L
Lelephant4
I am a 26 year old PTSD sufferer diagnoised about 5 years ago. It stems from a time when I was held against my will and raped by multiple men. I also had a past relationship with a very emotionally and physically abusive boyfriend.
I've been dating my boyfriend Rob for about 5 months now. I finally feel I have met the one.
About two or three times a month a small argument starts over something stupid. But the problem is that its like I cant let it go. Once I get into a defense mode I am stuck in it. I can feel the stress building and I will try to sit down with him and just watch tv but all I can think about is the anxiety I am feeling and it wont go away. We both beg eachother to stop the argument, blaminf the other for the continuation of the fight. I could not talk for a half hour and it wont resolve it will just start up again.I try to get time alone to calm down ex. Go for a walk. But my boyfriend feels this wont make anything better and will not leave me alone. Sometimes he will stand blocking the door so I cant leave. He knows being trapped is an issue with me but he is terrified to leave me alone when I'm upset like that. But then I go into panic and defensive survival mode. An argument over nothing will last hours until it usually ends in some kind of psychical confrontation and both of us crying and me thinking of suicide.
I can't believe the things I do in this "black out". The fact that I lay hands on him tears me apart. I don't know why I do this. I don't know what to do to get this sort of defense mode to stop. When I'm in the middle of a physical confrontation with him (hitting him, screaming etc) I no longer see him as my boyfriend but as something different. I literally feel as if I'm fighting for my life. At the beginning of these multiple hour long fits I know what is coming. I know it won't end well and I know once I get into this cold protection mode that's it. I could say and do anything and not feel remorse at the time. It is tearing me apart seeing whst I do to him. I have truely never felt this way about someone before and I fear i will ruin the relationship. Sometimes i want him to leave for his own good. I fear i may really hurt him in one of these incidents. But he loves me and says he wont give up. "I stick by you, thats what I do" he says. I couldnt ask for a better man. I need to know how to get out of it before it gets there. Or how to prevent it from getting that far. Any advice or kind words welcome and greatly appreciated.
Thank you,
Lauren
I've been dating my boyfriend Rob for about 5 months now. I finally feel I have met the one.
About two or three times a month a small argument starts over something stupid. But the problem is that its like I cant let it go. Once I get into a defense mode I am stuck in it. I can feel the stress building and I will try to sit down with him and just watch tv but all I can think about is the anxiety I am feeling and it wont go away. We both beg eachother to stop the argument, blaminf the other for the continuation of the fight. I could not talk for a half hour and it wont resolve it will just start up again.I try to get time alone to calm down ex. Go for a walk. But my boyfriend feels this wont make anything better and will not leave me alone. Sometimes he will stand blocking the door so I cant leave. He knows being trapped is an issue with me but he is terrified to leave me alone when I'm upset like that. But then I go into panic and defensive survival mode. An argument over nothing will last hours until it usually ends in some kind of psychical confrontation and both of us crying and me thinking of suicide.
I can't believe the things I do in this "black out". The fact that I lay hands on him tears me apart. I don't know why I do this. I don't know what to do to get this sort of defense mode to stop. When I'm in the middle of a physical confrontation with him (hitting him, screaming etc) I no longer see him as my boyfriend but as something different. I literally feel as if I'm fighting for my life. At the beginning of these multiple hour long fits I know what is coming. I know it won't end well and I know once I get into this cold protection mode that's it. I could say and do anything and not feel remorse at the time. It is tearing me apart seeing whst I do to him. I have truely never felt this way about someone before and I fear i will ruin the relationship. Sometimes i want him to leave for his own good. I fear i may really hurt him in one of these incidents. But he loves me and says he wont give up. "I stick by you, thats what I do" he says. I couldnt ask for a better man. I need to know how to get out of it before it gets there. Or how to prevent it from getting that far. Any advice or kind words welcome and greatly appreciated.
Thank you,
Lauren
