my jumps into heroic mom mood and explains her torment at having seen me go through what I did. I too have told my mom to seek therapy, but she insists there is nothing wrong with her. Long story short, she was here when I was diagnosed with PTSD. Same as you, I begged my mom not to tell people without my permission. She tells me she won't, but why would she pass up an opportunity to tell everyone what she is having to do for her poor victimized daughter.

My T today encouraged me to talk to my mom again about not telling people, but its already too late. She has told so many people. Most of them I didn't want knowing, and the ones I did I wanted to tell them myself. You are not being irrational, I understand completely. If you're like me, you don't want people seeing only the abuse and PTSD. Plus it's very invalidating when your mom makes it all about herself.

(((((hugs))))) if you want. It's hard dealing with the trauma, much less dealing with someone trying to make it about them. Please take care of yourself.

 

[mytai]

Am I being reasonable? Please tell me I am not overreacting? Is it not normal to expect someone to respect your wishes on this?!

@Ryn, lots of giant, safe hugs if you want them. You ARE being reasonable. You are NOT overreacting. It is normal to expect someone to respect your wishes on this.

For different reasons, I chose not to share anything recent about my abuse with my parents. My parents (mainly my mum) made a choice a long time ago not to be supportive to me, and it hurt, a lot, and still does. It hurts every time someone asks why my family can't be a support system. It's not about them, and when they know, it turns into about them. Then the hurtful comments (whether intentional or not) come, and I get into a very dark place. So for me, despite what others think, it is not good for me to involve my parents or family. It is best to keep that private from them.

That may be the case for you, only you know what is best in this situation, don't let a therapist who hasn't lived in your life make that decision for you. Clearly they have no idea what effect it has on you, or they wouldn't suggest it. My T asked me why I won't talk to my family about this, and she respects my decision (whether she agrees with it or not, she doesn't push her opinion on me). She understands why I chose not to involve them, and doesn't try to convince me otherwise. For me, I'm protecting myself from hurt by not telling my family.

If you need to talk or ask questions, I'm here. Don't feel like you can't because of what I'm dealing with. Support goes both ways.

 

[Justmehere]

@Ryn
Oh that is terrible! I don't have any advice - I can only say that I would be completely freaking out too.

I can tell you too that a bad therapist leaked details of my self harm to my family directly and it was a disaster because my family told others too... And I never thought I would ever get past it. I did. It did get a lot better.

I totally understand your fear that the girl at your school won knows will tell others. I think you will find college students don't care as much. A recent study showed that 1 in 5 college students struggle with self injury at some point. It's less... sensational... for them to even know. It's not as juicy of gossip or something people in college tend to handle like your parents did. I do hope most college students would also have the respect to keep that kind of gossip about childhood trauma private too... I know that doesn't really reduce how wrong and terrifying this is. But I do hope you have not lost the fresh start you hoped for.

So so sorry this happened to you.

 

[Starlightdreamer]

If you need to talk or ask questions, I'm here. Don't feel like you can't because of what I'm dealing with. Support goes both ways.

That is one of the most beautiful sentiments I've ever seen

 

[Starlightdreamer]

@Ryn I'm so sorry. I know what it is like to be betrayed multiple times. Sending you, if wanted, many gentle hugs and prayers.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Let's just say that in the parental lottery, you lost big time. My parents are no saints, and they've made mistakes along the way regarding my sexual abuse (at age 4, not disclosed until age 29), but in the end they have my back.

Oh your poor poor mother, having to deal with the horror of having an abused child. Gee, didn't you know that it's worse to have a child who was abused as opposed to being that abused child? Sorry this smacks of extreme sarcasm, but your parents piss me off. It's YOUR secret (private info, whatever you want to call it) and I don't care if they're having issues dealing with it. That doesn't give them the right to tell everyone....or anyone for that matter! Telling one person in confidence would be forgivable, but your parents told anyone and everyone who would listen. So not cool.

Do you want to know how more normal-ish parents react to the news of hearing that their child has been abused? Part of it is EXTREME anger. That is, wanting the perpetrator to suffer in the most horrible way imaginable. But, if your parents are narcissistic, of course this step in healing is bypassed (as are most others) because it's all "me me me me, how does this affect ME?!?" No getting mad, no mamma bear protecting her baby cubs (even if they're adult cubs). It's all about THEM. They have no concern for you or your well being. They are putting themselves first.

I don't think they will ever change. I think you may have to cut them off, at least partially, if you want to heal. A big part of healing is feeling safe and your parents continue to violate you with their lies.

 

[scout86]

I think you have a perfect right to expect people to keep their promises. We all have to figure out what our boundaries are. These days, I tell people they get to lie to me once. That's it. No second chances, no way, no how. Your folks have burned through more than their fair share of chances, IMO. BTW, my therapist tells me that it's possible to "divorce" your biological family and I deeply believe sometimes that's the only reasonable choice.

Now, about damage control. There IS a chance that the mother of your fellow student didn't share any information. Beyond that, difficult as this is, just ignore who knows what and live your life. If there are people who judge you unfairly because of this.... I can think of a few things to say about them, but I don't think anything I'm coming up with is appropriate for here. Just know that it's on THEM, not you. You didn't ask to be in this situation. You are doing the best you can to deal with it. End of story. People need to mind their own business. The awkwardness will wear off and it will wear off faster if you rise above it. (Or avoid it, if you're in to avoidance. :cautious:)

OneLittleBirdie gave a perspective I wouldn't have thought of. Obviously, not EVERYONE is a problem! :)

BTW, I made the mistake ( and it WAS a mistake!) of telling my parents about what happened to me. Actually, all I did was tell them THAT something happened. There was an explosion of dismay and lamentation about how awful they felt. I resorted to my long time fall back position of telling them it was no big deal and I was fine, just to shut them up. We've never discussed it again. It's like it never happened. Solara, until I read what you just wrote, it hadn't occurred to me that the scenario I experienced was at all odd. Good to know!

Hang in there Ryn & ride it out.

 

[Ryn]

Wow. Thank you all so so much. I'm so glad to hear I'm not alone in this, and you all have lots of wisdom to offer here. I wish I had time to reply to all of you! :)

As far as going forward, I know a big part of it is just taking things one step at a time. I can't do anything drastic right now like cut them off or start a big confrontation, nor do I want to do that... I know I must've come off really frustrated and upset, which I am, but deep down I do believe my parents love me and are trying to help me, at least to some extent. Some of their motives and reactions are all twisted and they've hurt me a lot, but I believe there's good intentions somewhere in there. I don't know. I'm doubting myself for even that, I'm doubting myself in general lately, but that's what I feel deep down. I think the benefits outweigh the consequences of choosing to stay connected to them, and especially my brother and my extended family to whom I am very close. But certainly some boundaries are necessary.

At this point I know I can't control what I've already told, but I'm sure as hell not telling them any more. I made a good step a few weeks back - they wanted to meet for family sessions with my therapist and me, they pressured me and pressured me and tried so many guilt trips hiding under caring exteriors. But I refused - I was scared to say no to them, I spent a whole therapy session trembling at the concept of "disobeying", but eventually I was able to put my foot down. They tried to come in from different angles - they wanted to start seeing my therapist alone, they wanted me to tell them more, they wanted reasons. Said this affected them just as much as me, that this was a family issue - I kept refusing. They finally backed down while acting like loving martyrs (mostly my mother). I still feel pangs of guilt when I think about how I said no, but I know it was the right thing to do.

It's really reassuring for me (though my heart goes out to you all!) to read your stories. I feel like I was raised in a bit of an odd bubble where for some reason, all of my friends were incredibly, incredibly close with their mothers and (according to my mom) I was the "selfish," "prideful" freak who "refused to bond" with mine. I have many years of guilt for this... hating my quiet self, my introverted personality, my fear of touch and trust and intimacy. My therapist is trying to reassure me that having a very close bond with your mom and your parents in general is great, but quite rare. Like scout86 said, it's funny how you never realise your situation is odd until you get an outside perspective!

Realising I've been massively starving and overworking myself the past few days because of this... For so many years I remember my mother yelling at me to go get exercise because I was a "lazy useless daughter", dragging me on a hike with her because that's what a friend and her daughter do to bond, screaming raging, tearful anger because I "hated her", cussing me out for wanting to listen to my iPod and walk in quiet than tell her all my deepest secrets, giving me the silent treatment for forgetting to exercise, punishing me for eating too much, endless lectures of how I needed to lose weight and I was going to get so fat and the rest of my life was going to suck because of my weight, and I'd thank her someday (I have never been clinically overweight). I lived with it for so long that I've just assumed she's right. I cut myself for a B+ on an exam the other day, because I know she would be ashamed if I got less than an A. I've been told I am lazy and fat and prideful my whole life - is it any wonder I feel I deserve to deprive myself of rest and food and human company?

Sorry for the rant. I still just can't believe they betrayed me like this - and at the same time, I don't know how I believed they wouldn't. :(