Help...question For People Who Self Harm

[Hope4Now]

I don't know where to post this question. Moderators please feel free to move it to the appropriate place.

Mini-back story: My self harming is not severe in any sort of life-threatening way. I did it many years ago and then stopped. For some reason it started again when I melted down last year (but didn't when I've had other more moderate meltdowns). Here is what I'm wondering:

Are you in the same sort of emotional place or part whenever you self-harm? Or do you engage in different kinds of self-harm for different reasons?

I think I do the latter. I am trying to figure it out because I want to stop. I seem to have 3 or 4 different things I do, and they seem to come from different places/serve different purposes. Am I the only one like this?

 

[moonbeam]

I self harm in different ways for different reasons. I've done in the past. Quit for a long time resumed last year and have quit for the last 4 months.

Sometimes its for punishment for feeling like a waste of space and a burden on those around me. Sometimes it is just because I feel overwhelmed and its a horrible coping mechanism but sometimes it does help to imagine its all the horrible feelings getting let out and gives me a pain I can see.

I think there are other reasons as well but I haven't fully figured them out.

From talking to others I know its common to have multiple types and reasons though a lot of people like me did seem to have a preferred method.

 

[Hope4Now]

Thanks for sharing this, @moonbeam.

 

[zeckster81]

The more impulsive the self harm for me the worse it is and it's usually something a little severe like banging my head or hitting myself really hard. If its more planned/soothing it is something less painful, like burning or cutting. I try not to self harm. It's been about 3 months since I cut or banged my head.

 

[Jane.l]

@moonbeam ' it gives me a pain I can see' wow that resonated with me - very well put.

 

[Jane.l]

@Hope4Now I do it in different situations and emotional states, sometimes to 'feel' something, but usually as a way to try and gain some control when I can't control anything else and also for the reasons moonbeam stated. The key to stopping I think is breaking the 'shame' cycle it perpetuates but I have recently slipped back so probably not the best person to help you :(

 

[digger]

I do it to feel something. I do it to stop feeling. I do it to punish. I do it for control. I do it for relief. I do it to stop feeling overwhelmed....I do it for pretty much every reason in the book at different times, except attention. It is always private and hidden.

I say do but I actually haven't done for a little while now. It is still in my head frequently though and the imagery I get in my head sometimes has a similar, if lesser, effect that I would get from doing it.

There is a separate (or I consider it separate anyway) sort of self harm that I do that I consider more primal and instinctive/impulisive and goes back to early childhood. Things like hitting my head, biting, hair pulling, pinching, scratching etc I find this harder to control. This one is almost always a response to severe emotional stress/distress.

 

[KwanYingirl]

My cutting dates back to my early teens. I have lengths of time I don't and shorter amounts of time that I am cutting.

For me it is an attempt to rid myself of the acid running through my body. The act itself is anti-anxiety. I always feel relieved after cutting. The compulsion builds slowly over time and then I am so overwhelmed and so need release, I cut.

 

[Changing4Best]

I attempted suicide once, and survived it, so I figure that counts in some way within this thread. All I do know is that I felt my life had NO HOPE and that there was no real future for me. I could not stand my life the way it was (I was being abused and raped daily). When the hospital saved my life, I was put into treatment there. I was put onto some medicines that I think helped me a lot and brought me to a state of mind that kept me from wanting to harm self again.

I had tried to escape from my tormentor 16 times. Finally on my 17th try, with the help of a church behind me, and a lot of prayers, I succeeded. When I had the opportunity after that, (years alter) I even moved about 600 miles from there, just so I could finally feel safe too.

I have made a new life for myself here, and so I do not feel like harming myself anymore now. I am still on some of the medicines that helped me to no longer want to harm myself too. Basically they are antidepressants and antianxiety meds.

 

[Chava]

I haven't done self harm much in recent years. It started out as self punishment and I found it did something soothing for me. It used to be a lot about self-hatred, but in recent years I really noticed how much it did for just regulating really uncomfortable feelings....anger, powerlessness, shame. I know some people do it when they feel numb, but I always feel something activated and use self-harm to settle or numb it out. So while I might have different reasons or different triggers, they always involve an activated sort of state for me and an attempt to regulate.

 

[Friday]

I have a few reasons:

- physical pain trumps emotional pain
- punishment vs relief
- desperate to feel anything
- extreme grounding (dammit, I need to be here, and be here now!)
- chemical override / reset
- accidental / accidentally on purpose

 

[Ellabella44]

I felt the need to do this when overly anxious, seriously depressed, or feeling completely worthless. It is when im at my lowest point in any one of those. I do it in milder ways now (trying to scratch open and make a cut on my arm with a fingernail)

The thought is getting the pain inside to be on the outside. But it never leaves and all thats left is a bruise or a mark and regret.

I have tried changing focus to something more positive (walking somewhere like the mall until my legs hurt) I use the walking or other exercise to substitute and feel a pain that has a purpose of bettering my health, but its still to feel something instead of hurting emotionally or to feel anything at all when im seriously depressed.