Help Please... Need Advice

[Addy]

It's been quite a while since I last posted, but I am really upset right now. Because of my depression and trauma history (childhood sexual abuse) I have been out of the dating scene for quite some time. I finally got up the courage to go out. I met this guy at his place of work, not in a bar, and he asked me out. The first night we just met for a drink (separate rides) and everything was fine. He asked me out again, told me he would cook for me at his place. I accepted. Everything went fine until I suggested it was late, and that maybe we should call it a night. We kissed goodnight, but them he came on to me. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea, and that I better go. But he didn't seem to want me to go. He led me to the couch and things got out of hand. We had sex. This is where I am confused. It wasn't consensual, but I never said no. Because of my trauma history I just froze. I let him take advantage of me. I didn't want it, but I didn't even fight. It was like my body was there but my mind was on another planet. I feel so ashamed and cheap. That's not the type of woman I am. I can't call it rape, can I? I mean I didn't fight him off... but it was one sided. I was not a participant. I'm not on birth control, and I don't even know if he was wearing a condom. I'm so scared... scared of pregnancy, STD's, and of my own response. Why didn't I fight back? I'm so disgusted with myself.

 

[NIKI]

Hi Addy, The same type of situation happened to me when I was a teen. I'm still confused about it to this day. We were teens and we were kissing but he came on real strong and tried to take my pants off. I said I didn't want to do that. But he wouldn't stop. He just wouldn't stop. Then I went numb in my mind and didn't fight back anymore. I felt/feel angry at myself that I didn't keep fighting and just gave up and let it happen.

I'm sorry that happened to you too. I know that we were both taken advantage of. I ask the same question, was I raped?

 

[Addy]

thank you Niki...
I just don't know how to deal with this. I feel so disgusted with myself...like I just want to die. (No I'm not going to kill myself) I just feel so terribly cheap and dirty. I don't know if I should be blaming myself or blaming him. But then, I didn't fight him... I'm so very confused.:cry:

 

[NIKI]

One thing I would like to say is please do not meet this guy again, he is not trustworthy. If nothing else please use this as a learned lesson. You are worthy enough to say NO! You are worthy enough to fight back! You are worthy of being treated with respect!

 

[Addy]

thanks Niki

He has tried to contact me by phone and text, and I haven't returned his messages. Have no intention of seeing him again.

 

[NIKI]

I am so glad you will not talk to him again. Show him that you will NOT be treated that way! You are so worthy of someone that will respect your feelings. They are out there, I have been married to a wonderful man for 20 years now that treats me like a queen. That is what you deserve also!

When I saw your post, I had to talk to you because I feel that I know exactly how you are feeling today. Don't be mad at yourself just NEVER let anyone treat you like that again. Promise?

 

[Addy]

Niki... thank you so much for taking the time to respond. the problem is that I always seem to freeze when I am in that type of situation. That is why I have been single, and out of the dating scene for so long. I even talked to my therapist BEFORE this happened, and told her I was having this date. We discussed what to do if I felt unsafe. I just didn't respond. It's as though I lose myself completely, and my ability to defend myself is gone. I feel just like I did as a child, but I should know better. I should be able to say no... though I did tell him I wanted to go home. I tried to leave, but he insisted I stay and dragged me to couch. I didn't even put up a fight. I am so ashamed and feel so cheap. :(

 

[Heather]

Addy -
Hi, I had something similar happen to me when I was in my early 20's. I thought one thing he had totally other plans in mind. I'm sorry. I froze and said nothing. It's here in the forum under PTSD Relationship entitled "could I be partly to blame" if you want to look it up. Might help.

Sorry you are going through this.

 

[Addy]

thanks Heather... I will check it out.

 

[Heather]

might be easier to find if you do a search for it. it's an old thread.

 

[Addy]

Thanks Heather... I did read the post but I had a hard time relating because in my case there was NO alcohol involved. I didn't say, "NO" but I did say I wanted to go home. He sort of dragged me to the couch, and that's when I froze. He removed my clothes as well as his own, and had sex with me. Like I said, I didn't say no, but I didn't say yes. I didn't participate at all though. I did try one time to push him away, but it must have seemed like I wanted it to him because he just didn't stop. After that, I didn't say one word, or make any further attempts to defend myself. I don't know if I should consider this rape or not?

 

[missd84]

Bottom line, you said you never gave consent. You did say no by telling him you wanted to leave. Shame on him!