Help.. Huge Decision

[Md_Man]

Hello,

I have posted on here once before, I am however still seeing my counselor, but recently it has switched to marital problems again..

I am stuck, I went from 120k+ a year salary as a defense contractor (Comfortable living, kids have everything they needed,wife was stay at home mom, etc..to me, the American Dream)

I am now 1 year out of work, had to file bankruptcy, my clearance is in adjudication limbo due to finances, I am so poor I have to file bankruptcy Pro-Se, just to hold off collectors even.

I recently took a position at $9 a hour at a hardware chain unloading trucks, I havent even started yet, but, I just can't even bare being away from my family.. I really feel I need to go on Social Security disability to try and save some face financially with my family. I would get substantially more from SSDI (if approved) then from the $9 a hour or even the unemployment I have received for the last (almost) year

It is so immasculating, (sp) I feel a failure, I have kept 99% of this from my wife and obviously from my kids, partly because my work was highly cleared.

I literally have to take Xanax and Ambien to possibly sleep through the night and not wake up in the middle of the night to flashbacks, etc panic attacks, etc.

The Financial stress ontop of the PTSD is killing me, If I did not have a family and religious beliefs I would have eaten a bullet a year ago.(Im not Suicidle)

What does everyone here think? can I work a PT job to help ends meet while applying for SSDI? Even if its literally killing me and I will likely have to be hopped up on Xanax to be able to cope with being away from my home and loved ones?

Can anyone refer me to anyplace as a resource for SSDI and PTSD? or any financial assistance during the wait? I have literally lost all pride over the last year, I go to food pantrys, etc. as with nearly $400 a week unemployment I only qualify for $180 in foodstamps a month for my family (3 of us now oldest is in college youngest 1st grade)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Can you work and apply?

No. Working proves that you can in fact work. You would have no substantial reason for approval, even though you are suffering. Well technically I guess you could work and apply, but you'd be denied. There are a lot of people who don't work/can't work and they are denied. As it is, only about 25% of people are approved on the first go-round. (I'm not saying that to scare you, rather to say put your ducks in a row when you apply.)

Best case scenario, you're approved on the first go round and you'll start receiving benefits in six months. This is what happened to me, but my disability date was actually a year and a half prior so I had essentially eaten up my wait time and my payments started the month after which I was approved. (By wait time i mean the time between when you're approved and when you can start receiving money.)

Worst case scenario, you're denied and have to hire a lawyer, and it drags out for five years. (Yes, I've heard of the extended battles.)

I received state aid in the few months before I was approved for SSDI. I'm not sure if anything else is available.

I guess I'm a bit worried that SSDI is about saving face with your family, whom you've been hiding all of this from.

Are you in therapy?

 

[therapybankrupt]

See if you can get a social worker to help you If you find it impossible to work. She went with me to everything. I did and was approved first time out .I was a mess. The six months they hold you get back in a lump sum check. Cognitive functioning lower percentile for my age an gender. I was a teacher. I agree with Solara that most have to obtain a lawyer for a second go.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Having your faith WILL save you, even when it seems impossible!

I am wondering, what it your disability, and how long have you had it. To get SSDI one must have a well-documented disability with medical records to prove it.

My heart goes out to you, carrying this burden, and keeping it from your family. It will become obvious at some point, and you may wish you had told them. I suggest that you tell them, even through the tears that will fall. You need their loving support! Surely they are aware that you are 'different' because it is hard to hide such suffering.

This time in your life will be the time that you will rely on God more than ever before. I hope that you have a good pastor, or mentor, who can help you through this spiritually. I completely believe that "if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it". There will be times you cannot feel him, but He is there!!

Blessings & prayers being sent to you!

 

[jesse]

What about accepting honestly what your limitations are and making a decision based on that? Not on pride or fear of what others may think. You obviously are very talented just had a really, really bad run of misfortune it sounds like. Why not accept the help that is available to you through SSDI and you can always get better and stop collecting right? What is wrong with giving yourself a break and time to heal?

 

[Md_Man]

Some of the flashbacks are for thing all the way back in 2002-2003. I drank a lot in the years after and just thought I was "Cocky" my wife always said I needed medication, but I was against it, partly fear of having to divulge that to the "Agency" and fear of losing my clerance/livelyhood in my area of work lets say "Analysis" there isnt much work in the private sector for a purely intel guy.

I stopped drinking about 2 years ago and started having issues, myself and my wife where in counseling, I never brought this up. I have continued seeing the counselor and have recently brought it up to her, which she says explains alot. I have also told my wife who I have not told about my fears of leaving the home to work, etc. obviously.. my kids know nothing.. my wife only really knows I have a horrible time trying to sleep and often (5 time a week at least) wake up with panic attacks, visions so vivid I can feel the air from the air handlers that day.. its like being on LSD.

 

[jesse]

I am sorry you are going through that right now. Hugs.

 

[Md_Man]

Sorry for the two responses, as I was typing I didnt realize it was my little ones bed time.

Honestly for years I thought I had PTSD, but thought they only classified it as PTSD if you where in the Military, not a civilian contractor witnessing everything by satellite and making those systems which found the bad guys. I have very vivid visions and flashbacks of "Collateral Damage" women, children which I witnessed bad things happen to as it was believed bad guys where there too..

My fear is two fold,

1) the more I talk about it the worse it getting, Because I guess I have had alot of it locked away
2) In my line of work saying you have PTSD is a huge no-no, I do not know of anyone who has kept their clearance after PTSD treatment. and honestly I dont know if anyone could do the work after being through PTSD..

I just feel worthless, I feel screwed if I do, screwed if I dont and not to sound macho, but, if I could just suck it up and keep going for my family I would sacrifice myself for their welfare....

I have renewed my faith in the last year, and talk with my pastor regulary, I also pray daily for help on this.. I am just at a loss, scare of doing anything it seems.. and I dont want to say too much as some of the things are classified still.. so how can I discuss that with a counselor...

 

[jesse]

People must get PTSD all the time in your line of work from what you describe you are exposed to. The feds are a pain to get disability through work comp because unless you have a ton of S/L you may be on LWOP for awhile. That said your disability should be 80% your salary tax free. It would be worth it and if people act like it is taboo they are fooling themselves and probably are sufferers too. If you are in intel and you tell them you need help but can't keep clearance etc they may secretly want you to choose the disability route...

 

[jesse]

They are probably monitoring your computer and know anyway..

 

[Md_Man]

I am not currently active in the Intel community, my company I was with lost their contract last Aug, I was holding on with them for a new one and then laid off, I then started having severe flashbacks (still do) and lots of other issues, I am always paranoid about my family, where they are, if my wife would be cheating on me, etc. (my wife is a sweatheart and loves me like no tomorrow) but lets face it Im a wreck, is she really here for better or worse? (questions I ask myself often)

So, I was out on severance billed piled up and my clearance is on hold I am currently in Chapter 7 bankruptcy (due in part to a failed marriage and foreclosed home as well as the lay off) but during chapter 7 since I was not active at the time of filing, they will not reinstate atleast until its discharged. (from DSS themselves)

I can't comment on your second comment.. but I did chuckle.. (either answer is a answer)

But from my 120k+ salary I just got hired for a 9$ a hr pt job unloading trucks at a national chain hardware store.. its slightly more then unemployment now.. start next week..

 

[Md_Man]

Also as asked above, I was Diagnosed by my therapist because I was seeing her for depression after marriage counseling, a few months ago, the nightmares, insomnia, etc started once I thought I would never work in the cleared world again, I guess part of that let my brain think it was OK to talk about now, I always have known it was a issue, and had flashbacks, anxiety, etc. but with working, I just kept busy and exposed to more and more.. I have not had a solid nights sleep since January of this year and that is with now taking Xanax, Ambien, etc (usually .5mgs of Xanax (two .25mgs) and 10 mgs of Ambien sometimes 20mgs, ) but I always wake up at least one or two times usually for a few hours of anxiety, to a full blown panic attack then Xanax and back to sleep hopefully.. which leads to tired and very grumpy me in the morning.

I'm literally falling apart at the seems, I know I need to do the SSDI but if I quit this 9$ a hour job and have to wait 6+ months, I will likely be homeless...

It's so bad with the insomnia, I a total against drug person (except maybe marijuana for cancer, etc) have considered, and contemplated, getting some marijuana to see if that helps me sleep, but that too would mean Bye-Bye clearance I take polygraphs not drug tests, and I am unsure why they are inadmissable in criminal court but it works for these guys.. and I wouldnt lie about it anyway on official papers.

see my dilema?