Help please extreme

[Felmer]

Worry about burning that bridge when you get there?

Sounds you already have enough fear on your plate dai...

The only thing that makes me unafrsid is the time of day. By around 4 pm I’m fine, almost as if there were no problem. But before then it’s a living hell. Three years ago, I made three suicide attempts, in graphic ways, to escape the emotional pain. They didn’t work. I’m not talking about pills either. Serious efforts, calculated, I wanted to,be dead, I’m not joking. The horror of that I’m sure is part of this. Lack of family support too. Even after all three attempts they would not talk about it. Then they left and moved away. Evening is the only time I am calm, except for late afternoon.

 

[Felmer]

Not trying to be rude——

Many people go decades without a therapist figuring out what’s goi...

I appreciate this feedback. I have found almost no therapist capable, none except one was even able to identify it. Thank god one did so I can try to get help. I made three graphic suicide attempts three years ago, after a horrible life event. The efforts did not work. They were calculated. I was not crazy, I truly did not wish to continue with life. I became disabled and unable to work forever. My family would not talk about it. Eventually they moved to another city in about a year or less, leaving me here alone to figure it out. Nomthefspist has had a grip,on what to do. One tried one session of EMDR, I’ve since learned T least 6 are needed. So I’m surrounded by incompetence. And the one who tried EMDR did not even make the PTSD diagnosis. I don’t see how I can get well when I ha e no competent guidance. I’m trying my seventh? Psychologist this week. He is supposed to be familiar with PTSD treatments. It’s been three years of paralyzing fear, how much can one take. I don’t know how I’ve managed to survive this long with this much incompetence honestly.

What are internal family systems therapy?

Take it one step at a time. Don't rush into anything but at least try to take care of yourself . I've bee...

Thank you for your kindness.

Grounding exercises are something that help bring you back to the present moment. Some of the other pos...

Thank you for helping me understsnd. I like the 5-5-5. When I think of my own future, which includes fears of homelessness, poverty, hsbimg no one who cares at all about whether I live,more I die, it may help to stay in the present moment. For me, it’s very hard to do that, but I will try. Three yrs ago, after three graphic suicide attempts to es ape emotional pain from a horrible life event, my family in less than one year moved away, leaving me alone here. I think that speaks volumes. Why I continue t communicate with them at all, I really don’t know. But I have. My mind though, practically lives in the future. The 5-5-5 may help
Me to stop thinking about dying on some street alone or rotting in some Medicaid nursing home since I have no family of my own. Yet these thoughts to me seem very realistic. Most people I know have fsmilies who help them. I don’t. I think that’s part of the grounding problem.

Worry about burning that bridge when you get there?

Sounds you already have enough fear on your plate dai...

Do you mean even though I’m afraid, to try to focus on one activity. If so, I have done it. But during each activity the fear just continued to overwhelm while I did the activity. By 4 pm though, it lifts as though nothing werevwrong, as the day comes to a close. Now going on three years.

 

[Kopykat]

@Felmer fear is a powerful adversary. I had my first intense flashback a few months ago, didn’t know what was going on and stumbled across this site. I feel like two different people: calm me and then illogical, fearful me. I struggle still at times but I think I’m getting better at grounding and reaching out, mainly here or to my therapist, when I feel my fear and anxiety spiking.

I am sorry to hear you are struggling, that sounds really difficult. I am glad you have chosen to reach out though. Remember, as others have said, small steps at a time. It may seem like everything is crashing down on you and you have to figure it all out now, but give yourself permission to breathe, take small steps and reach out.

As for family, that’s tricky. Family dynamics and relationships are complicated. If it were black and white therapists would be out of a job :)

 

[freebird]

Felmer, I am so so sorry this is happening to you. It must be so hard to have the ones you have been born to, and trusted to help love and protect you just go away and leave you in a bad environment. Especially after your attempts to take your life. No wonder you feel the dreaded homeless feeling. :( I can relate. I am dysfunctional in the morning up until the afternoon due to my traumas that occurred in the early mornings.

Do you think maybe timing of the day has any relation to your past traumas maybe including your attempts to take your life?

I hope that this pain you are feeling settles soon. Try doing the 5-5-5 like kopykat said, and take tiny little steps from there. Reward yourself after one step is made.

So glad you have found this place. I want to wish you the warmest welcome.:hug:

 

[Felmer]

@Felmer fear is a powerful adversary. I had my first intense flashback a few months...

I’m very grateful, I’m sorry you are having flashbacks, I have them too. In fact there are numerous places in the city where I cannot go because they trigger them, it’s like a maze

 

[Felmer]

Kopykat, thank you, yes the time of day I’m sure is correlated with the forced closure of my business which had to stop due to serious injuries. The extreme suicidal measures were afternoon events but in the am for 20 yrs I was busy, and healthy, and now I’m not. I wake in the am in extreme panic because I’m sure there is no place to go and do important things now, so I’m physically and now psychologically ill especially in the am. I get that extreme panic because I’m sure of this lack of purpose and meaning. Add to that suicide flashbacks, and my tiny immediate family leaving me. I think if the family had stayed, and helped me, instead of ignoring the situation and leaving, I would not be in this spot. But I am. I recognize they can never ever be there to help with anything. But because I’m medically ill, injured, I don’t know what to do activity wise in the am, that would stop me from such panic that I cannot get out of bed for 5-7 hrs. I used to like the mornings. Now it’s sombad for three years each night I’m afraid to wake up and don’t know what to do.

 

[Felmer]

im so sorry, free it’d, I answered, but referred to Kopykat but I meant you. If you have ideas, or anyone does, I would welcome them. It’s been this way for three years.

 

[Felmer]

Thank you so much, it does feel like everything is crashing down, but I’m not able to work, let alone have purpose and meaning. And I used to,be busy working in the am. I know this intense am panic that goes on for hours is related plus the isolation of hsbimg nomfsmily here now and few friends due to the nature of this small town, with very little to do. It’s why I’m considering moving a few hrs away where there are many activities, possibilities for more friendships. But I think, would a physical move be a stressor that aggravates ptsd, or is it worse to keep staying here when there are no meaningful things to do that make mornings possible. My family that left me would be an hour away but I know not only can’t I count on them but they, esp my brother can be aggravants in life. They both have separate serious diagnoses that are psychological. Yet the city which I would go to would be on of the best for me in this region.

 

[Felmer]

Also, the New city offers possibility for friendships, this small town doesn’t. So I’m isolated here, it’s horrid. So,I weigh which is worse isolation and nothing to do, and no friends here, not getting better, or move, which is disruptive, a number of hours away To a real city where there are activities that could make me want to get out and do things. I just don’t know. Except in this small place nothing will change, it’s largely residential, and most have families, I don’t, most work, I cannot, the city has retirees which may spend time with me, this town does not.

 

[Felmer]

So my biggest fear is does a physical move trigger PTSD, or does it improve it, if you go somewhere where there are activities to distract despite the huge disruption after being here for a very, very long time.

 

[freebird]

Speaking from experience, getting away from my small town was worth it, because yes there are more fun things to do out there, and everybody else is too busy to be nosy or even care. There's more people to make friends, and even more opportunities.

As for the moving, it all depends on how you feel about it. Perhaps start with decluttering, a little here a little there, minimizing stuff so you have only the things you need, and keep some things you like. It's also a good opportunity to make some money. You can maybe sell some things, recycle, etc. It's all up to you. Just take your time :)

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I struggled finding genuinely helpful care, too, and was ultimately made worse instead of better, and eventually was led out of desperation to many alternative methods for help, which ended up being my saving grace. However, I found folks who barter, so that makes it all very affordable, otherwise, I'm certain I'd still be stuck in many of the same ruts I'd been uncomfortably living in for years.

For quite some time I felt like I was drowning in my own fear and anxiety, and that of others, yet found even more problems arise from using meds to try to manage it all based on being super sensitive to various chemicals. It was even more frustrating when I'd see others claiming how well and how "normally" they could now function on all the things that were only making me worse. I was left feeling even more broken, helpless, and like someone who must simply be too far gone and is beyond professional help. That's certainly how the insurance-approved professionals left me feeling more often than not.

Here's a breathing exercise that helped me greatly reduce and eventually end my need for xanax (under doctor supervision) to get through the moments of each day. Our breath is with us 24/7, free of charge, accessible at all times, and has become one of my most helpful tools in keeping my emotional responses a bit less impulsive and intense (other methods I practice are alternate nostril, square, and deep diaphragmatic). May it be of some help to you:

Rhythmic Stress Relief: Stopwatch Tap Technique with Jim Donovan

Wishing you much wellness in your pursuit of finding helpful techniques suited to your individual needs.