Relationship Help! It's Going Downhill, Fast!

[Ecl84]

Ok, so things have been well with my guy. Sleepovers, taking myself and my kids for dinner etc. More talking and more time spent together.

Valentine's day was a crap shoot. He made me plans or effort, I was upset and made it known. He wouldn't acknowledge me. Then it happened... I broke down. I think I've been dealing with depression for a while, and along with everything else in my life (financial stressors, work, single mom, etc) that was my breaking point. I reached out to him... Nothing. He apologized the next day, then 3 days of silence.

Saw him at work. He tried to act like things were normal and I exploded. We had a heated discussion that solved nothing. I emailed him later and apologized for what I had said. He says he doesn't know how to help me, or be there for me. I explained what I needed (which is just for things to continue as they had and that I need physical comfort) He said he would try, but not to get upset if he didn't do it right.

He's not trying! He doesn't talk to me outside of work, won't answer my calls, and at work he seems to try and avoid me. He did hug me today, but only because I approached and asked.

I don't know what to do. I've been trying so hard to understand what he's going through and what he needs from me. Now that I need him to do the same I feel like he'd rather give up.

 

[Deleted member 28986]

Sounds frustrating. Sounds like you're putting a lot into this relationship and not getting much out . . . at least not right now. But maybe you don't have as much reason to worry as you think?

Everyone's PTSD is unique, and I can't read your guy's mind. However, I can try to share my perspective as a sufferer.

that was my breaking point

It's really tough for me (and a lot of sufferers) to be around strong emotions. I assume you were feeling some pretty strong emotions at your breaking point. I'm not sure what happened exactly, but as benign as it may have been, I'll bet it sent off big scary warning bells in his mind. This doesn't mean you were "wrong" to do or say what you did. But I'll bet the primitive fear parts of his brain were screaming "DANGER!"

It's not a conscious, thoughtful reaction. He certainly didn't think, "Well today, @Ecl84 hit her breaking point and so now I'm going to avoid her for a few days." It's hard to describe, because thoughts are completely absent from such a stress reaction. It's just something that happens automatically, like your knee's reflex. Parts of the body and brain shut down, other parts activate strongly, preparing to deal with a life-threatening stressor. We focus on taking care of our immediate needs. Social needs are important, but they sure go out the window during a stress reaction.

Now, you and I both know that your actions at your breaking point were anything but life-threatening! He knows it too. But his body's fear reaction was out of control. Please remember this: PTSD is NOT logical. (At least not in the way you'd think.)

I reached out to him... Nothing.

Sometimes I just can't deal with even the gentlest communication. When symptoms are bad, they're unbelievably bad. You usually can't tell from the outside. I'm glad you're not afflicted with PTSD, but that also means you can't hope to relate to PTSD symptoms. You simply can't. Be glad.

He says he doesn't know how to help me, or be there for me.

Sometimes, he won't be able to give support, even when you truly need it. You need support from other people—not just him, and maybe not even primarily him.

I think you'll hear a lot on this forum about how important it is to support yourself when you're supporting a PTSD sufferer. You'll even hear that you should support yourself FIRST, before the sufferer! This is the truth. As much as you want to rely on him, you need plenty of support outside of him.

He's not trying!

I know that's a frustrating feeling!

But actually, you can't know whether or not he's trying, because you're not in his thoughts. Please also consider other possible realities. Perhaps he's trying but it's not showing. Or perhaps he would like to help, but has no idea how. Perhaps he's dealing with his own unimaginable symptoms and can't help right now. There are tons of explanations, not just these three.

One thing that PTSD will (hopefully) teach you is that you can't read minds. As your relationship develops, you will find yourself challenging all kinds of assumptions—even thoughts you didn't realize were assumptions. "He's not trying" is a pretty clear assumption; you'll discover much subtler assumptions in time.

PTSD is not just a few groups of symptoms. It is a fundamental rewiring of the human mind and body. You know all those ideas you have in you head about how people think and behave? Those models of behavior are gone. This is bizzaro-world. Black is white, up is down, and short is long.

I've been trying so hard to understand

I can tell you're trying hard. You're participating here, after all.

I think the most loving thing anyone has ever said to me was when someone close to me said he realized how much he didn't understand—how much he couldn't possibly understand! And how much it hurt him once he realized I was hurting so much. That moment of "not understanding" has a very fond place in my heart now. I have never felt more understood, more loved, than when he said he couldn't understand.

—

Sometimes a sufferer is so overwhelmed they can't deal with a relationship. It's not fair, but it's par for the course. Please don't take his reactions personally, because they're not. In times like these, our reactions often have to do more with the past than the present.

Remember to get support for yourself! :-)

 

[still_i_rise]

Supporter here. I can empathize with your frustration. Totally.

It took me a while to accept that I was not going to have the relationship that I was used to having with my husband. I had to accept all the assumptions and expectations that I had in terms of intimacy and communication did not apply anymore.

It may feel stilted and so unromantic to have to ask "can I hug you". But it makes a huge difference for your fella. Don't take it personally.

For the record, we totally ignore Valentine's Day. I don't mention it. I don't acknowledge it. It's unrealistic to expect my husband to snap out of his PTSD and be all open to intimacy just because it's some arbitrary day. It saves both of us a whole lot of stress.

You can't understand what he's going through. However, that does not diminish or dismiss what you're feeling.
You can't expect him to carry and support you the way that you do for him. He can't. He's dealing with a disease that we cannot even begin to fathom.
It's not fair. It's totally not fair for everybody involved.
I myself am slowly coming to terms with this. I wish I had come to accept this sooner than I have. It would have saved me so much frustration and pain.

Know that you are not alone.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Gotta love the ole double standard frustration. It's hard to constantly worry about meeting somebody's needs without getting your own needs met in return.

As sucky as it is, sometimes your needs just have to change when your partner has PTSD. I've just learned to cherish the good days when they come. He can't do romance in the traditional sense, but I've come to appreciate my vet's version of romance (aka "your better than a kick in the balls babe... kids are out, so I ordered a pizza. Have a seat"). It's what gets me through the bad days.