I am new to the site and I am so glad that I found this page. I have known my boyfriend since high school and we reconnected last year and started dating in July. Everything was going great until December when he started subtly changing. He started being distant and we stopped being intimate. Then in February he disappeared...he literally walked away from his life. At the end of April he finally made contact with his family and is now living with them. It took 2 weeks for him to contact me and when he did I was so happy. He said that his ptsd got so bad he wasn't able to deal anymore and he just walked away. He asked me to forgive him and said he would never do it again (he had never done anything like this before). I forgave him but now I don't know what to do. The first week we talked a lot and texted but now it's practically radio silence. He barely texts and doesn't answer my phone calls. I have a lot of insecurity issues as far as relationships go so I am struggling with what to do. From reading the threads on this page I see I am not alone in what is happening but I really don't know what to do. I am worried he doesn't want to be with me but he said he loves me and that he is just struggling with his anxiety/PTSD. I know he is trying to get help so i am trying to be supportive but i am tired of crying my eyes out because he doesn't answer a text or call me back. Any advice would be great because I love him more than anything and want to have a life with him.
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Supporter Help...my Boyfriend Has Ptsd And I Don't Know What To Do
- Post starter Emlindmom
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AngelKeeperJ
Sponsor
First, welcome to the Forum! We all have suffered and/or are suffering, and we are here to get help, and to help others. We all need both, I think, to have a balance.
Now, I will tell you, that I think that no matter how much you love him, you have to have your OWN life, have your own goals, and not depend on any other person for your happiness and/or 'completion'. He HAS to get well ON HIS OWN. He can't do it for you. We all have to heal on our own.
I always thought I had to have someone to be 'complete'. I was married 4 times! I always 'went' with my feelings, and NO LOGIC at all! I picked wrong every singe time! I quit looking for someone, and have been happily single for 20 years this year. Hopefully, you will heal, and be able to find the right person, when you aren't looking!
If you already have relationship issues, then you'll have to work through those before you will ever be happy. You can love someone with ALL you have in your heart, but that won't 'fix' you, him, or your relationship. No one can 'make' another person happy, and it's a lot to ask of someone to help you be 'complete'.
I wish I could give you a response that would make everything all 'rose colored' but the truth is, he has a LONG way to go before he is ready for a relationship. I'm sure you wouldn't want him to disappear again, and for me, that fear alone would keep me away. You can wait till he contacts you, but otherwise, I would leave him alone. Period.
Go after what you enjoy in your life, go to therapy if you have issues about relationships.
Good luck, and I hope that you will find peace and happiness, as well as being able to have a healthy relationship...probably not with him. It sounds like he cares, but can't come out and say he needs space. Many man can't get the words out, but you can tell by what they do or don't do.
Love is a verb....an 'ACTION' word...
Now, I will tell you, that I think that no matter how much you love him, you have to have your OWN life, have your own goals, and not depend on any other person for your happiness and/or 'completion'. He HAS to get well ON HIS OWN. He can't do it for you. We all have to heal on our own.
I always thought I had to have someone to be 'complete'. I was married 4 times! I always 'went' with my feelings, and NO LOGIC at all! I picked wrong every singe time! I quit looking for someone, and have been happily single for 20 years this year. Hopefully, you will heal, and be able to find the right person, when you aren't looking!
If you already have relationship issues, then you'll have to work through those before you will ever be happy. You can love someone with ALL you have in your heart, but that won't 'fix' you, him, or your relationship. No one can 'make' another person happy, and it's a lot to ask of someone to help you be 'complete'.
I wish I could give you a response that would make everything all 'rose colored' but the truth is, he has a LONG way to go before he is ready for a relationship. I'm sure you wouldn't want him to disappear again, and for me, that fear alone would keep me away. You can wait till he contacts you, but otherwise, I would leave him alone. Period.
Go after what you enjoy in your life, go to therapy if you have issues about relationships.
Good luck, and I hope that you will find peace and happiness, as well as being able to have a healthy relationship...probably not with him. It sounds like he cares, but can't come out and say he needs space. Many man can't get the words out, but you can tell by what they do or don't do.
Love is a verb....an 'ACTION' word...
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Hello Emlindom, welcome and good luck!
Love your bost Angelkeeper, just not that tiny part of it:
That is just not true and a very dangerous thing to say.
Love your bost Angelkeeper, just not that tiny part of it:
That is just not true and a very dangerous thing to say.
Hello and welcome!
As a sufferer, I can tell you that I often times push those who want to help me away from me. It's not intentional, just part of the PTSD issue (isolating oneself). To be supportive of him means you've also got to be supportive of yourself. You need to understand that you are probably experiencing secondary trauma as a result of his issues and have your own self preservation plans in place as well. Check out the VA's website on PTSD and how loved ones should handle those with PTSD. I think you'll find yourself relating to a lot of what they say about how loved ones feel and react when dealing with PTSD. It helped my spouse out a lot and just helped to confirm that he wasn't alone in how he felt or acted in relation to me.
As a sufferer, I can tell you that I often times push those who want to help me away from me. It's not intentional, just part of the PTSD issue (isolating oneself). To be supportive of him means you've also got to be supportive of yourself. You need to understand that you are probably experiencing secondary trauma as a result of his issues and have your own self preservation plans in place as well. Check out the VA's website on PTSD and how loved ones should handle those with PTSD. I think you'll find yourself relating to a lot of what they say about how loved ones feel and react when dealing with PTSD. It helped my spouse out a lot and just helped to confirm that he wasn't alone in how he felt or acted in relation to me.
Here's the link to the specific page I was talking about, but I think you should still read through all of their material. It was a great help to us and it may be very beneficial to you as well.
http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/family/effects-ptsd-family.asp
http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/family/effects-ptsd-family.asp
Welcome to the forum. I understand exact how you feel. I'm a supporter going through the same thing. Wish I had answers for you, but I don't. Just read the threads by supporters and it'll help you not feel so alone. I have to go to work now, but it's a long weekend and I'll try to post more over the next few days.
intothelight
Sponsor
@Emlindmom Welcome to the forum!
There is an entire section for supporters that you may find helpful. I have PTSD and the only thing that I can say is that getting better was/is my responsibility. I also do not have any right to make my family suffer or damage relationships from my lack of doing what I need to do to get better. Conversely there were/are things my family and spouse can do that are supportive and helpful. Communication and cooperation are critical to create a healthy environment and relationships.
Learn what you can about PTSD and it is wonderful to be encouraging and supportive, but keep in mind that it is up to the individual to do what needs to be done.
There is an entire section for supporters that you may find helpful. I have PTSD and the only thing that I can say is that getting better was/is my responsibility. I also do not have any right to make my family suffer or damage relationships from my lack of doing what I need to do to get better. Conversely there were/are things my family and spouse can do that are supportive and helpful. Communication and cooperation are critical to create a healthy environment and relationships.
Learn what you can about PTSD and it is wonderful to be encouraging and supportive, but keep in mind that it is up to the individual to do what needs to be done.
AngelKeeperJ
Sponsor
Thank you, Mallaky, for pointing out that part of my statement. You are right. I changed it to read, "He can't do it for you."
AKJ
- Post starter
- #9
Thank you so much everyone for your posts! I am eagerly taking it all in. I heard from my guy yesterday morning but it was a brief text. I have decided to stop texting him and let him contact me when he is ready...it is definitely going to be hard because he is my best friend but because I love him I am willing to put aside how I feel right now so he can get the help he needs.
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