Relationship Help..... I Dont Know What To Do

[christine12]

Yesterday I spent the day with the guy I am dating (PTSD combat sufferer) we had one of the best days ...we just hung out and laughed and we walked talked hugged, kissed and was just great expressions of how much we cared for one another.

He took me to the Veterans cemetery where his grand father and grand-mom are buried, felt like he opened up and shared something with me that was sentimental and significant to him.

After we left each other and into later on in the evening while I was at work we were texting and having a conversation and I expressed that I want to be in a relationship with him, I want what the feeling that its just him and me and share parts of our lives like family and our kids .... etc... His reaction was he didn't want to hurt me ...that's his biggest fear, I asked him how would he hurt me, his reply, I already have with certain comments or his lack of emotions as a PTSD sufferer. He says that his past relationships that haven't been successful , they voiced the same concerns I have brought up and he doesn't want to cause me pain..

My question or really dilemma is my heart is already in this , and I dont wanna walk away.....I know even though he can't express himself with words. I feel it every time we are together, I feel how much he cares ..... What do I do what do I say? What should I do ?????

My heart hurts and my head is spinning any help is appreciated.

 

[kabeh394]

I can only tell you I have been where you are. I was in a relationship with a man who didn't know he was suffering, and although he didn't have any nightmares, he did have a blackout in 2008, and there were other symptoms I later realized. Small things like forgetfulness, an everyday occurrence for many, but forgetting the same thing over and over. My sufferer struggled with not knowing his way (even to our bank) in a town we lived in for 2 years. He was very sweet, and I guess I just always attributed his forgetfulness to his laxie daisy nature to "not sweat the small stuff".

He ended our relationship very abruptly, without provocation, apology, or explanation. He literally closed every door and every emotional tie as well as abandoned every joint financial obligation. He became physically violent, explosive, and physically abusive. I know what you're thinking, "that won't happen". I thought that too!

As you read and learn that although every story is different, there are many unique parallels. Is your sufferer stable? Is he seeing a therapist? Have you done any research? It's a good idea for you to seek counseling as well (not because you are ill (although I would question why you would choose to enter a relationship with a mental illness of this magnitude especially after he warned you it was not the best idea in the world) but because you will need support, and tools and information, lots of information...

I know I didn't say what you want to hear, I told you what I wish somebody had said to me! I hope this helps and Good luck to you both!

 

[The Hermit King]

Just tell him you know going into this that he has PTSD and that you want to be with him regardless. You will have to understand too that PTSD is like a roller coaster and you gotta have thick skin or you might very well end up feeling sad and lonely all the time being with someone with PTSD. You will have to try and feel out the situation too, maybe he feels the same for you but it's too soon for him to attach any kind of label to your relationship, if thats the case simply backing off a bit and let things coast along might be best. I mean if things are going good right now then let them keep going good.

I am not saying let the guy string you along though either. If it starts to feel like that is what's happening then you would be wise to just cut your losses and get out while the gettings good before either of you get too overly attached. I think you are awesome just because you don't care he has PTSD. I just made a post recently claiming that women like you did not exist. So you have proved me wrong. Also if this guy has not got some kind of handle on his symptoms with the PTSD then I can tell you that it is not you and all him if the relationship doesn't get off the ground.

 

[The Hermit King]

Is your sufferer stable?

Yeah that is a REALLY important question. I have been living with combat PTSD for nearly ten years now and have basically got my stuff locked down. Most people would not have a clue I even have PTSD if I didn't end up having to explain my extreme anti-social hermit tendencies. That is why my last relationship ended after three years, because I am so anti-social. On the other hand though I am not violent whatsoever and I put a lid on the depression thing years back. I am what you would consider very stable for my condition. My biggest problem is the social anxiety I just cant seem to beat it.

Anyway I got into a relationship literally right when I got back from Iraq in 2004. That was the worst thing I could have done, this girl was very in love with me but I was just so unstable at that point that we were doomed from the start. I was like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. And she suffered through two years of stress with me and in the end I left her, but years later I contacted her and apologized. She is married now and has kids and is very happy. Anyway I am getting carried away, the point is kabeh394 asked the most important question of all and you need to have a clear answer before you go any further.

 

[Bilby]

I think too, it is important to know whether he is getting the professional help that he needs. As much as you care for him, there will be professional support and guidance that he will need to seek - and it's super important that he recognises this and treats it as a priority in his life.

I think it's important that you educate yourself about the beastie that is PTSD. It's something that I wish that I had done before now. You need to know whether you are able to cope as a support person, and have support around you too. Go into this with your eyes wide open.

If you feel confident in what I've just mentioned - let him know that you care, and that you choose him. I emphasise these last three words as they are important. He hasn't chosen PTSD, and he undoubtedly does not feel good within himself for many, many reasons - but the fact that you DO choose him despite these things is a big thing to hear.

Over9000 has made some extremely good points - and it is always great to hear from someone who has PTSD and their view point on these issues. So I hope you are able to take on board what he has said and hopefully find some of that, and this post, useful.

All the very best :)

B x

 

[christine12]

Thank you for commenting on my Question and need of Help. Kabeh394 the fuy that i am dating goes to veterans clinic and does counseling sessions there every week, he is aware of his PTSD and he is very knowledgeable and has warned me on things that he feels is important. He has asked for me to go seek counseling join groups , which is one reason I am on here because of his requests I learn more and become more knowledgeable about PTSD. He is a Great Guy and I really like him alot and that scares me some because I do because I dont want to be hurt and I know there is a possibility.

Over9000 I really appreciate the fact that you commented with you thoughts and perspective it always puts a diffrent outlook on things when you listen to a sufferer of PTSD. I know that things are going good with him and I but it seems as if he is hesitant about committing to a relationship because of his past relationships and because of his illness. I on the other hand want a relationship because I dont want to keep going on and we dont have a understanding of sorts of what this really is, I guess I wan confirmation for myself so I feel better, sounds selfish but I am all about clarity. I get he needs alone time and that he is anti-socail and that doesnt necessary bother me because I have experienced that myself. I just want to be a part of his little circle and his life, I also realize that maybe he doesnt know how to take me maybe he doesnt know how to except someone like me. I dont discriminate because a person has a illness because there is a reason behind it he didnt wish it upon hisself. Over9000 I appreciate that fact that I was able to prove you wrong on the fact that there is still women out here like me and that PTSD doesnt define you , it may affect you but it doesnt make you who you are.

Bilby thank you for commenting on my thread as well all advice to me is greatly appreciated, I think your comment on tell him "I choose him" is wonderful and I think I might need to use that , I just wonder how do I make him realize that its not all about him I am a big girl and I did make a choice and I want to be with him. Yeah it sucks that he doesnt have the same emotions I have or doesnt express verably how he feels to me, but I do atleast get to see it and feel it when we are together. I just really dont know how I can get him to see that if I am imprtant enough and he wants to be with me than we will deal with his PTSD together and I will continue to learn all I can to survive and nuture the (possible ) relationship....

#Confused

 

[Bilby]

Perhaps it is through actions, rather than words sometimes - on both your parts, Christine. It sounds as though he is demonstrating to you how he feels, but he is unable to verbalise it. But you know what? To be able to feel the love is a very powerful thing on it's own.

With respect to using actions rather than words - perhaps you can demonstrate your feelings by (gently) asking a few questions about things that are triggers for him that you should be aware of (and be aware that he may not even want to discuss this, but it's worth the offer) and trying to be mindful and aware of those things. Be respectful of the need for space (mind you, I struggle with this, I feel avoided somehow) and try not to force things. Try to just go with the flow and let yourselves both try and relax and ease yourselves into what comes next.

Of course, this is easier said than done - I appreciate that and I admit that there are things here that I struggle with and am trying to work on myself!

 

[christine12]

Bilby I think wht you have said makes alot of sence and i appreciate the input, I think actions do sometimes speak louder than words. I guess I wanna know where I stand oddly enough its like I have to hear it verbally in order for me to accept (wierd I know trying to work on that). I am getting to understand the whole concept of space and it is wanted when it is wanted and i have respected that. I try to not text or call during that time. I am trying to relax and just take my time but it is difficult.

 

[99Phoenix99]

Christine12,

You're such a kind person!

I've read through this and I just needed to add my 2 cents. This past March I had a BF and well... the whole time I was very confused. My PTSD esentially surfaced its angry face to affect my daily life for the first time then. And I felt terrible the whole time I was with him because I couldn't give him what he wanted from a relationship. I liked him. I really liked him. But I just couldn't. And I felt wretched.

Since then I've learned that for the moment... I'm just NOT capable of a relationship. I'm still coming to terms with my PTSD. It's very confusing. And it ... well just to be point blank sometimes it feels like you only drag people down with you. And your greatest fear is that you'll drag someone you REALLY LIKE down with you. You'd rather have them happy even if it means not with you, because living with the guilt that you make some unhappy is terrible. And well... that's one of the reasons I keep people at a distance at times. Even if I really want someone in my life, I won't let it happen because I know it just won't work out with where I am right now.

From everything you've mentioned it sounds like he IS willing and ready for a relationship, he's just.... he's worried. The fact that he's been so open about PTSD is a good sign. As is his telling you to join a group. He wants YOU to have support while you support him. He's thinking about your well being quite a bit.

I'm not trying to say that is EXACTLY what he's feeling. I couldn't possibly say that. But from my stand point and experience that's what it sounds like. I hope this at least helped even a little bit.

I'm really pulling for you because it sounds like you two have something. You're both very considerate towards one another and that's a beautiful thing :)

Also @ Over9000 ... I love your user name hahhah for some reason I never expected to see a DBZ reference on this site lol

 

[celia]

Hello,

I'm dealing with the aftermath of what Christine12 is going into. I was convinced that my man was "THE ONE", he convinced me I was the only woman he ever loved and wanted me by his side always. As of 5 months ago....I'm left reading the cards, old emails, looking at pictures over and over and asking myself if it was all a lie.

He left me, there were signs along the way , all of the above symptoms (detachment, mood swings, isolation, blame, anger ) then there were days when the good outweighed the bad. I became absolutely emotionally attached to him and would have given everything for him.

It is the sad truth, that if you care too much for them, you begin living in their mindset too. Forgetting about yourself, always wondering why, isolating from family and friends because they don't know about PTSD and see it as abuse,blaming myself over and over for what I shoulda coulda done or said.

I started living for his happiness, afraid to make any wrong moves. I was losing myself.

He left on deployment in May, promising me he would return...to please wait, that he wanted to be with me and nowhere else in the world, engagement upon his return, vacation, all of what a woman dreams of. I believed him.

Then 3 days into his deployment everything changed...he accused me of cheating on him (FALSE), told me he was unhappy with the relationship, that I'm a detriment to his well-being, that he is so happy that he caught himself before he made the mistake and close call of actually proposing to me. The worst and most awful things anyone in love can hear. He cut off all contact with me. He returned home in September and didn't contact me.

I visited his home a week after he got back out of concern, worry, and wanting to talk face to face....While he was gone I was hopeful we could work things out and didn't truly believe he would ever think I betrayed him. I've been his best friend. I tried to change for him. I did things like eliminate alcohol from my life as it aggravated our relationship when we drank together, I started Bikram yoga, wanted to make him proud while he was away. Well, when I showed up, he told me he hated my guts, he wanted to crush me, that he didn't even want to be home, that I'm a trader and to leave his property or he was going to call the police.

I'm left with no answers....just absolute extreme sadness over losing the love of my life. Its like I'm in a very scary movie. I've been blaming myself. He won't even acknowledge my existence. Its over something he decided to believe and it was very very wrong. I was by his side every single step of the way, waiting for him through 3 deployments, caring for him when he was home. Loving him unconditionally and he literally tried to destroy me with no emotion, no remorse, no apology.

I have no doubts Christine12 that you are a great person and one in a million, as I am. But don't lose sight of your needs. You are very fortunate he is acknowledging his PTSD. You may give and give and never get back. You can't ask him questions that will make him feel cornered, questioned, or that he feels any pressure to prove his love to you, they take flight . If you have only been with him a few months, it is way too soon to ask about the progression of your relationship, especially when he's wondering "when" it will be that he will feel healthy again. Their heart is in there, but they have to peel the layers of pain off, and they can only do that on their own.

Keep reading and learning about PTSD but don't let yourself wither away like a plant unwatered like I did hoping for that Prince Charming to wake up and answer all of your questions...keep watering yourself. In yoga, what has really brought me through it (and GOD first and foremost) , is to learn to detach and let what will be "BE". Ive had to learn to let God handle this mountain because I can't climb it no matter how badly I want to.

Peace and Love

 

[The Hermit King]

he literally tried to destroy me with no emotion, no remorse, no apology.

Reading this really made me angry. Not at you, I am so sorry you went through that. It makes me angry because from what I can tell that guy was just a POS and he would be a POS with or without having PTSD. There is no excuse to be cruel to someone. That fool was lucky to have you but too damn stupid to see it. You are better off without him, he doesn't deserve you. :mad:

 

[christine12]

Firstly 99phoniex99 thank you so much for your comments they truly meant a lot. Feels like u understand and vet what I was saying and how I am feeling...... I care for him so much and just really unsure of what to do .

Celia I am so very sorry that this has happened to you and that was just wrong in so many ways and there is no excuse for his actions to you , very disrespectful.

I really appreciate your input and your insight ... I hope for peace for u soon