Help Me To Help Him

[Fakesky]

I'm new here and thought this might be a good place to start looking for advice .....

This is going to be long. We dated as kids (14 and 16). We were going to get married. My father kept it from happening when we were (18 and 20). He went his way and joined the Marines. I went mine and married my 2nd choice. 20 years pass by and we have our chance to be together.

I love and adore this man. The only thing Ive ever wanted was to be his wife and to have him by my side till the day God called me home. I knew when we had our chance to be a couple that he was coming to me with TBI/PTSD, that there were physical limitations and I'm still OK with those things. I love him. He could've been full on paralysed and I would still be by his side. Unconditional love would accept nothing less than totally devotion and commitment.

My struggle is that after waiting 20 years to be his wife.... I often go to bed alone because he cant sleep. He often chooses to stay home instead of going out with me as a couple even to dinner. He wakes up and plays on line video games. Sits there all day long. Stays there till he is ready to go to bed at night. He says it busies his mind and distracts him from the physical pain. I help him with his meds, pay all the bills so he doesn't have to worry, take him to all of his doctors appts, and do everything possible to be loving and make sure he is comfortable.

Ive waited my whole life to be with him.......he is here with me..... and I'm so alone. I'm scared to death that he is just alive and not living. I'm scared that I'm not doing the right thing to make him happy. I want him to WANT to spend time with me but he seems more content to be alone. His PTSD is treated through medication. He is never mean or violent..... He just wants to be in his own little bubble it seems...... and I miss him.

All I want is a few answers..... What do I need to do to keep him from feeling stressed? Is there a certain amount of distance I should expect? Does this behaviour mean he doesn't love me? How can I even tell if he is really happy? How do i get to a point where his distance doesn't hurt and leave me feeling alone? I adore him. I'd rather die than give up on him and i refuse to lose him. I just need a little help.......

 

[zzzaaabbb]

Hello Fakesky... Reading how your husband has been acting towards you made my heart incredibly heavy. I am someone who also suffers from PTSD and I have done the same thing to my boyfriend. Acting disinterested in him, being concerned with the internet instead of spending quality time with him... I made my partner feel incredibly alone when all he wanted from me was to open up and share my heart with him. Congratulations to you for never wanting to give up on him... that takes both courage and strength. I only wish my boyfriend had that strength but I have hurt him beyong belief that he does not think he wants to continue in a relationship with me. I am new to this forum as of today but have already found this incredibly therapeutic. I do not want to hurt the ones that are closest to me - and I do it at times without even realizing it. I know this may not answer your question but I hope it gives a little bit of insight. Take care and God Bless.

 

[amethist]

Hi Fakesky

Welcome to the forum.

I really hope you have the strength of mind for all this Fakesky, as it can be a lonely and very bumpy road. You are going to need a lot of help not just a little, to keep going like you are right now.

Is he in therapy and does he do anything to help himself other than sit playing video games, I know it is an escape from the reality, but there has to be a time when he has to come back to reality and face his issues. Some kinds of stress are good in small doses, you cannot keep it all from him forever, even though at first that is what most carers do. I did a lot of that myself, but not anymore, my own mental and physical health started to suffer and now I am paying the price of doing that.

You ask how do you get to the point where his distance doesn't hurt and leave you feeling alone. I honestly don't think you can, it will always hurt to some degree.

I am being honest with you, as other will be also. This is not meant to upset you or anyone else, but wrapping ptsd up in a fluffy coat wont work for anyone.

Take good care of yourself, this is not an easy life for sufferer or carer.

Amethist

 

[Deleted member 541]

Welcome to the forum....

Amethist is right, this won't be easy, as you are already seeing and going through......If he isn't in therapy, and dealing with his issues, then things WILL NOT get any better than they are right now, and they may even get worse.......

You need to learn to separate the man from the PTSD. Some things, yes, you can blame on PTSD, other things, NO, and he needs to take responsibility for them. Playing video games is ok, but when it starts to interfere with your marriage, then that behavior is NOT acceptable. Sleeping, is a huge issue for many PTSD sufferers.....If he isn't sleeping at night, but sleeping during the day...Sorry, but that won't work either, he has then just flipped his sleeping schedule around, and needs to flip it back, so he sleeps when you do, or at least attempts too.......

He also should be responsible for his own things. I guess, what I am trying to say is this.....You need to stop enabling him to wallow in his PTSD, use it as an excuse to not live, and start letting him be responsible for himself......

 

[Nicolette]

I agree with what Wendy said so I wont repeat what she has said.

My advice as a Carer of almost 3.5 years, starting with a man who was acting like your boyfriend, is this:
* with both participating in a relationship you are both living in a bubble of sorts - both escaping relality in different ways. Your boyfriend is using the Internet & you can justify PTSD as a reason for things not being near normal (you will never have 100% normal with PTSD), but it can be a lot better than what you are describing
* start setting small boundaries - like when you get home from work Internet time stops while you have dinner together - even if it just means sitting together & your boyfriend being away from the computer
* sleeping days & staying up on the computer at night (if he is doing this) is not acceptable & he has to at least start trying to change by going to bed with you - even if he gets up later at the start & work towards him re-training his body clock
* DO NOT mother him by paying all his bills & taking care of his appointments. He is an adult so he should act as one. What you say suggests you are enabling him which is not good to do with PTSD
* your boyfriend needs to learn to manage his stress & communicate to you what things you can do to help alieviate it - not the other way around
* read the sticky threads at the top of each section in the Carers section & take care of you.

Good luck. While this is not easy it is achievable!!!